The Bachelor: I'm Gonna Miss You

If the finale episode of The Bachelor succeeded in anything, it is in becoming a true reality show. The traditional spats and sweeping generalizations about love and its importance to the human condition gave way to something more pragmatic and real this season. There was almost no "here for the right reasons”, “not here to make friends", or even "suck a dick, Chris Harrison".  Nick and his now public fiancée Vanessa were open about the difficulties they face both as a celebrity couple and a long distance couple. Hell, even the scorned Raven was realistic and understanding about Nick's decision, refusing to publicly badmouth either him or Vanessa during her time. For the first time in a long while, I actually agree with Chris Harrison's annual assessment of "This season will be unlike anything you've seen before."

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chris Harrison is actually right.

The episode opened with the reintroduction of Nick's family, who have grown increasingly nervous about his decision making abilities.  Honestly, they have good reason to be worried. On three separate occasions Nick has had relationships with brunette women end painfully in primetime and now he's bringing home two more brunette women with a smile on his face. At a certain point it's got to feel like watching Sisyphus roll a boulder up the hill. We all appreciate the effort, but let it go. It's not going to happen.

Raven is the first to (re)meet Nick's family, and puts them at ease almost immediately. Nick's youngest sister has been a fan of Raven's since they first met in Waukesha, and his dad refers to her as "mature" and "a good fit". Even Nick's mom liked Raven, an astounding feat considering at this point meeting the women who will eventually crush her son has almost become a yearly tradition for Mrs. Viall.

Paying for Nick's mistakes for the last 35 years.

The family's response to Vanessa was far more tepid. This was in part due to Raven's natural charisma, but also Vanessa's honesty about her hesitations. Not only is Vanessa openly skeptical about accepting a proposal from Nick, she worries that their hard headedness will ultimately be their downfall. "Is love enough to make a relationship work?" she asks Nick's father in a pleading voice. "No," he says after a pause, "that's a cliché… a relationship requires commitment and selflessness." It's actually kind of amazing this conversation made it to air considering it undermines the whole idea of The Bachelor.

 With family time behind him, Nick prepares for his final dates of the season. The first last date goes to Vanessa, whom Nick takes horseback riding to Santa Claus’ cabin in the middle of a Finnish forest. Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, Nick asks Santa for true love, while Vanessa asks him for happiness. Since he traffics in tangible gifts over esoteric concepts, Santa gives them a piece of wood with their picture on it.

I wish I was making any/all of this up, but it was all depressingly real.

Santa and The Bachelor has always been a bad idea.

Leaving Santa in his cabin, Nick and Vanessa sit by a campfire to talk. Vanessa immediately admits that she is not content to simply have the best connection with Nick on the show. She wants to be the one true somebody for Nick. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one wondering if Vanessa had heard of The Bachelor before signing up, because that’s almost a literal description of the show.

Vanessa carried her concerns into the evening portion of the date, where she tells Nick that the show does not feel romantic like she hoped it would. Nick points out that of course it isn’t as romantic as she would like because Raven was still in the running. This makes Vanessa burst into tears. Nick meanwhile looks around confused because he is a stupid, stupid man.

Also, Santa lives is kind of a shit hole.

After Nick left Vanessa crying, he met with Raven for the final final date of the season. Nick and Raven ice skate on a frozen lake, all the while remaining the fun loving, goofy couple they have been all season. After a brief make out session on the ice, Nick surprises Raven with a literal armful of Siberian Husky puppies to play with. I’m not sure how Vanessa got “trip to glorified Mall Santa” for a date and Raven ended up with skating, making out, and puppies, but if I were Raven, I wouldn’t be complaining.

Later that night, Raven tried to console a stressed out Nick. He admits that while he doesn’t know which woman he will ultimately choose, Raven has made his day better. He also waxes rhapsodic about Raven’s loyalty, passion, and sense of humor. Nick even goes so far as to say he knows he would have a great life with Raven and she makes him proud to have her in his life. Boy, if I said all this nice stuff about Raven and didn’t pick her I sure would feel like an absolute asshole…

Pictured: An absolute asshole

Of course, Nick doesn’t pick Raven. When the final Rose Ceremony of the season begins, Raven’s is the first car to arrive. She confidently walks inside and immediately begins telling Nick how in love with him she is and how she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him. In return, Nick lets out a long sigh and Raven immediately realizes her time with him has come to an end. Instead of crying or pleading with him, Raven is stoic till the end. When Nick says, “I’m going to miss you,” Raven responds with a simple, “I know.” I can’t believe I just watched Nick Viall get Han Solo’d during a Rose Ceremony. We truly live in a golden age of television.

To her credit, Raven was emotionless until the very end. Even riding away from Nick in the car, she didn’t manage to shed a tear. As someone who was raised in a Midwestern Catholic household, I can respect that level of emotional repression. A+ work, Raven.

Why talk about your feelings when you can pretend they don't exist?

After Raven's departure, a nervous Vanessa arrives to see Nick. The two exchange the usual finale level declarations of love before Nick gets down on one knee to propose. "Vranessa Gummaldi" Nick mumbles, "will you marry me?" Vanessa must have assumed he was talking to her, and accepted his proposal as the episode came to an end.

After The Final Rose was, in large part, a reflection of the season as a whole. Nick came out first and admitted that he had a difficult decision, but was ultimately confident. Raven then joined him and said that she tried to be light hearted for Nick in order to ease the tension. The two left the stage amicably before Vanessa came out and admitted that she might not have had a great grasp on the mechanics of the show or she wouldn’t have acted so awkwardly towards Nick. Upon hearing this, I was perhaps the least surprised I have ever been in my entire life.

Eventually, Nick and Vanessa take the stage for the first time as a couple. Unlike past seasons, there was no love struck talk of marriage dates or excitement. Vanessa admitted that a combination of distance and celebrity made their relationship extraordinarily difficult. Nick even went so far as to scoff at Chris Harrison’s suggestion of a wedding, saying “We’re still getting to know each other.” While I get what Nick is saying, he lost the right to scoff at weddings when he got down on one knee and proposed.

Pictures like this lose Nick the right to do most things.

To end the night, Chris Harrison brings out new Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay for a brief interview. Rachel says that she is humbled and excited to begin her new journey, and has been shocked at how welcoming Bachelor fans have been, and basically just reiterates everything she said on Women Tell All. At first it seemed like Rachel's interview would be the same old filler Bachelor fans have come to accept from the show. However, Chris Harrison used the opportunity to reveal his massive, dramatic, earth shattering surprise, which made this segment an entirely new kind of filler.

Instead of waiting until mid-May, Chris excitedly announces that Rachel will begin meeting her suitors right now. If meeting your potential husband in front of a studio audience sounds like an extremely awkward proposition, that's because it was. None of the men seemed to have strong camera awareness, and one contestant exclaimed, “I’m going black and I’ll never go back!”

Are you kidding me? It’s not even May and already I have to listen to clueless white guys say blatantly racist shit to the first black Bachelorette. I know this is America and racist shit is the norm, but I thought I could at least go five weeks without being forced to write about it. All I expected was to read about it, live through it, and accidentally take part it in. You know, normal American shit.

Oh well, see you next season.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: Rebuke It In The Name Of Jesus

I just watched a business owner with a wildly inflated ego berate a well-spoken, professional woman for two hours straight. The woman spent most of her time laying out logical, well made arguments about why she was not only more qualified than the business owner, but more qualified than anyone for the position at stake. The business owner countered by repeatedly calling the woman names and creating conspiracy theories about her perceived motives. In the end, the business owner won by a narrow margin and we the people were stuck with a human monster for the foreseeable future.

If Corinne’s likeness to Donald Trump wasn’t obvious before last night, it sure as shit is now. The only difference I can see is that Corinne doesn’t (openly) hate Muslims, Mexicans, women, intellectuals, liberals, and cucks in general.

Somehow less sexual than your average Trump voter.

The Bachelor begins this week, as it seemingly does every week, with Corinne complaining about things she doesn’t seem to fully understand. In last night’s case, Corinne became upset that Taylor questioned her “emotional intelligence.” Unfortunately, Corinne also does not know what “emotional intelligence,” means as her anger and confusion goes a long way towards proving Taylor’s point.

After realizing her conversation with Taylor is going literally nowhere, Corinne runs to Nick to complain. She yells, “Bye, bitch!” several times before telling Nick that Taylor is bullying her. When pressed, Corinne is unable to think of a single time Taylor actually bullied her, but tells Nick, “Trust me, she’s bad.” For some reason, Nick trusts the psychotic, fame hungry contestant as though he’s never been on this show before.

After Corinne ran out of oxygen and stopped talking, it was time for the Rose Ceremony. Usual dramatics aside, the ceremony saw Astrid and the girl from Modern Family leave the show.

I'm almost positive this was her.

With two women gone, Nick takes the remaining thirteen to New Orleans for, as he puts it, some “jazzy” fun. The women really seemed to enjoy this pun whereas I felt vaguely nauseous.

Once in New Orleans, Nick takes Rachel on a one on one date. The two sample wares at a local market, eat beignets, and enjoy generally cute couple shit. At one point, Nick and Rachel see a small jazz parade processing through the streets and decide to join in. Luckily for the couple, this was an actual jazz parade and not a jazz funeral. Not even New Orleans is laid back enough to let a reality TV star mock the dead.

Turns out the nation is actually fine with it, oddly enough.

The rest of the date was fairly normal by real world standards. Nick and Rachel went to a concert, had dinner, and discussed their hopes and fears. It was a great date in the real world, but pretty boring by The Bachelor standards.

Next came the group date. Nick and his binder full of women went to a haunted plantation, The Houmas House. The group is lead around the property by a tour guide/bartender/former carnival worker named “Boo”. Boo shows off the spookier points of the plantation while recounting the story of a young girl who died there centuries ago. In Boo’s own words, “If you make her mad, she’s gonna get mad.” Thanks, Boo. I now see why you are resigned to work in a haunted house.

That sure is impressive, by the way. Hundreds of years of slavery at that plantation, and only one little white girl managed to haunt the premises. What are the odds? The women should count themselves lucky they only have to deal with a little white girl.

The ghost of adorableness future.

As night falls on the house, the women begin ghost hunting. As one bachelorette puts it, “I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do respect them.” Nonsensical though that may be, it’s better than most step-dads who neither believe in, nor respect you.

Throughout the night, Nick stole private time with several of the women. Raven blurted out, “I love you!” and then tried to hide it by talking as quickly as possible to distract Nick. Less awkward was Danielle M, who talked to Nick like an adult human and didn’t yell random feelings at him. For this act of decency, Danielle was awarded the group date rose.

The final, and best date of the evening was a two on one date between Taylor and Corinne. The two women join Nick on a boat and head deep into the Louisiana swamp. How deep into the Louisiana swamp, you ask? Well, the boat was piloted by a Dog the Bounty Hunter lookalike, so pretty deep.

They were "twangy banjo" deep.

Once the boat makes landfall, Nick and the women hike to a nearby campsite where they watch “Voodoo” ceremonies and have their tarot cards read. It’s hard to believe that the Voodoo was authentic since the ceremony was presided over by a white woman with no trace of Creole accent. Then again, Smash Mouth has been parading as a band for the last fifteen years so I guess anything is possible.

As for the tarot card reader, she was either the one legitimate psychic in history, or was fed information about the contestants by a producer. The reader immediately pegs Corinne as a destructive force in the world (which you don’t actually have to be psychic to see) and tells Taylor not to engage her. While Taylor listens thoughtfully to this advice, Corinne again tells Nick that Taylor is a bully. At first, Nick doesn’t seem entirely convinced, but Corinne makes out with him until he agrees.

The reader then tells Corinne that she needs to chill the fuck out and not be such a terrible person. Corinne nods thoughtfully and then asks the reader if Voodoo dolls are real and if she can use them to cripple a grown woman.

After thinking it over for approximately 30 seconds, Nick gives the two on one rose to Corinne and sends Taylor home. Seriously? I can understand why you wouldn’t want Taylor for a wife. She can be both boring and a bit of a know it all, neither of which presents well on a show like this. But I cannot fathom why anyone would actively say yes to a human monster like Corinne. And if you were wondering: yes, this still is an extended metaphor for the general election.

Seriously, America. Fuck you.

The episode ends on a cliffhanger with Taylor undergoing a brief Voodoo ritual before storming back to the mainland to convince Nick to dump Corinne. In all likelihood, this last ditch effort will accomplish nothing, but for a moment it will have been nice to see a smart, accomplished woman tell a loudmouthed bully to fuck off. If that’s the closest I can get to catharsis in The Bachelor, I’ll take it.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel 

The Bachelor: Everywhere I Turn There Is Poop

Before we begin, a quick warning to everyone: I've been running a low-grade fever for about 36 hours now, so not much of what was said on last night's episode of The Bachelor made any sense to me. Then again, it never really does. Regardless, I may have hallucinated some things that didn't really happen. For example, Raven recounted an attempted murder, Nick ate his own face, and Corinne spent an uncomfortably long time talking about poop. For my own sanity, I have to assume none of those things actually happened. Right?

Why can't my fever dreams be about Johnny Cash coyotes.

The episode begins hot on the heels of last week's Corinne debacle. To recap, Corinne groped Nick in a bouncy house like a horny toddler, and then opted to skip the rest of the pool party and take a nap. None of the women appreciated Corinne's overt sexuality, with Taylor and Sarah going so far as to confront her about it. "You need to pull it together," says Sarah to a still sleepy Corinne in what is definitely the understatement of the season.

Even less tactful was Taylor, who questioned Corinne's readiness for marriage based on her napping frequency and nanny having. Corinne is shocked by these allegations saying that she is, "not privileged in any way, shape, or form." This is the sort of spectacular statement, which begs the question, “How many nannies does it take to make a person privileged?” Apparently, the answer is more than one.

Poor Von Trapps... Only one nanny for the whole family...

The Rose Ceremony consisted mostly of a montage of women complaining about Corinne and begging for her to go home. In keeping up with his tradition of disappointing women, Nick gives his final rose to Corinne as the other women look on in disgust.

After the Rose Ceremony, Corinne attempts to give a sarcastic toast mocking the other women for her receiving a rose, apparently forgetting literally every other woman in the room just received a rose too. The rambling toast goes on for nearly a minute before she realizes that she forgot why she started talking and she frantically yells, "Cheers!" If this was an attempt to seem like a sane person, it failed.

Even the cast of Cheers doesn't appreciate your yelling.

The next morning, Chris Harrison tells the women they will soon be leaving the mansion and begin jet setting across the globe with Nick. Chris tells them that their first stop will be Milwaukee, WI. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a lie, because the women actually travel to a Milwaukee suburb: Waukesha. For those unfamiliar, Waukesha is a smaller, whiter, lamer version of Milwaukee. Waukesha is Milwaukee’s younger brother who sells insurance to insurance companies. Just an impossibly boring turd of a city.

Upon their arrival in Waukesha, a date card is immediately gifted to Danielle L, the woman whose face I can't remember because she has more boobs than face. Nick and the Boobs walk around Waukesha while Nick recounts his pre-teen sexual encounters. After several minutes of Nick talking about fingering girls at the library, the date gets even more awkward when the pair “run into” Nick’s ex girlfriend. The three exchange platitudes before going their separate ways so Nick can continue talking about his glory days with junior high school girls.

Nick's memory.

The night ended with cocktails and an impromptu crashing of an unnamed country show in downtown Milwaukee. Nick and the Boobs slow danced on stage for what felt like an eternity, but probably felt even longer to the sold out crowd in attendance who just wanted to watch a show instead of these two assholes dance on stage.

According to a friend onsite, they had to replay one song seven times in order to get all of the shots they needed of Nick and the Boobs dancing. I cannot imagine a more Middle America kind of hell.

Can't blame her. I'd dress like that too if my boobs were bigger.

Next came the group date. Nick took thirteen women to a Wisconsin farm to learn how to do basic farm chores. The women had to alternate between milking cows, spreading hay, and shoveling manure. It is worth noting that in 2017 machines do literally all of these chores, so this was less a day of chores and more an exercise in humiliation.

Twelve of the women complete these chores with a sense of humor and a smile. The thirteenth, Corinne, suddenly realizes she is doing chores and walks out of the barn to sit by herself. As she puts it, “I wouldn’t even make my nanny do farm chores.” Obviously that isn’t true as Corinne’s nanny is constantly taking care of a giant ass. Seeing Corinne sitting alone smelling like cow shit was the only time I have truly been happy while watching this show.

No reason for this. Just want you to be as unhappy as I am.

Once the farm chores had ended, Corinne came to a sudden realization saying, “I’m starting to think the other women don’t like me.” In an attempt to prove her hypothesis, Corinne asks the women what they think of her. Immediately, the women assault her with a chorus of, “You’re immature,” “You’re constantly sleeping,” and “Why the fuck do you have a nanny?” Instead of taking their criticism, Corinne points out that both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps before honking her boobs and then asks if she is still immature. I was legitimately shocked to find out that this all actually happened and wasn’t a fever dream.

Corinne also claimed that age is just a number. While technically true, it is also a defense creepy high school teachers are forced to use in a courtroom.

Mercifully, the group date ended with Kristina getting a rose. I still have no idea where Kristina is from, but she fascinates me. Every time she speaks it sounds like Vladimir Putin doing an impression of the Dukes of Hazzard.

To be fair, Putin is always doing an impression of The Dukes of Hazzard.

The final one on one date of the evening goes to Raven. Nick surprises her by taking Raven to his little sister’s soccer game. Raven does a good job pretending to be excited about the date, even though watching children’s athletics is the least romantic date imaginable.

Nick continues his weird date with both Raven and his sister at a local skating rink. Nick’s sister and Raven actually managed to have a fairly cute conversation about Nick, which was one of the high points of the show. The two talked about the show and what Raven likes in a man while Nick did skating tricks in the background. While still a bit awkward, this part of the date was infinitely better than watching children’s soccer.

The date ended with dinner and more roller-skating at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Raven decided to recount the time she beat her ex-boyfriend with another woman’s shoe for cheating on her. She also mentions that she could describe the other woman’s vagina, which is a weird detail to include. Even weirder was Nick’s response of, “How so?” Come on, Nick. Don’t go all Juan Pablo on me. Not this early in the season.

No, Juan Pablo! Ess not ok!

After Raven’s date, the women prepare for a cocktail party. Within seconds, it becomes apparent that Corinne is hell-bent on getting revenge on the other women for not liking her. She pulls Taylor aside and begins berating her for being honest even though Corinne had asked her to do so. Taylor, like the audience, was completely unsurprised by Corinne, and told her she lacked emotional intelligence. What followed was several minutes of Corinne trying to convince Taylor that she thought Corinne was stupid. This was somehow supposed to prove that Corinne wasn’t stupid. I’m not sure what kind of mental gymnastics Corinne did to get to this point, but she definitely sprained an ankle in the process.

The episode ends moments before the next rose ceremony.

After writing all of this out, I kind of wish it was all a fever dream.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: I Think You Are Making A Huge Mistake

I saw two dogs playing in the mud this morning. They were romping around, chasing each other, and having the time of their lives. It was honestly one of the most joyful things I have ever seen. I wanted to relay this brief moment of happiness to you before I follow it up with the despair that is recapping last night’s episode of The Bachelor. You’re welcome.

As if you didn't know why this episode was terrible.

The episode begins with the not-so-shocking revelation that Nick previously had sex with now former contestant, Liz. Most people would be happy to learn their boyfriend was not interested in pursuing a relationship with a former sexual partner. However, this is The Bachelor, so everyone freaks out about it as if Nick’s abs and three previous trips to the fantasy suite didn’t make it obvious that he wasn’t a virgin.

With many of the women bordering on near hysterics, Corinne sees the opportunity to make everything worse and takes it. Slipping out of her evening dress, Corinne slips into a trench coat in an attempt to seduce Nick. After grabbing a can of whipped cream, she squirts a bit on her chest and invites Nick to stick his head in the coat and lick it off. It was a bold plan, which failed only because Nick did not have Inspector Gadget as a childhood au pair.

"Sorry, I can't. I'm really more of a Smurfs kind of guy."

Nick immediately felt uncomfortable licking whipped cream of Corinne’s chest because 20 of his other girlfriends were within earshot. Also, I know this show is shot in the People’s Republic of California, but you can’t just go around licking women 11 years younger than you.

Rejected, Corinne drinks a bunch of wine and then passes out in her bed. She would later say that she was, “just really tired,” but considering she fell asleep in her trench coat and makeup with the lights on, I think it’s fair to say she got drunk and passed out.

At the Rose Ceremony, Nick briefly questioned Corinne’s absence before deciding the show was probably better off without her and moving on. He would then go on to eliminate Elizabeth, Hailey, and Lacey. I will give you $1,000 if you can tell me an interesting fact about any of those women without looking it up.

Pictured: One of (or all of?) the three women.

The next morning, the women awoke to a date card which read, “Everybody…” The women ponder for a moment before freaking the fuck out as 90’s boy band and pale shade of *NSYNC, The Backstreet Boys, show up. Once the collective screaming and moistening dies down, it is announced that a select group of women will back up dance for the group tonight, with a chance to win a slow dance with Nick.

During rehearsals for the show, Corinne announces that, although she is not a good dancer, she is not an attention-seeking crybaby. She then locks herself in the bathroom and cries about what a bad dancer she is. At this point, Corinne isn’t even being ironic. She’s just lying.

Finally, at the concert, the time comes for Nick and the ladies to perform. Nick walks on to the stage to thunderous applause, because the Venn Diagram of Backstreet Boys fans and The Bachelor fans is a circle. The women hurry through their slightly sloppy routine before the grossest looking Backstreet Boy declares a winner. It’s Danielle L! She and Nick then slow danced to “I Want It That Way,” while the other women look on in contempt.

Definitely the grossest.

Danielle would go on to get the date rose during the ensuing cocktail party but the real story of the evening was Corinne. Corinne first pulled Nick aside to apologize for going to sleep during the rose ceremony. After Nick tried to play it off like it wasn’t incredibly weird, Corinne proceeded to thank him and then left to go take a nap. At this point, I’m not sure if Corinne is literally a toddler or just has the sleep schedule of one.

After waking up, Corinne proceeded to tell the other women about her nanny. Again, keep in mind this is a 24-year-old woman who has a driver’s license and pays taxes, talking about her full time caretaker. Corinne made a half assed attempt to justify her nanny by saying, “It make her [the nanny] happy, and I’m not gonna stop a woman’s happiness.” I truly find it hard to believe Corinne’s daily presence is not destroying her nanny’s happiness given that I only have to see her for two hours a week and am already falling into a despair just thinking about her.

"See? She loves all this menial labor."

With the group date over, Nick’s one on one date for the week goes to Vanessa. The two board a “Zero G” plane, which flies in parabolic arcs to create the sensation of weightlessness for the passengers. Nick and Vanessa have a wonderful time floating around the plane and making out in zero gravity.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, however. As the plane begins its climb again, Nick and Vanessa are pinned to the floor of the plane by the increasing g forces. Within minutes Vanessa grabs a barf bag and fills it. Then she fills another. And then another. At a certain point I had to stop and check that the footage wasn’t duplicated, because it seemed impossible that such a small woman could be filled with so much vomit.

To Nick’s credit, he did comfort Vanessa throughout her sickness spell. Unfortunately, he did so by rubbing her inner thigh and repeatedly kissing her. Not only is kissing a vomit filled mouth disgusting, but did you ever stop to think that maybe Vanessa just wants to be left alone with her puke and shame? The only thing worse than throwing up on a plane is having a stranger constantly try to kiss you while you do so.

Throwing up directly into his mouth.

Once Nick cleaned the vomit from his beard, it was off to the last group date. Nick and the women meet Olympians; Carl Lewis, Allyson Felix, and Michelle Carter on a local running track where they will compete in a “Nickathalon.” As best I can tell, a “Nickathalon” consists of regular track and field events performed badly with Nick Viall’s face grimacing in the background.

To give an example of how un-athletic this competition was, the final event was a foot race to a ring, which the winner would grab before jumping into a hot tub with Nick. The race was between Rachel, Alexis, and Astrid. While Rachel decisively won the race, she knocked the ring to the ground and then smashed it with her foot while Alexis crossed the finish line and then looked confused. During the chaos, Astrid picked up one of the ring shards and jumped into the hot tub. The three Olympian judges let this stand, because knowing the finer points of the “Nickathalon” was not required for them to receive their $500 paychecks for the day.

After the event’s chaos died down, Dominique, a woman I have neither seen nor heard from, begins to complain that Nick is ignoring her. More specifically, Dominique is upset because she feels uncomfortable on the show, hasn’t spoken to Nick, and he hasn’t done anything about it. Essentially, Dominique is Ned Flanders’ parents.

See? I told you.

After some liquid courage, Dominique pulls Nick aside to tell him that he hasn’t been paying enough attention to her needs. She also says that it is completely unacceptable for Nick to ignore her throughout a date and says he needs to do a better job of caring for her. Nick responds by telling Dominique that he doesn’t feel the same and kicks her off the show. Good try though, Dominique.

With Dominique gone, Nick gives the rose to Rachel because she is still the best thing on this show. Good work, Viall. At least you did one thing right this episode.

This picture is literally all I, or Nick, know about Dominique.

With the final date concluded, “Batchmaker” Chris Harrison arrives to tell the women that, instead of a cocktail party, the women and Nick will be enjoying a pool party this afternoon. Within seconds of Nick’s arrival at the party, the women collectively rip his shirt off and begin rubbing sunscreen on his chest. Good work, ladies. Proper skin care is important, especially in the summer months. I’m glad to see you have Nick’s health in mind.

Minutes into the party, Nick is seduced away by Corinne who has somehow gotten her hands on a bouncy castle. The two hop around for several minutes before Nick is pinned to the floor of the castle by Corinne. She mounts him for several more minutes while the other women watch from a distance, debating if they should call the police or not.

Once Nick is free of Corinne, and has had sufficient time to let his erection subside, he returns to the remaining women. Raven, Jasmine, and several other women immediately sit down with Nick to tell him what a psycho Corinne is. Nick mumbles a feigned surprise as if he hasn’t been sexually assaulted by the same woman three times already. It was not until Vanessa asks Nick if he is, “looking for a wife or someone to fuck around with,” that he stops grinning like an idiot. Instead, he sits speechless as the episode fades to black.

VANESSA. CAN. GET. IT.

It would truly be the darkest timeline, but I genuinely hope the rest of the women quit the show next week, leaving Nick alone with Corinne. I would love to watch seven more weeks of Nick regretting his life choices.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel