Full disclosure, I will only be recapping the first hour of
last night’s three hour marathon tonight. There is no way I have enough brain
power this late in the season to watch three hours of The Bachelor, write about the show, and remember to keep breathing.
Don’t worry- the Women Tell All recap
will be up tomorrow.
60 minutes of this goon is more than enough for me, thank you very much.
The episode began with Raven leaving her fantasy suite after
a night with Nick. To this point, Raven
has not been shy about her sex life, reminiscing about the time she beat her ex
with his mistress’ stiletto or the fact that the same ex never managed to make
her orgasm. While leaving Nick’s bungalow, however, Raven suddenly found her
modesty, saying, “Nick is very good at what he does,” and “I left satisfied.”
What the hell is that, Raven? I was counting on you for specifics! Foreplay,
moves, precise penis measurements: these were all things Bachelor Nation was
counting on you to provide! Meanwhile, you’re over here treating this
relationship with respect and discretion. No thanks.
After Raven left, Nick went on his second date of the week
with Rachel. The two attempted to cross country ski, which was an unmitigated
disaster. I’m sure at some point Rachel managed to travel more than six feet
without toppling into the snow, but we never saw it on the show. After her
umpteenth fall, Rachel defends herself, saying “I’ve never done this before!”
While that may be true, Rachel also went to school in Wisconsin, so there’s
basically no excuse for not being mobile in the snow.
At dinner, Rachel tells Nick about how hard it is for her to
share her feelings. After some encouragement, both liquid and verbal, Rachel is
eventually goaded into telling Nick that she is falling in love with him.
Having said the magic words, Nick and Rachel rush off to the fantasy suite to
enjoy some private time. I can’t help but think the beauty of this moment was
undercut by the preexisting knowledge that Nick will dump Rachel soon.
I know I say this every year, but I'm legitimately excited for next season.
The final date of the evening went to Vanessa and it truly
was one of the more confusing things I have see on The Bachelor. The two briefly warmed up in a sauna before running
out into the snow and jumping into a frozen lake. After only a few seconds in
the freezing water, Nick and Vanessa scampered back into the sauna to warm up,
only to jump back into the freezing water again… and again… and again. This was
deeply satisfying to watch in a schadenfreude
sort of way.
Once the pair was finally out of the water for good, Nick
and Vanessa went to dinner. After briefly talking politely and quietly about
what big and boisterous personalities they have, Nick asked Vanessa if she was
willing to compromise in the relationship. Vanessa quickly says no and asks if
Nick was willing to accept her “three-hour Sunday tradition.” At first, I
thought Vanessa was asking Nick to come to church with her. But as it turns out,
she was asking him to come to lunch with her family. I honestly don’t know
which sounds worse.
Both Nick and Vanessa continued to bring up huge obstacles
in their relationship throughout the night. The couple can’t seem to determine
where they should live, who they should spend time with, or what they should do
for a living. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these two forgot
the other’s name, that’s how little they know about each other.
After listing off everything wrong with their relationship,
Nick again compliments himself and Vanessa on having “big personalities” and
offers her a night in the fantasy suite. She accepts because, like Nick,
Vanessa does not seem to have a functional understanding of what a healthy
relationship is.
I miss the days when Vanessa was the voice of reason.
At the season’s penultimate rose ceremony, Nick wastes no
time in eliminating Rachel. Despite coercing her into saying she was “falling
in love with him”, Nick did not seem to have a problem sending her home mere
days later. I don’t hold a grudge against Nick or Rachel for what they did, but
I will always hate The Bachelor for
pulling shit like this on a consistent basis.
With only Raven and Vanessa left, it will be interesting to
see where Nick’s final rose lies. Will it stupidly be with a woman 12-years his
junior, or will it stupidly be with a woman with whom he shares no beliefs,
values, or citizenship? I’d say I can’t wait to find out, but I’m pretty sure
no matter what happens, I’ll leave disappointed.
Keep an eye out tomorrow evening for the Women Tell All recap!
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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