BiP Episode 12: An Indecent Proposal

The Bachelor in Paradise finale is here. 18 hours of drunk, emotionally unstable women trying to win the love of drunk, man-children finally came to an end last night, and it couldn’t have come soon enough. I realize that this show has only been on the air for six weeks, but I can no longer remember what life was like before Bachelor in Paradise. If Chris Harrison asked me to drop everything and join his cult, I wouldn’t hesitate.

Try not to stare into his eyes, lest you fall under his spell.

Since Carly’s breakup and departure, everyone in Paradise has begun questioning their own relationships. “Kirk and Carly were boyfriend and girlfriend,” Tenley says in her best serious voice, “She thought she was going to be marrying this guy.” Tenley says this like it isn’t crazy to assume you’ll be marrying someone after knowing them less than five weeks.

In this final week, couples will each have a one on one date with an optional fantasy suite. The first couple is Nick and Samantha. They seem like less of a couple and more like two people who just happen to be in a room together. For a couple that has been talking for three months prior to meeting each other, you’d think they have more to say. After two minutes of painful silences, Nick and Samantha decide to take advantage of their fantasy suite. How anything these two have qualifies as a legitimate relationship is beyond me.

They're like an old couple who just enjoys the company.

The next date was Justin and Cassandra. As a mother, Cassandra is worried about the potential fantasy suite, because finding footage of your mom talking about fucking a guy she just met is how serial killers are made. Justin understands her concerns and forgoes the fantasy suite for fear of becoming her son’s first victim.

The most depressing date of the night was Tenley and Joshua. They are infatuated with each other, but Tenley has concerns about how this will work in the real world. The two live 1,000 miles apart and lead drastically different lives. As she sees it, there is no chance for a relationship outside of Paradise. Joshua is convinced they can find a way to make it work, but he is also known for being a big dumb oaf who has never been in love before. God, this is going to be like watching someone put down a puppy.

Don't worry boy. It'll all be over soon.

Finally, we see a brief recap of power couple, Jade and Tanner’s date. Tanner says that he loves her, and Jade says the same to him. The two retreat to their suite for the night. There's nothing particularly funny or interesting about that, but what did you expect? Real couples aren't that entertaining.

Our four couples return to Paradise the next morning, and everyone is pleased with how their overnight dates went. Sensing happiness and the need to snuff it out, Chris Harrison appears to prepare everyone for the final rose ceremony of the season. “Giving a rose today means you are committed to a life together outside of Paradise,” he says, “Marriage, kids, the whole thing.” Obviously those roses mean literally nothing once everyone leaves Paradise, but does Chris Harrison seem like more of an overbearing mother than usual? He’s taken the rose significance from “Keep dating after Paradise,” to “Give me Bachelor grandkids now!”

"Please just have kids so we can legitimize this show."

The rose ceremony begins with Justin and Cassandra. They each accept each other’s roses and leave Paradise. Once they get home, they will no doubt lie to their children about who this strange new stepparent is and what they have been doing for the past five weeks.

Nick and Samantha also accept each other’s rose. Nick tells her, “I’ve prayed so long to meet a woman with the qualities you have, and you’re so beautiful.” As he and Samantha walk along the beach, he says “I’ve not only been extremely physically attracted to her but she has so many qualities that I’m looking for.” Name one of those qualities, Nick. I defy you to name one thing you like about Samantha beyond “hotness.” I know you can’t do that, because no one can do that. Samantha is completely one-dimensional.

Also, Nick wore sandals and dress pants. Who let that happen?

Joshua and Tenley are next. Despite everything Tenley has said, Joshua still offers her his rose. As much as she loves and respects Joshua, Tenley cannot accept his rose and drag out the inevitable. Joshua seemed resigned to this fact and didn’t say a word from the beach to their cars. The two leave Paradise depressed, but still on good terms.

The final rose ceremony was Tanner and Jade’s. Obviously the previews spoiled what was going to happen here. Jade gives a Tanner a rose after a moving speech chronicling her love for him. Tanner, in turn, does not give Jade a rose, but instead a ring because, “what we have is worth so much more than a rose.” He then proposes while Chris Harrison is behind the scenes losing his mind at the idea of anything being more valuable than roses.

"Yesssss. Preciousss."

That does it for this season of Bachelor in Paradise. It’s been occasionally frustrating (though mostly fun) to sit through this season with all of you fine folk. I am very much looking forward to a three-month break from all Bachelor related activity. Don’t worry though, I’ll see you all again on January 4^th to see some high quality Ben H shenanigans.

Until next time.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

BiP Episode 11: I Wanna Throw Up

Fuck everything. Fuck this show. Fuck ABC. Fuck Chris Harrison. Fuck everyone involved in this show. Stop making me feel these feelings. You’re all terrible.

Especially you, Chris Harrison. Fuck you.

The penultimate episode of Bachelor in Paradise begins with Ashley I leading Jared to the fantasy suite. She wants Jared to take her virginity as a means of solidifying their relationship. Keep in mind that up to this point their “relationship” has consisted almost entirely of Ashley I fawning over Jared while he slowly backs away from her. The only thing remaining to solidify is their break up. Even Ashley I seems to realize this as an inevitability. “Jared is my dream guy,” she says, because even in her dreams, people are annoyed by her.

In keeping with tonight’s theme of “everyone and everything is terrible all of the time,” Mikey takes this opportunity to break up with Juelia. As he explains it, Juelia is a wonderful person, he just doesn’t feel a romantic connection with her. Mikey probably hasn’t felt a romantic love for anything besides Creatine, so this really should not have been a surprise. Juelia, however, is devastated and decides to leave the show.

While Juelia is leaving, Jaclyn is continuing her search for someone to take on a date. She eventually decides to ask Justin out, saying “I heard he just got off a crappy date which would be a great fit for me.” So her ideal date is a depressed man with no other prospects? I know Jaclyn is supposed to be a badass chick (you can tell because of the AC/DC rip off music that plays whenever she’s on screen) but that is pretty pathetic.

Jaclyn is as badass as modern day AC/DC...

Justin agrees to the date, however he changes his tune when Cassandra (Juan Pablo’s season) arrives in Paradise. Unaware that he has been asked out by Jaclyn, Cassandra asks out Justin as well. Instead of recreating every 90’s sitcom and attempting to go on two dates in the same day, Justin decides to cancel his date with Jaclyn. Justin doesn’t give Jaclyn an explanation for canceling the date, but I’m sure if prompted he would have said “Because Cassandra doesn’t look like she’ll stab me in a dark alley.”

Jaclyn is upset that Justin defied her will, saying “I never thought the keys to success here would be: A, have a kid. B, talk to fruits and vegetables. C, talk to animals and raccoons. D, be a complete psychopath.” Jaclyn, if you didn’t think those were immediate ways to succeed on this show, then you’ve never watched Bachelor in Paradise. If anything, those are the only ways to succeed on this show.

Or E: Be inordinately pretty.

Jaclyn goes on to say she wishes that Justin had been more honest with her and not “such a pussy.” Let me be honest then, Jaclyn. Justin isn’t a pussy, you’re just a dick.

Seeing that Jaclyn was out of prospects, Nick asked her if he could have her date card. Keep in mind that while he and Jaclyn were on Bachelor Pad, Nick eliminated her from competition and stabbed her best friend in the back to win $250,000. That is obviously a shitty thing to do, so Jaclyn decides to get her revenge. She makes Nick roll around in the sand in order to earn the date card.

Wait. Seriously?

The guy stole a quarter million dollars from your best friend, and you get revenge by getting sand on him? That’s not revenge. That’s barely an inconvenience. I really hope Jaclyn got her money’s worth, because that is one expensive sandy buttcrack.

She could have at least punched him in the face. That's what I would have done.

Justin and Cassandra’s date was one of the few bright spots of the episode. The two single parents went horseback riding on the beach and shared stories of their children. At one point, Justin described Cassandra as, “like a girl on a romance novel.” Why was that his first point of reference? Judging from Justin’s hair, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was a big Danielle Steele fan. Maybe those are the only books he’s read.

Back in Paradise, Ashley I and Jared have returned from their overnight date. Ashley I is excited about their time together, but Jared has the same look of shock and horror as someone who just walked in on their roommate masturbating. He privately admits to the other guys that he did not take Ashley I’s virginity, and now has to go break up with her. This feels like the fourth time Jared has broken up with Ashley I. Or maybe it’s only the first? I can’t tell anymore. Time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re gonna do over and over and over again.

This is what Bachelor in Paradise is turning me into.

Jared breaks up with Ashley I for a final time before choosing to leave Paradise. After he leaves, Ashley I says, “I didn’t think I was going to cry anymore.” I don’t believe her for a second. Either her life’s happiness was based entirely on Jared, or she has the memory of a goldfish. Given the vacant stares, I’ll go with the latter.

Nick and Sam’s date was next. The two ate dinner prepared by a celebrity chef whose name was clearly not recognizable enough for me to write down. Their meals were delicious, however, and the two must have had a good time at dinner because they shared their first kiss. I say “must have” because their conversation (if it can be called that) was unlistenable. I won’t even pretend to give a shit about them. Let’s move on.

Finally, the cast arrives for the final cocktail party of the season, when Chris Harrison arrives to tell them that the party has been cancelled. Instead, they will proceed directly to the rose ceremony. After his announcement, Chris Harrison climbs back into his coffin where he will rest before feeding on local villagers and livestock.

"Here are a list of my demands. Fulfill them or I will force everyone to wear this heinous shirt."

Ashley I finally decides to leave before the rose ceremony. She tells everyone that without Jared to force her feelings upon, she can’t see a reason to stay on the show. While riding off in the car, Ashley I calls her sister to tell her of the news. “Were you in love with him?” Lauren asks. “No, but close enough,” responds Ashley I. In Ashley I’s mind, stalking is equivalent to love. That shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone reading this, but it merits recognition.

The rose ceremony begins with the usual couples. Carly and Kirk, Jade and Tanner, and Tenley and Josh all pair up. Samantha and Nick, and Cassandra and Justin also form new couples as well. Next is Dan, who gives a small speech about not finding anyone in Paradise, before leaving. That leaves us with Mikey who, as Carly aptly points out, is about to do something stupid.

What else was he going to do? Something smart?

Mikey has made no connections in Paradise with anyone besides Juelia, whom he just dumped. Instead of also leaving, Mikey tries to give his rose to Mackenzie, a person he has never spoken to before. My best guess is that Mikey is really into single moms, and he thought Mackenzie would be interested in a meat sack stepfather for her child. It turns out that she isn’t, because Mackenzie would literally rather leave Paradise that accept Mikey’s rose, which she does. Dejected, Mikey follows suit and leaves as well.

After the rose ceremony, only five couples remain. Carly sings an impromptu song about roses while Kirk panic drinks next to her. Kirk had been having second thoughts about their relationship, and this was surely the icing on the cake.

"Save me, alcohol."

The next morning, Kirk finally realizes that he has to break up with Carly. He describes their relationship as, “Laying next to someone but still feeling alone.” That’s right, this isn’t going to be your run of the mill breakup. This is some heavy, adult feelings shit.

Kirk pulls Carly aside to talk, and it is immediately obvious what he is there to say. Carly panics and tries to leave several times before saying, “I wanna throw up.” Kirk responds hilariously by saying, “Please don’t throw up.”  Just to be clear, Carly wasn’t going to throw up as a defense mechanism or out of anger. She’s not the Dilophosaurus from Jurassic Park.

"Please don't throw up."

Carly eventually does run away from Kirk and immediately begins to pack her things. He tries to chase after her and explain his feelings, but Carly is too upset to listen to him. “I want nothing to do with you ever again,” she yells, before hugging Jade goodbye and leaving. Kirk then packs his bags and leaves as well. Both cry in their separate cars as the episode ends.

I know this show is fake and an obviously heightened version of reality, but the Carly/Kirk breakup was absolutely gut wrenching to watch. Every now and then, Bachelor in Paradise actually finds a shockingly real storyline, and when they do it catches me completely off guard. Between the booze-fueled confessionals and forced relationships, there are occasionally moments of true vulnerability, which come across as even more surprising than the intentionally ridiculous ones. Carly’s heartbreak was one of those vulnerable moments that cut through the show’s facade, devastating me.

I guess there’s nothing left to do but wipe away the tears and watch the finale.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

BiP Episode 7: Boom. Gone. Game Over.

First off, let me apologize for the late posts this week. I was on vacation in New Orleans and couldn't/refused to take time to watch the show. In any case, I'm back and ready to go.

For the second week in a row, Bachelor in Paradise opens with more Joe/Samantha/Juelia/everyone in the cast drama. It’s no surprise either. Joe and Samantha’s near pathological commitment to a lie is downright impressive. I haven’t seen someone continuously lie about trying to get rid of a white girl since OJ Simpson.

We begin with Joe storming off from JJ, who is still trying to fight him. Joe then sits down with Paradise’s bartender, Jorge, and declares he made JJ “his bitch.” I’m not sure what world Joe lives in, where running from a fight equals making someone your “bitch,” but I’d like to live there. I’ve avoided enough fights in my life to have more “bitches” than a Michael Vick.

He's totally a good guy now though, right?

Joe has considerably less confidence off screen, as he confides in Samantha that he “doesn’t know how much longer he can do this.” Samantha says, “Just stop thinking about it” and “I’m having a good time with you, that’s all you should be thinking about.” I’m sure Samantha thinks this is good advice, but in reality it looks more like a plea for Joe to shut the hell up for two minutes.

The pre-rose cocktail party begins with an admission from Joe. He stands before the group and admits to talking with Samantha before arriving in Paradise, a fact he has already stated and everyone else already knows. When multiple people try to question him further on this, Samantha steps in and tries to answer for him. While I totally understand her trepidation in allowing hillbilly Joe to speak for her, Samantha is really Yoko Ono-ing the shit out of this situation. She even tried to convince Tanner (the one person who has seen evidence of their plotting) that they did nothing wrong. That is a level of delusion I can barely comprehend.

Joe later backs up Samantha by saying, “I’m her guy... no, wait… yeah… I’m her guy and she’s my girl.” Either Joe is having some sort of gender identity crisis, or he’s having problems remembering the lines Samantha has been feeding him.

Joe is having sudden realizations about gender.

While this is happening, Ashley I pulls Jared aside to talk. She gushes about how wonderful he is before sitting in an awkward silence for several seconds. Realizing that their conversation isn’t going well, Ashley I tries to save it by coercing Jared into kissing her. Based on how obsessively Ashley I is pining for Jared, I wouldn’t be surprised if the phrase “Just the tip” had been uttered at some point in the night.

Throughout the cocktail party, multiple people try to convince JJ to give his rose to Juelia. At one point or another, practically every cast member voices his or her support for Juelia receiving a rose. Everyone, that is, except for Juelia. While she wants to stay on the show, she also does not want a sympathy rose. It’s odd considering Juelia has campaigned for nothing but sympathy from her fellow cast mates for two weeks straight. It would seem that for the first time ever on Bachelor in Paradise, roses do not equal feelings.

Finally, an hour into the episode, the rose ceremony begins. All the usual couples pair up (you know them by now) until only JJ and Dan are left with roses. The remaining women are Amber, Ashley S, Claire, Juelia, and Megan. In a surprise move, JJ gives his rose to Ashley S, with whom I don’t remember him having a single conversation. If I had to guess, this wasn’t so much JJ’s decision as it was the producers, in order to keep “Crazy Ashley” on the show.

"Pick Ashley S so we can keep pumping her full of booze to get shit like this."

JJ then gives a speech about how he broke up with someone else to come on the show, but now regrets it and plans to leave in order to win her back. The speech was actually very nice, but the Bachelor in Paradise scored it with a fallen soldier-esque march that made the entire situation a little ridiculous. JJ left the show to find love in a more legitimate way; he didn’t dive on a grenade to save Chris Harrison. Settle down, ABC.

As JJ is leaving he says, “I’m making a very grown up decision.” No, JJ. A grown up decision would be choosing to invest in your 401K, or doing your taxes before April 15^th, or eating fiber. You are leaving a reality TV show to chase after a woman you scorned. Your decision is “grown up” at best because there is the possibility of sex involved.

Is this what grown ups do?

After JJ leaves to join the army, or whatever it is he was doing, Dan steps forward to give the final rose. He takes a moment to himself while trying to decide between Amber and Juelia, his Eros and Philla loves, respectively. While he is thinking, the entire cast comes together to talk about what a great person Juelia is and how she needs a miracle to stay on the show. Frankly, everyone spends so much time calling Juelia a saint that a miracle might be the final step needed to complete her beatification. It really is a bit overdone.

However, Dan picks Amber for his rose. A dejected Juelia says goodbye to everyone and walks to her waiting car. As she approaches, who should get out of the car but Mikey! He’s come back to rescue Juelia! According to the show, Chris Harrison called Mikey to tell him that Juelia needed his help. Mikey then got on a plane from Chicago and flew down to Mexico in under four hours to surprise her. In reality, Mikey was probably still in his hotel room smelling his own fingers when a production assistant came and got him. It’s less romantic, but definitely more accurate.

The two rejoin the group to the delight of everyone except Joe. “I think Juelia coming back is great,” he says through clenched teeth. When asked why he didn’t look happy about it Joe said, “My face never looks happy.” You and me both, Joe. Whenever you’re on screen, my face never looks happy either.

Once everyone is back at the bungalow, Tanner receives a date card and, of course, picks Jade. The two are to immediately whisked away to Tequila, Mexico. I, like Jade, did not know there was a Tequila, Mexico. However, like Hershey, Pennsylvania or Proctor, Vermont, it was pretty obvious what the town was famous for. More on their date later.

 

I assume Proctor, VT is full of Proctologists?

The next morning, Nick (Ashley’s season) arrives in Paradise. Like Joe, Nick, had also been talking to Samantha for several months before arriving on the show. He tries to capitalize on their previous relationship by asking Samantha out on a date, but is surprised to find her (for the last time) faithful to Joe. While he is confused by this rejection, Mikey gives a surprisingly lucid rundown of the relationship statuses of everyone on the show. Honestly, I’m surprised Mikey can remember his own name much less the names and love interests of a dozen other people.

With Mikey’s information in hand, Nick asks out Ashley S, who agrees. Nick describes her as “the obvious choice.” I think what he meant to say was, “She’s the obvious second choice. Because… You know… I already asked out Samantha.” At best, Ashley S was the obvious choice because she was the only single woman in Paradise.

Nick and Ashley S were scheduled to go to a small island off the Mexican coast. However, when they arrive at the dock a local worker informs them that plans have changed. In broken English, the worker tells them that they cannot go to the island because a hurricane is approaching. Nick and Ashley S say they cannot understand him because they don’t speak Spanish. Again, the man is speaking in broken English, so a lack of Spanish should not be a problem. I think what they meant to say was, “Your accent seems kind of Spanish-y and I’m too lazy to actually listen.” I’m sorry, Mexico. I swear we’re not all like this.

Let’s go back to Jade and Tanner’s date. The two have a wonderful time at the tequila distillery and eventually find a card from Chris Harrison offering them a fantasy suite. The two enthusiastically accepted the opportunity. Am I wrong, or were fantasy suites reserved for the final week of Bachelor in Paradise during the first season? Are they just trying to level the playing field after Kirk got a hotel room for himself and Carly? Once again, I have so many questions. All I want is Chris Harrison to come on the blog with some answers.

 

#ChrisIsBrutal

Don’t fail me readers. Make that hashtag happen.

The rest of Jade and Tanner’s date was as cute as you’d expect it to be. They promise to form a lasting relationship even after Paradise and even declare themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. The two looked like they were getting ready to leave summer camp and I couldn’t have enjoyed it more.

While Tanner and Jade are being adorable, Nick and Ashley S are getting weird. They finally figured out they couldn’t visit the island and are going to get massages instead. Nick and Ashley S decide to pregame their massages (because I don’t know why) by splitting a fifth of tequila in a hot tub. Shouldn’t this have negated the need for massages? It’s hard for me to imagine anything more muscle-relaxing than chugging tequila while in a hot tub.

Dedicated to the date, the two press on through their massages. They begin with a couples massage before Ashley S decides to try massaging Nick. As she rubs him, Ashley S receives a message from a nearby crow telling her to “Enjoy the fruits of Paradise” as the camera zooms in on Nick’s crotch. Talking animals aside, this show could not be less subtle if it tried. At this rate, ABC might as well replace Chris Harrison with a raccoon and the contestants with porn stars. It’s not that far off from what we’re seeing.

Still, he's not the worst Nick to be on the show.

Later on in their date, while both are blacked out, Ashley S tells Nick that she’s “like his sister.” There has been a lot of tequila involved on this date, so I won't dig too deep into this. But still… yikes.

Ashley S also says that she has much “bigger” chemistry than she ever had with Dan. Is bigger the right unit of measurement for couples' chemistry? I always assumed it was “more chemistry.” Or maybe a “murder of chemistry?” Yeah, that sounds right. A murder of chemistry.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Bachelor in Paradise unless we ended with more chaos surrounding Joe. He reveals that today is his birthday and he wouldn’t want to spend it with anyone other than Samantha. Perhaps overwhelmed by his offer, Samantha leaves to take a shower. Joe then follows her to the shower to ask if she really likes him. This is what you like, right ladies? You all love a complete lack of self-confidence and inability to function in the world without you right? If so, then I’ve got just the guy for you!

How'd you like to see this face staring at you from the bushes?

Later on in the night, Joe sets up his own birthday party (sad) and invites only one person (sadder) who then dumps him within minutes (saddest.) Samantha dumps Joe because she, in her own words, “couldn’t take the drama anymore.” Perhaps Samantha could have taken some of her own advice from earlier in the episode when she said, “Just stop thinking about it” and “I’m having a good time with you, that’s all you should be thinking about.” Instead of listening to herself, Samantha decides to leave Joe staring solemnly into his own birthday cake. That is cold.

While Joe is being dumped on one side of Paradise, Ashley I is being dumped on the other. Jared admits to her that he just doesn't have the same feelings for her that she does for him. Ashley I is also convinced that Jared is still in love with Kaitlyn (even though he never actually said as much) and even calls her to ask what she "did to him?" She then goes on to blame herself for losing Jared, the "perfect guy." This actually bummed me out to watch. Sometimes break ups are just sad.

You and me both, Ashley.

Joe ends the episode furiously ranting to Joshua about Samantha. He says that he will “take her down” by showing their text messages leading up to Paradise and calls her a “bitch” multiple times. I’d call Joe a misogynist for referring to a woman as a bitch, but he’s also called two other guys on Paradise the same name. It seems that Joe isn’t so much a misogynist as he is a colossal asshole.

More fallout from this episode in the next post! Until then.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel