Tuesday, February 28, 2017

The Bachelor: They Can Tell Me With A Ring

When I first saw Andi Dorfman on the screen of last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I briefly thought it was 2014. It could have been forgetfulness, repression, or years of alcohol abuse, but for a brief moment I lived in a world where the last three years hadn’t happened. Obama was still president, 2016 hadn’t killed everyone we loved, and Bill Cosby’s mere existence wasn’t constantly bumming me out. It was a simpler time.

Remember when he was just an asshole, and not an asshole rapist?

Andi’s arrival on the show was teased as a moment that would test Nick’s relationship with the women. After a week of hemming and hawing about what the return of Nick’s ex-girlfriend could mean for the show, the answer became disappointingly obvious. Chris Harrison was obviously busy filming Who Wants to be a Millionaire and sent Andi Dorfman in his place to ask Nick leading questions about the women he was dating. This was a significant bummer.

After hinting that he might not choose anyone (which is 100% not true), Nick asks Andi if he should accept fantasy suite dates with the women. Andi thinks about what a weird question this is to ask your ex, before telling Nick that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and that he had earned fantasy suite time with these women. She then punctuated her answer by saying, “That’s my feminist rant.” I am not sure of many things in this world, but I am positive that telling your ex-boyfriend he has earned the right to fuck multiple women is not a feminist rant.

Gloria Steinem she is not.

Empowered by Andi’s own brand of feminism, Nick heads outside to the rose ceremony where four women have been waiting in frigid temperatures while he reminisced with his ex–girlfriend. I can only imagine that every woman would have walked off the show if they knew what he was doing inside.

The rose ceremony ended with Corinne being sent home. After weeks of near eliminations, Corinne finally said her tearful goodbyes. As Nick walked her out, Corinne uttered a particularly pathetic, “I’m sorry If I ever did anything to make you upset.” I genuinely felt bad for Corinne in this moment.

But like a phoenix from the ashes (or any good hero), Corinne rises and finds a new truth in the wake of her destruction. “I’m trying to say things that men think are appropriate,” she said through tears. “And you know what? I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them. I need that. So if someone feels that way about me they can come and tell me.” Now there’s your feminist rant, Andi.

Sadly the best feminist on ABC today.

Nick and the final three women then travel to Finland for the fantasy suite dates. The first and only date of the night goes to Raven, who repeatedly claims that she’s never said, “I love you,” to Nick, despite saying it twice in his hometown of Waukesha. Clearly Raven drank too much swamp water last week and is suffering memory loss because of it.

Eventually Raven is able to confess her love for Nick in a rather beautiful, if not lengthy, speech over dinner. Nick is moved nearly to the point of tears, saying, “That was one of the most meaningful moments of my life.” As someone who has watched the last three years of Nick’s life on TV, I have to agree with him on that.

"Next to my bracelet, your confession of love was the most meaningful thing in my life."

Raven tries to seize on this momentum by further telling Nick that not only has she only slept with one person before now, she has also never had an orgasm from said person. Nick does his best to pretend like Raven didn’t just put a huge amount of pressure on him, as she drags him to the fantasy suite. The episode ends with an excitable Raven and a grimacing Nick lying in bed, looking at the northern lights.

Next week’s three hour episode should provide some interesting insight on Women Tell All, the remaining fantasy suite dates, and whether or not Raven finally came. I honestly don’t want more information on any of those subjects.


Gossip Squirrel

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