Tuesday, March 7, 2017

The Bachelor: I May Be White, But I'm Still A Minority

Full disclosure, I will only be recapping the first hour of last night’s three hour marathon tonight. There is no way I have enough brain power this late in the season to watch three hours of The Bachelor, write about the show, and remember to keep breathing. Don’t worry- the Women Tell All recap will be up tomorrow.

60 minutes of this goon is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

The episode began with Raven leaving her fantasy suite after a night with Nick.  To this point, Raven has not been shy about her sex life, reminiscing about the time she beat her ex with his mistress’ stiletto or the fact that the same ex never managed to make her orgasm. While leaving Nick’s bungalow, however, Raven suddenly found her modesty, saying, “Nick is very good at what he does,” and “I left satisfied.” What the hell is that, Raven? I was counting on you for specifics! Foreplay, moves, precise penis measurements: these were all things Bachelor Nation was counting on you to provide! Meanwhile, you’re over here treating this relationship with respect and discretion. No thanks.

After Raven left, Nick went on his second date of the week with Rachel. The two attempted to cross country ski, which was an unmitigated disaster. I’m sure at some point Rachel managed to travel more than six feet without toppling into the snow, but we never saw it on the show. After her umpteenth fall, Rachel defends herself, saying “I’ve never done this before!” While that may be true, Rachel also went to school in Wisconsin, so there’s basically no excuse for not being mobile in the snow.

At dinner, Rachel tells Nick about how hard it is for her to share her feelings. After some encouragement, both liquid and verbal, Rachel is eventually goaded into telling Nick that she is falling in love with him. Having said the magic words, Nick and Rachel rush off to the fantasy suite to enjoy some private time. I can’t help but think the beauty of this moment was undercut by the preexisting knowledge that Nick will dump Rachel soon.

I know I say this every year, but I'm legitimately excited for next season.

The final date of the evening went to Vanessa and it truly was one of the more confusing things I have see on The Bachelor. The two briefly warmed up in a sauna before running out into the snow and jumping into a frozen lake. After only a few seconds in the freezing water, Nick and Vanessa scampered back into the sauna to warm up, only to jump back into the freezing water again… and again… and again. This was deeply satisfying to watch in a schadenfreude sort of way.

Once the pair was finally out of the water for good, Nick and Vanessa went to dinner. After briefly talking politely and quietly about what big and boisterous personalities they have, Nick asked Vanessa if she was willing to compromise in the relationship. Vanessa quickly says no and asks if Nick was willing to accept her “three-hour Sunday tradition.” At first, I thought Vanessa was asking Nick to come to church with her. But as it turns out, she was asking him to come to lunch with her family. I honestly don’t know which sounds worse.

Both Nick and Vanessa continued to bring up huge obstacles in their relationship throughout the night. The couple can’t seem to determine where they should live, who they should spend time with, or what they should do for a living. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these two forgot the other’s name, that’s how little they know about each other.

After listing off everything wrong with their relationship, Nick again compliments himself and Vanessa on having “big personalities” and offers her a night in the fantasy suite. She accepts because, like Nick, Vanessa does not seem to have a functional understanding of what a healthy relationship is.

I miss the days when Vanessa was the voice of reason.

At the season’s penultimate rose ceremony, Nick wastes no time in eliminating Rachel. Despite coercing her into saying she was “falling in love with him”, Nick did not seem to have a problem sending her home mere days later. I don’t hold a grudge against Nick or Rachel for what they did, but I will always hate The Bachelor for pulling shit like this on a consistent basis.

With only Raven and Vanessa left, it will be interesting to see where Nick’s final rose lies. Will it stupidly be with a woman 12-years his junior, or will it stupidly be with a woman with whom he shares no beliefs, values, or citizenship? I’d say I can’t wait to find out, but I’m pretty sure no matter what happens, I’ll leave disappointed.

Keep an eye out tomorrow evening for the Women Tell All recap!

Gossip Squirrel

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