Monday, May 26, 2014

Episode 2: The Things We Can't Unsee

Pre-show research:

(If you do not care about baseball or Josh M, skip this.)

Does everyone remember Josh M? You should, he's still on the show. Turns out this guy was the 48th overall pick in the 2002 MLB draft. That's insane. To give a frame of reference, Albert Pujols was drafted in the 13th round, and Anthony Rizzo was drafted in the 6th. Those guys are really good at baseball. This dude was drafted in the 2nd, which is insane. He should not only be making millions of dollars right now, but be all kinds of famous. Instead Josh is now on a reality dating show. He has instantly become the most interesting person, entirely because I want to know what went wrong.

The Brewers drafted Josh behind this fat sack of poop.

And now, back to the show!


I was actually a couple minutes late to the show this week, so I missed the "On this episode of The Bachelorette" segment. I was finishing making a pizza as well as googling Jonathan Lipnicki (the kid from Jerry Magiure) to see what he's been up to, which sounds less like an excuse and more like a fever dream. As a side note, Lipnicki is 100% worth it as a google search. Anyways, all things being equal I think the show is a lot better this way because the surprising things are actually surprising.

The show opens with Andi putting on her makeup (while already in makeup) and talking about how great this group of guys is. On the flip side, back at the house Chris asks the guys what they think of Andi, and someone yells out "Hot." So that's pretty much the level of discourse we can be expecting from a show like this.

Ostensibly every guy on this show.

Also, thankfully Chris just explained this rose process to me because it was confusing me before. From what I can tell there are two date roses, which the guys are either given or they get sent home. Then there's the group date rose, where all of the guys put their heads down on the table. Andi walks around and taps several of the guys, yells "Heads Up, Seven Up!" and then they have to guess who the murderer is. It's really very simple once you give it a shot.

Andi shows up at the house to take Eric on the first solo date. In the time it takes her to walk from the living room with all the guys to her car, half of the cast seems to have lost their shirts. I can only imagine this was some kind of early morning boozing/alpha male based chain reaction, in which the fellas wanted Andi's last visual of them for the day to be them slightly drunk and shirtless next to other slightly drunk and shirtless dudes. Kind of sets up the rest of the episode.

It's called foreshadowing!

Eric is awesome and totally deserves to get this first date. He is interesting as hell, and has some incredible stories about near death situations (that's a real collar tugging statement,) and is good at everything it would seem. Also, Andi burns him hard when he asks where they are, with "This place is called the beach." I think I may love Andi now.

They goof off on the beach for a bit, which includes doing "childish things" like pushing sand into a pile. I don't know just how childish Andi was thinking but it seems to be in the 1-3 year old range. Guys, you have the fine motor skills and dexterity available to do more than just pile sand. Use it. I know that's all you did because the producers would have shown it if you build a sand castle. As it stands, that lump of sand is probably still there to this day. No one wants to touch it for fear of finding a dead body buried underneath.

Looking for a spot to bury that dead beach dog.

Moving on. Snowboarding was cool, but why did ABC not explain who Louie Vito is? The guy has like a hundred gold medals and went to The Olympics this year, and you make him introduce himself with no background? I know snowboarding isn't a sport, but neither is cookie eating and you still spent time delving into that last week. For shame ABC. For shame.

The snowboarding is cute as shit, and the day in general seems awesome, but they've been on a date now for roughly 12 hours. That is entirely too long, especially for not getting any. I hope they at least got to make out on the helicopter ride or something.

Up at the lodge, Andi curls up on the couch and says "Tell me about Syria," which marks the only time that has happened ever. That's not a curl up by the fire conversation Andi. That's more of a "Why do you flinch every time you hear a car door slam" conversation. Nevertheless Eric recounts it awesomely, though hearing him talk about near death situations is a little sad to watch.

I've seen some shit man. I've seen some shit.

Back at the house the guys are shitfaced, which is apparently ok when Andi isn't around. About half of them pick up on the bare vs bear homophone, while the other half weigh their odds against wrestling a bear. Both sides are surprisingly confident about their abilities.

It turns out that the half that isn't illiterate is correct and the guys will be stripping, which is good news for the half that is illiterate. There will be three groups; cowboys, firefighters, and army men. I really hope that last one was included for memorial day.

Sgt. Banana Hammock reporting for duty.

They also get introduced to the strip club owner who says out loud, "Women love fire." I think the guy is confusing women with arsonists, though I am sure there is some overlap. He also keeps mentioning that all the money they raise is going to charity. 10/1 odds that the money will be used for treatment of VD among The Bachelorette contestants. 

Both of these guys are dead.

Craig is infatuated with Josh's body and mentions it several times. Forthcoming events notwithstanding, that's grounds to get kicked off right there. Also, he straight up addresses the camera about how he needs to stuff his jock. Keep that shit to yourself guy. He really is the worst.

It just struck me how weird it is that this show had sexy soldiers immediately following a story about the horrors of war in Syria. 

Thank you for your service you scantily clad heroes

The stripping is honestly pretty uneventful, though I assume that is mostly because you can't show that crap on TV. Can you imagine the outrage if they had made girls strip on The Bachelor? We men really are the oppressed ones. 

Sharleen comes back and I cheered out loud. She's the best. She also remarked on one dude's package, which in true Sharleen fashion was weirdly sexual with nothing interesting to back it up. I don't care what anyone says. Sharleen is my favorite train wreck of a human being to watch.

Post stripping finds the gang back at the house with Andi in a dress that seems at most gravitationally impossible and at least logistically difficult. She looks good, but the camera immediately cuts to Craig's booze soaked face, and I curse quietly to myself. The editors really have no lack of selection of film in which Craig looks like an alcoholic monster. At least he's making their job easy with questions like "what's the worst thing about your parents?" That being said, jumping in the pool with clothes on is dumb, but Andi really treated it like he had just kicked a blind dog or something. Yeah he shouldn't have been so drunk, but fully clothed pool jumping isn't a big deal. At all.

Also, props to whomever was in their swim trunks and took Craig in with them. Way to take the bastard down. And it happened during Ron's date. Finally, something interesting happens within 50 feet of Ron. Fucking Ron.

The rest of the dates were pretty boring. Josh is concerned that Andi will think of him as a dumb jock, which he isn't. He's a failed dumb jock. That means he's dumber than your average ball player. To prove my point, about halfway through their talk he reaches out and grabs Andi's face just like in Face/Off. Also, he just cannot stop sweating.

Meanwhile, Bradley looks like an evil step father and sings in what I think was elvish. Marcus gets the insta-rose. Blah blah blah. Nothing else really happens.

These people are drunken monsters.

Ok, enough with that noise. Lets get into Chris and his horse track date with Andi. I don't know if it's his Charlie Brown sized head or what, but Chris actually can rock the hell out of a bow tie. This is one of the few times I think I dude may have out dressed Andi. Looks pretty fly.

I spent this entire segment hoping Andi would go full Eliza Doolittle at the races, but alas we are left with a lengthy conversation with two octogenarians about their marriage. They were pretty obviously a plant to force conversation and a cute moment, but it did lead to one of my favorite moments of the show. Octogenarian #1 says that love is like horse track betting, you've got to pick a winner. Terrible analogy aside, Andi says "I think I picked a winner," and then looks at Chris. Not acknowledging this, Chris looks at the ground and says "I think I'm a winner." Nope Chris, that is not how mutual compliments work. I know you must have room in that big head to understand this concept. 

After all that, they dance to a band called "This Wild Life" which sounds like a more accessible version of Bon Iver. I'm actually listening to them now and they're cute as hell. Definitely recommended. What is not recommended is dancing like Chris, who is moving like a Jr. High boy mid growth spurt. He sweats like me after five or more minutes of any given physical activity, and then proceeds to make out with Andi hard like me never. 

Their dancing was still more interesting than this movie though.

The rest of the show is just your standard nonsense. Marquel takes it upon himself to wear all of the possible patterns instead of making an effort, Brent makes sock puppets, Nick V word vomits his own insecurities to Andi, and Craig tries to make up for being an idiot, by being an idiot. You know, just your run of the mill things that happen to all of us on dates all the time.

Also, did Andi get some kind of sponsorship deal from the Georgia Tourism Board? She's getting more and more southern as the nights go on. Is she some kind of folksy werewolf who just starts saying "y'all" as the full moon comes up? What's happening?

This is the first thing that comes up when you image search "Southern Werewolf"

Craig and a couple other guys get kicked off to no ones surprise. The only one of the bunch I recognized is Craig and that's because he's a monster. Ron is staying though, and that sucks.

I hate Ron.

Oh, and Dylan is still there. His hair still looks like David Faustino's.

Come on Andi. Don't make me Google 90's TV stars again next week.

That's pretty much the show, and once again a lot of stuff just sort of happened at us. Remember at the end of last week's recap when I said I "might actually enjoy this?" I was either 100% right or 100% wrong about that, and I really don't know which. So much of the show seems like a balancing act between good people doing amazing things and bad people doing human things. Honestly, none of the drama on the show seems particularly noteworthy or special compared to things that happen in most folks day to day lives. Just relax people, we're all going to be fine.

Gossip Squirrel

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