The Bachelor: My Vagine Is Platinum

Before we begin, I'd like to extend heartfelt congratulations to Rachel Lindsay on being announced as our next Bachelorette. I genuinely did not know if I would live to see a black bachelorette in my lifetime, which is saying something considering both modern medicine and the fact that I'm still in my 20s. Regardless, congratulations to Rachel on her new crown. May she wear it well.

On the flip side, I'd also like to extend a hearty "go fuck yourself" to Bachelor/ette Executive Producer and human turd, Mike Fleiss, for delighting in his long overdue designation of a black person as a lead on his show.  For the unaware, Fleiss has spent the last week tweeting out poorly written "clues" about who the next Bachelorette will be including, "This history-making, historic announcement could be the most history in the history of #thebachelor." You'd think a man who has a combined 33 seasons of The Bachelor/ette to his name would be somewhat ashamed that it took so long to have a black protagonist. Instead, Fleiss is spending his time self-congratulating and pretending the show has overcome something that isn't his own racist tendencies.

Yep. It's going to be one of those kind of posts.

"It's historic because she's black, and I've never let those people on my shows." - Probably Mike Fleiss

Lets move on from the blatant racism of The Bachelor producers to the casual racism of the show itself. Last night’s episode began on the morning following Nick’s emotional breakdown. Through a series of dramatic pauses, Nick confesses to Chris Harrison that he is nervous that none of these relationships will work out. Oh Nick, you don’t have to be nervous about these relationships not working out. This is The Bachelor; these relationships definitely won’t work out.

Nick returns to the women and tells them that although he is incredibly nervous about whether this show will actually result in a long-term relationship for him, he feels confident about their relationships and will continue on the show. The women are relieved and take this for the compliment that it absolutely is not.

Already having put the women through a stressful night and a bullshit excuse the next morning, Nick decided to show a rare bit of good decision making and canceled the upcoming Rose Ceremony. He then announced that the show would be traveling to Bimini. The women were all beyond excited, unlike myself who hastily Googled “where is Bimini?” during the upcoming commercial break.

I Google image searched Bimini. Is this it?

Once in Bimini, Nick grabs Vanessa for the first one on one date of the evening. The two hop onto a yacht where Vanessa immediately tries to make Nick apologize for his antics last week. Both spout off clichés and meaningless metaphors until neither is mad anymore. Granted, neither is mad because they have been talking in circles for over an hour, but at least they are not mad.

Later at dinner, Vanessa tells Nick that she is falling in love with him. Nick responds by immediately breaking eye contact and mumbling something about how he only wants to say, “I love you” to one person. I’m not sure what kind of mental math Nick is working with here, but he needs to show his work. I’ve personally blogged about him saying, “I love you” to at least two women. However he is explaining this sudden inability to express love, it is lost on me.

Next came the group date between Corinne, Kristina, and Raven. Because Bimini is small and there isn’t much to actually do, Nick takes the three women back out on the same boat he and Vanessa were just on. The four date goers go snorkeling with sharks before Kristina suddenly realizes that sharks can eat people and hurriedly swims back to the boat. Nick swims after her leaving Corinne and Raven alone in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Somehow this qualifies as a “good date.”

Nick, back on the boat.

Later that evening, Nick pulls each of the women aside individually. First is Kristina to whom he apologizes for his recent emotional outbursts. Kristina comforts him by shrugging and making out with him. Somehow I can’t help but feel like Nick got the better end of the deal in this exchange.

Meaningless though Nick’s conversation with Kristina was, his conversations with Raven and Corinne were downright pointless. Raven told Nick that her dad used to have lung cancer but is fine now, which led to a well-deserved awkward silence. Then Corinne told him she was upset to have never received a one on one date. It was a fair criticism that Nick countered by saying, “but our relationship is good!” This non-sequitor calmed Corinne long enough for Nick to run away and give the date rose to Raven. What a complete waste of time.

Danielle M’s date came next. She and Nick rode bikes, visited local shops, and got schooled in basketball by some local youths, because again, there isn’t much to do on Bimini. I don’t know if it was the weeks of nonstop drinking, or the lack of glamorous activities, but Nick and Danielle’s date fell completely flat. The two spent a majority of their time asking close-ended questions and staring into the middle distance hoping something noteworthy would happen.

It never did.

Hard to imagine the guy chugging foam wouldn't be a stunning conversationalist.

Later that night, Danielle would attempt to save her relationship by telling Nick, “You’re fun to have fun with” before confessing her love. Nick on the other hand grimaced so hard it was hard to imagine he wasn’t already planning to break up with her. Nick goes on to give his standard rambling monologue about how “great you are,” and how, “I can’t love you like I need to,” before finally dumping Danielle. He has used the same speech for nearly every break up to this point, but damn if it isn’t effective.

Danielle returns to the house to pack her belongings crying all along the way. At one point, Danielle stopped and stared at the door, wishing for Nick to come through and take her back. This hits way too close to home. May the road rise to meet you, Danielle.

No matter what, we'll always have whatever this is.

Seeing Danielle leave and realizing that she could be next, Corinne takes it upon herself to chug a liter of wine before storming off to sexually assault Nick. She meanders through the resort before stumbling upon Nick’s room and sweet-talking her way inside. There, after half a drink, Corinne pulls Nick into the bedroom and attempts to play sexy games with him. Nick puts a stop to this almost immediately out of respect for the other women, but also because even he isn’t drunk enough for this shit. Corinne, on the other hand, leaves humiliated.

The final date of the evening went to Rachel and I honestly can’t think of a more pointless date this season. Rachel was great, of course, but the recent news of her being named the next Bachelorette renders everything that happens in the coming weeks completely pointless. At this point, I’m just riding out the weeks until Rachel’s season.

"Look how black she is! I'm a hero!" - Mike Fleiss

The episode ends with Nick arriving at the women’s house and asking to speak to Kristina. He pulls her outside and tells her that he has love for her, but isn’t in love with her. Despite her insistence to remain, Nick does not want to drag Kristina along unnecessarily and without reason. The two share a tearful goodbye as the episode ends.

That’s all until next week.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: Everywhere I Turn There Is Poop

Before we begin, a quick warning to everyone: I've been running a low-grade fever for about 36 hours now, so not much of what was said on last night's episode of The Bachelor made any sense to me. Then again, it never really does. Regardless, I may have hallucinated some things that didn't really happen. For example, Raven recounted an attempted murder, Nick ate his own face, and Corinne spent an uncomfortably long time talking about poop. For my own sanity, I have to assume none of those things actually happened. Right?

Why can't my fever dreams be about Johnny Cash coyotes.

The episode begins hot on the heels of last week's Corinne debacle. To recap, Corinne groped Nick in a bouncy house like a horny toddler, and then opted to skip the rest of the pool party and take a nap. None of the women appreciated Corinne's overt sexuality, with Taylor and Sarah going so far as to confront her about it. "You need to pull it together," says Sarah to a still sleepy Corinne in what is definitely the understatement of the season.

Even less tactful was Taylor, who questioned Corinne's readiness for marriage based on her napping frequency and nanny having. Corinne is shocked by these allegations saying that she is, "not privileged in any way, shape, or form." This is the sort of spectacular statement, which begs the question, “How many nannies does it take to make a person privileged?” Apparently, the answer is more than one.

Poor Von Trapps... Only one nanny for the whole family...

The Rose Ceremony consisted mostly of a montage of women complaining about Corinne and begging for her to go home. In keeping up with his tradition of disappointing women, Nick gives his final rose to Corinne as the other women look on in disgust.

After the Rose Ceremony, Corinne attempts to give a sarcastic toast mocking the other women for her receiving a rose, apparently forgetting literally every other woman in the room just received a rose too. The rambling toast goes on for nearly a minute before she realizes that she forgot why she started talking and she frantically yells, "Cheers!" If this was an attempt to seem like a sane person, it failed.

Even the cast of Cheers doesn't appreciate your yelling.

The next morning, Chris Harrison tells the women they will soon be leaving the mansion and begin jet setting across the globe with Nick. Chris tells them that their first stop will be Milwaukee, WI. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a lie, because the women actually travel to a Milwaukee suburb: Waukesha. For those unfamiliar, Waukesha is a smaller, whiter, lamer version of Milwaukee. Waukesha is Milwaukee’s younger brother who sells insurance to insurance companies. Just an impossibly boring turd of a city.

Upon their arrival in Waukesha, a date card is immediately gifted to Danielle L, the woman whose face I can't remember because she has more boobs than face. Nick and the Boobs walk around Waukesha while Nick recounts his pre-teen sexual encounters. After several minutes of Nick talking about fingering girls at the library, the date gets even more awkward when the pair “run into” Nick’s ex girlfriend. The three exchange platitudes before going their separate ways so Nick can continue talking about his glory days with junior high school girls.

Nick's memory.

The night ended with cocktails and an impromptu crashing of an unnamed country show in downtown Milwaukee. Nick and the Boobs slow danced on stage for what felt like an eternity, but probably felt even longer to the sold out crowd in attendance who just wanted to watch a show instead of these two assholes dance on stage.

According to a friend onsite, they had to replay one song seven times in order to get all of the shots they needed of Nick and the Boobs dancing. I cannot imagine a more Middle America kind of hell.

Can't blame her. I'd dress like that too if my boobs were bigger.

Next came the group date. Nick took thirteen women to a Wisconsin farm to learn how to do basic farm chores. The women had to alternate between milking cows, spreading hay, and shoveling manure. It is worth noting that in 2017 machines do literally all of these chores, so this was less a day of chores and more an exercise in humiliation.

Twelve of the women complete these chores with a sense of humor and a smile. The thirteenth, Corinne, suddenly realizes she is doing chores and walks out of the barn to sit by herself. As she puts it, “I wouldn’t even make my nanny do farm chores.” Obviously that isn’t true as Corinne’s nanny is constantly taking care of a giant ass. Seeing Corinne sitting alone smelling like cow shit was the only time I have truly been happy while watching this show.

No reason for this. Just want you to be as unhappy as I am.

Once the farm chores had ended, Corinne came to a sudden realization saying, “I’m starting to think the other women don’t like me.” In an attempt to prove her hypothesis, Corinne asks the women what they think of her. Immediately, the women assault her with a chorus of, “You’re immature,” “You’re constantly sleeping,” and “Why the fuck do you have a nanny?” Instead of taking their criticism, Corinne points out that both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps before honking her boobs and then asks if she is still immature. I was legitimately shocked to find out that this all actually happened and wasn’t a fever dream.

Corinne also claimed that age is just a number. While technically true, it is also a defense creepy high school teachers are forced to use in a courtroom.

Mercifully, the group date ended with Kristina getting a rose. I still have no idea where Kristina is from, but she fascinates me. Every time she speaks it sounds like Vladimir Putin doing an impression of the Dukes of Hazzard.

To be fair, Putin is always doing an impression of The Dukes of Hazzard.

The final one on one date of the evening goes to Raven. Nick surprises her by taking Raven to his little sister’s soccer game. Raven does a good job pretending to be excited about the date, even though watching children’s athletics is the least romantic date imaginable.

Nick continues his weird date with both Raven and his sister at a local skating rink. Nick’s sister and Raven actually managed to have a fairly cute conversation about Nick, which was one of the high points of the show. The two talked about the show and what Raven likes in a man while Nick did skating tricks in the background. While still a bit awkward, this part of the date was infinitely better than watching children’s soccer.

The date ended with dinner and more roller-skating at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Raven decided to recount the time she beat her ex-boyfriend with another woman’s shoe for cheating on her. She also mentions that she could describe the other woman’s vagina, which is a weird detail to include. Even weirder was Nick’s response of, “How so?” Come on, Nick. Don’t go all Juan Pablo on me. Not this early in the season.

No, Juan Pablo! Ess not ok!

After Raven’s date, the women prepare for a cocktail party. Within seconds, it becomes apparent that Corinne is hell-bent on getting revenge on the other women for not liking her. She pulls Taylor aside and begins berating her for being honest even though Corinne had asked her to do so. Taylor, like the audience, was completely unsurprised by Corinne, and told her she lacked emotional intelligence. What followed was several minutes of Corinne trying to convince Taylor that she thought Corinne was stupid. This was somehow supposed to prove that Corinne wasn’t stupid. I’m not sure what kind of mental gymnastics Corinne did to get to this point, but she definitely sprained an ankle in the process.

The episode ends moments before the next rose ceremony.

After writing all of this out, I kind of wish it was all a fever dream.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel