Monday, May 19, 2014

Episode 1: This Is Happening.

Holy shit.

I just spent an hour furiously writing, trying to take notes and keep up with whatever the hell that was. Admittedly I'm a little overwhelmed right now, in part because I've spent roughly four hours writing about The Bachelorette in the last two days, but also because that was an incredibly weird hour of TV. I'm also fairly certain that if I don't write all of this down tonight, I'll either forget everything that happened or die in my sleep. Not sure how I would die in my sleep, but I am sure that I would and that holding onto these thoughts would haunt me in the afterlife.

In any case, my notepad looks like a serial killer's diary so let see if I can decipher this in any meaningful way.

The episode opens on Andi MacDowell talking to her parents, and her dad making some of the most uncomfortable (albeit understandable) faces he could. I really can't blame him. He's about to watch his daughter suck face with some of America's finest. Also, I'll admit I laughed out loud when Andi said "The next time you see me there will be two guys here." You know, cause sex.

Andi also seems to have a weird moment of realization that she has to kiss multiple guys on national television. It's a rare moment of true vulnerability that you don't get often in shows like this, and it is immediately followed up by some bullshit fashion show where I have to pretend to be interested in whatever the hell is happening. There was a severe lack of notes for this part.

Finally the limos start rolling up and holy hell. I was right in my previous post. Marcus if fucking gorgeous. Andi and I both mouthed "wow" at the same time. That dude is just bonkers good looking. Not sure what this business about speaking two languages is though. All he can say is "I speak a little German," and "I don't speak any Polish." That's not how speaking languages works Marcus.

I only speak a little Bullshit, but you've got to step it up Marcus.

A bunch of these guys are hugging her like she's their little sister, which I suppose is understandable considering she's a total stranger. There's going to be some natural awkwardness, but that's boring. Lets talk about whatever the fuck JJ was doing. Dude comes out of a limo dressed like Willy Wonka and declares he is on a "love quest." All that is missing, is a rag soaked in ether and a windowless van.

Then Marquel comes out dressed suspiciously similar to Deon Sanders. It's not a bad look for him, especially since Andi oddly enjoyed his obsession with cookies. But still, it's a grown man who is obsessed with cookies Andi. Think it through.

Tasos comes out and does some cute ass shit with a lock and a fence, which even my cynical heart thought was pretty solid. I really hope that when he gets kicked off she cuts that lock off with bolt cutters though. I'd pay good money to watch that.

Tasos as a name also sounds suspiciously close to Tasso, which I am told is a type of ham (Laura Tolley). He really hammed it up with that entrance.

What else happens? Oh, Mackelmore shows up and pushes a limo up a driveway, which Andi immediately makes fun of him for. How you gonna be so cold Andi? He's just looking for his Ryan Lewis.

I wanna pop the tags to your heart girl.

Steven. You can't BOTH dress like a magician and use the word rad. You deserved to be kicked off. Good luck with that cell phone plan.

Oh Rudie, I've got a lawyer joke for you too. What's worse than two lawyers meeting on The Bachelorette. You are. I'm glad you're gone. You're too small to play on this show.

Jason the lesbian makes a joke that roughly goes, "I'm a doctor and you have a fever because you're hot." Now I know that doesn't sound funny, but the one thing you have to take into consideration is... it just isn't funny. I'm glad you're gone Jason.

Jason realizing that he will be leaving.

Wow. I took three pages of notes on this show. If that isn't the sign of serious mental health problems I don't know what is.

Where was I? Lets see. Right. Dylan strolls out of the car still rocking hair as dumb as his name. He also refuses to stand close to Andi. She's not a horse Dylan. You can approach her like a human being. It's a miracle you made it through the first round.

Oh and for every week you are on the show I am going to find a 90's TV star with your hair and point it out. Hey Dylan, Taran Noah Smith wants his hair back.

Offspring of Tim The Tool Man Taylor

Just as a PSA, if anyone doesn't get that reference get on Youtube and start watching Home Improvement. They have every episode on there, and you'll learn a lot about nothing.

It's too bad Emil got kicked off, because the dude literally said the word "anal" on ABC. It's too bad Andi just isn't into Emil, though I am sure he is very popular in the gay community. Maybe they just needed a little social lubricant to start their conversation off right. I know Emil seems scary at first but I think if Andi gave him a chance she would have grown to love him. You have to go slow when getting to know Emil, but over time lots of people enjoy it. Butts.

Speaking of shoving things up butts, Bradley came out and shoved his own pretentiousness up America's collective butt. I think this may be Sharleen 2.0. If he is I'm going to be pretty  jazzed because I straight up liked Sharleen. Haters to the left.

Brett showed up and gave Andi a lamp he stole from his hotel. Andi choose to keep him around too. That is not a joke. These are the facts. Take note, one guy reading this, peacocking works. Always.

Nick drives up in a golf cart (because he's a golfer! Get it?) to make himself stand out, though I suspect that he actually just missed the limo and hijacked the cart from a nearby course. Somewhere out there a rich white man is having to walk the last six holes of the course. Let us all take a moment of silence.

Mike gets kicked off because he's a piece of shit and I breathe a sigh of relief. Also, was his nickname "camps" or "comps?" I can't read my own handwriting. Discuss. Either way he sucked and I'm glad he's gone.

Also, 10 points to Ravenclaw because Liz pointed out that Andi isn't down with long hair. Perception like that will win you the house cup Lynch. 

All I will say about Eric is that he genuinely seems like an awesome guy. That explorer shit is so cool. No spoilers.

Josh M. drops the "we're neighbors card." Ok. I will be the first to admit, I am not good at talking to cute girls. My freshman year in college I asked a girl where she lived in an attempt to strike up conversation. That is straight up psychopathic behavior. But that was also my freshman year in college. Josh M is fucking 29 and still doing that shit. Tone it down Josh. Proximity does not equal interest.

(For more information on my dating history, speak to Elaine or Katie who can provide you with entirely too much information.)

So here's the highlight of the episode, which I am going to describe as I witnessed it from my point of view because I'm the one writing this. I can't stress enough that you have to see this from the eyes of someone who does not know past seasons of the show at all. 

Some dude in a suit walks up and is apparently a stalker. The producer and security guard (who is awesome and totally deserves his own show) force him to sit in a chair and wait while the host (Chris Hansen?) tells Andi. The security guard is really interested in keeping random dude's flowers, and frankly is doing his job so well that he deserves flowers. Is that too much to ask ABC?

Come to find out this guy is named Chris and used to be on the show. That really doesn't matter though BECAUSE HE IS STILL A STALKER. Fella literally just saw Andi on TV, thought "hot!" and then stayed in LA for a week before crashing her show to try to speak with her. Special thanks to the multitude of people who explained this to me, though I still don't really get what was going on.

Oh, by the way. Andi considers letting him stay for a second. While she ultimately kicks him out, that is still not the correct reaction. The correct reaction is, "Seriously? No! Why would he think that is ok? Call the cops and get me a bodyguard for forever."

God damnit. It's midnight. Do you see what I am doing for you people?

They break off into some group/individual time and "football head" kills it. Andi is so nice that I can't tell who is actually interesting and who she is just placating. She really is the perfect host, because even I am interested in the same guys I was ripping on earlier today.

Except Ron. I could not be less interested in Ron.

I'm down with picking Nick V for the insta-rose, or whatever it is called. He seems genuinely nice. Also, according to the preview package that was run at the end, he develops beef with Mackelmore which can only be hilarious. I admittedly spaced out during the rose ceremony though. I can only take so many concerned looks under dramatic music.

Speaking of, I want this soundtrack to play the next time I am plundering on the high seas. If you think about that during next week's show it will make everything infinitely better.

Ha! This is great. I wrote down, "So many images from this show could be made hilarious by adding the Brazzers logo." If you get that you know the reference. If you don't get that, don't google it. Just ask the nearest guy. I guarantee you he knows what that is.

This is something of a stupid question, but I would actually like an answer to it. How do these people get so invested in what is a literal stranger? I understand in their minds she is something of a celebrity and they have the opportunity to be famous for a bit. But I don't understand why you would get mad to the camera about anything bad that happens. The Sloop Josh B had a total meltdown after being eliminated. Just... why? I really can't wrap my brain around it. Let me know in the comments or on Facebook if you have any idea what is going on.

That Sloop Josh B joke is hilarious.

Gradually Andi becomes more southern throughout the episode, culminating with her saying y'all six times in three minutes. Either she's slightly drunk or so comfortable with this group of guys she is letting her true self shine. My money is on slightly drunk.

Seeing Andi addressing a large group of guys reminds me of the slave trade scene from Taken, only none of these guys have any particular set of skills.

Patrick and Andrew are going to kiss. Mark my words.

Andi drops a legit North/South Korea joke that made me laugh.

That's pretty much all I got for the episode. I'm entertained enough by the guys that will be sticking around, and the upcoming season package looked ridiculous. One thing that jumps out at me is how radically different Andi is from Juan Pablo. Maybe it is because she is a pretty lady and that is distracting me, but Andi legitimately seems like a good person. This is my first legitimate foray into reality TV, but Andi is bucking the expectations that I had. She looks to hold conversations well, be interested in people as opposed to ideas of people, and have an interest in life that extends outside of the show. Now I'm not stupid. This could be editing, acting, or any number of production tricks to get me interested, but that really doesn't matter. Even if it is fake, I'm seeing someone who doesn't register as the stereotype of the reality TV star on reality TV. That is worthwhile on it's own, in a way.

Damn it, I might actually enjoy this.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO Gossip Squirrel

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