Episode 5: Everyone Is Bad People

I actually understand why this week had two episodes, as there was a whole lot going on between them. Tuesday night's episode picked up right where Monday's left off. Graham had just walked away from AshLee after being offered a rose. I for one was excited that AshLee could potentially be leaving the show not only because I don't like her, but also because her name is a nightmare. Eventually Graham makes his way back and accepts the rose, revealing that he was just suffering from an anxiety attack. This was a significant bummer.

Not to be outdone and making sure AshLee knew exactly what she thought of her, Lacy proceeds to leave the ceremony to puke her guts out. That guts thing could be literally true, as an ambulance had to come pick her up and take her to a hospital. On the way there Marcus says he is "afraid the worst could happen." Dude, she's throwing up. Chill out.

People throw up all the time.

The rest of the ceremony gets back to normal finally, and results in Michelle picking Cody, Sarah picking Robert, and Jackie picking Jesse. That leaves Marquel and Kalon to go home. Marquel I was a little bummed to see go, mostly because he seems so nice. Kalon on the other hand makes a few weird comments about enjoying room service and leaving with the only person he could ever love. Honestly he's becoming a caricature of a real person. Maybe both he and I will get our wishes and Kalon will die alone.

Back at the hospital, Lacy is being worked on by a nurse while Marcus spoons her in the hospital bed. Seriously you two? This poor nurse is probably in the fourteenth hour of an eighteen hour shift and now she has to look after two trust fund idiots who can't stop spooning for two seconds to take her professional medical advice. You're in public you know...

  Just pulling stuff out of people's butts and rehydrating reality TV stars...

In Paradise, a new arrival shows up. Christy Hansen (aka Chris Hansen) immediately asks Zack on a date, hinting at some sort of history the two may have had in the past. Zack says no, because he is already with Clare. Keep that bit of information in mind later in the episode. Instead Christy goes on her date with Jesse and, though she does not seem thrilled at first, the all day booze fest brings the two back to paradise in/full of good spirits. Seriously, they just got day drunk and ate only a little chocolate. No wonder people are dropping like flies on this show.

The next solo date was Sarah and Robert which was one of the most awkward things I have ever seen. It wasn't even the awkward silences or the pleading looks from Sarah hoping that Robert would man up and kiss her. The moment that made me full on face palm was when the two bonked heads Three Stooges style while trying to pick up something off the ground. Come on you two, get it together.

Eventually Robert finally kisses Sarah in what I suspect was supposed to be a redemptive moment, but came across as just being gross and tongue-y. Sarah loved it though, and even goes so far as to say "we couldn't keep our hands off each other."

Your face when you realize the "s" is crossed out in "hands"

Back in Paradise, Zack tells Clare that he is still trying to figure out their relationship and that it is difficult because it feels forced at times. Clare, who claims that she wants no drama, freaks out at this. She will not allow for a man who isn't immediately 100% on board and tells Zack that "either you know or you don't." Aside from the fact that this is flat out wrong, Clare doesn't allow for the possibility of partially knowing something. This is especially disconcerting to me because partial credit was basically the only way I was able to graduate high school.

Distraught, Clare walks off into the jungle to have another conversation with her raccoon friend. Unsurprisingly, the raccoon proves to be about as useful as Zack, even though it doesn't speak English. Frankly at this point I would rather see the raccoon on the show than Zack. It's certainly more personable, plus you can bet the raccoon would be the first to receive a rose every week.

COME ON.

While the rest of the cast is asleep, Clare decides to bolt in the night. With some Wicked Witch of the West music playing in the background, she pulls Zack out of bed to tell him of her decision. Like the idiot that he is, Zack makes no attempt to convince her to stay and instead helps carry her bags to the car. For a brief moment, I actually felt bad for Clare because she has to deal with this idiot. But then she gives a five minute soliloquy about how hard it is to be her and ends with "I just wanted to dance under the stars." So now I hate her.

To fill the absentee Clare's place, Lucy the flowerchild is introduced to Paradise. Within five minutes of being there, Lucy is completely naked and greeting people. The complete failure of eye contact is hilarious to watch, especially when she asks Jesse on a date. Being the bro that he is, he obviously says yes. The two head to Chichen Itza and do some casual exploring as this show is want to do. Lucy actually knows a shitload about Mexico and even speaks pretty good Spanish. Maybe it's because she hasn't been around that long or maybe it's because of how she introduced herself, but I actually really like Lucy.

Fuck you FCC.

There were a ton of dates this episode, holy cow. Michelle and Cody had the next date and god damn Bachelor in Paradise is run by total assholes. Knowing that Cody is moving way to quickly with the relationship, the producers decide to have the two of them take wedding photos. Despite being a bad date idea in general, it is awkward as hell. Cody even says to Michelle that he hopes the pictures will hang on his wall someday. If that didn't freak Michelle out, the next bit certainly did. The show gave her a wedding dress and told the divorced woman to put it on and go take pictures with the giant stranger who is infatuated with her. On the off chance that her constant yells of "this is fake!" didn't tip you off that Michelle hated every minute of this, perhaps her swimming with the dress on did. I hope that thing was expensive and now is ruined, because fuck whoever came up with that idea.

On a significantly less terrible date, Graham and AshLee drive expensive cars around a race track. Although it's not exactly an authentic Mexican experience it still looks like they had fun. I bet the waiver forms for this were insane though. Did they receive any kind of training or was the assumption that a helmet and seatbelt protect you from any and all injuries?

Speaking of helmets. This movie in no way holds up.

Once all the dates are done, Jesse hangs out with Christy back at the house. The two talk for a while and then make out while Lucy gleefully spies on them "Killroy Was Here" style. As the night progresses, all three end up sleeping in the same bed. I have no idea if they actually had a three way, but if they did they are the only ones making "Paradise" live up to its name. Well done you three.

As the rose ceremony proceeds, the choices are pretty unsurprising. Robert picks Sarah, Graham picks AshLee, Cody picks Michelle, Marcus picks Lacy, Zack picks Jackie, and Jesse picks Christy. I was bummed to see Lucy go if for no reason other than the wildcard she would be to a show like this. A naked and sex positive 24 year old like her could only have caused some crazy fun cat fights.

Muhammad Pawli and Sonny Hisston

So I have absolutely had enough of Marcus and Lacy. At this point in the show they're just together and being handsy and annoying me. They really are that couple everyone knows who can't lead lives of their own outside of each other or keep their hands to themselves when in public. It's no longer cute, fun, or interesting. At this point it's just dumb. The show really needs some kind of mechanism to get actual couples off the island. Like if two people give each other roses for four weeks in a row they have to leave the show together. That would give the producers a way to get new blood in the show and boring shit like Marcus and Lacy off.

I know you read this blog ABC. Make it so.

Thanks for reading,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel.