Sunday, May 17, 2015

New Bachelors! (17-25)

Here is the third and final installment of The Bachelorette contestants for this season! The season premier is tomorrow night and I'm really looking forward to it.

Chris Soules 2.0
Joshua isn't my pick to win the season, but he will definitely go far. He's a 31 year old industrial welder from Idaho who clearly seems to be a type similar to Chris Soules. Based on that and the lack of ridiculous answers in his bio, I expect him to last until the final weeks of this show. It will be interesting to see how Britt and Kaitlyn react to seeing another good looking blue-collar worker from rural America. I'm really hoping that one of the bachelorettes calls him "Chris" at some point if for no other reason than to revel in the awkwardness.

A very boring person.
Justin is fine. He is a fitness trainer from the Chicago suburbs which means that as a downstate, Illinois resident, I am predisposed to not trust him. Seriously Chicago, you are the worst. No one wants to hear about how wonderful your city is or shit talking about indistinguishable suburbs. Just learn to hate your hometown like the rest of us, only visit on holidays, and get on with your life. Why can't you just be miserable like the rest of us?

Oh. Justin is pretty boring too.

Occupation: Jumped on by plumbers
I do not believe that Kupah is this guy's real name. This is in part due to his name (and physical appearance) being the same as that of an 80s video game villain, but also because I googled it. Apparently Kupah is actually the stage name of James Cooper, a DJ from Boston. Thanks, internet! Now I know this guy shares a name with the turtle people from Super Mario Bros. and the author of Last of the Mohicans. There aren't many of you who will immediately get both of those references, but for those who do, congratulations. We are now friends.

"Accidental" dick pics.
Ryan B
Ryan B is a realtor from Wellington, Florida. For having the appearance of a stereotypical Bachelorette contestant (read: handsome) Ryan B sure has some odd answers on his profile. He lists the most outrageous thing he has ever done as biking "from Florida to California for a dog rescue." That must have been one special dog for Ryan to bike cross country. Were there no dogs available for rescue in Florida? Why couldn't he fly to California? Did he put the dog in the basket and ride back to Florida like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz? I just have so many questions about this.

His most embarrassing moment was accidentally tweeting a picture he meant to send to his girlfriend, which I am sure was an Anthony Weiner's weiner situation. As a quick PSA to anyone reading this: if you are going to send pictures of your junk to someone don't use Twitter. Just text them like an adult.

The villain in every romantic comedy
Ryan M
I hope to all that is good in the world that Ryan M has a long run on The Bachelorette, and not just because he looks like a beefy version of the Joker. Ryan M lists his occupation as "Junkyard Specialist." I'm not sure if that means he is the token white member of Fat Albert's crew, or he is simply a 1920s hobo, but I am really looking forward to finding out exactly what the fuck he does. Also, I'd like to see him scrap the mansion for parts.

The same as everyone else.
Shawn B
Shawn B is a white man, personal trainer, and shares a name with another contestant. I could post this for almost half of the bios from this season and it would be equally valid. What are the producers of this show doing? Is this a ploy to drive two grown women insane? I refuse to believe that so many similarly named personal trainers were chosen for this show by happenstance. Tomorrow night is going to be confusing enough for Britt and Kaitlyn without having to remember 25 guys who share four names between them.

Amateur human being.
Shawn E
This adult man wearing a necklace is Shawn E. There is a lot I could say about Shawn E, but I'll skip right to the important stuff. Shawn E lists his occupation as "Amateur Sex Coach." Let that sink in. Take a moment to really absorb the lunacy of that as a job title.

Sheer ridiculousness aside, you really can't have an occupation that includes the word "amateur" in the title and still call it an occupation, can you? The literal definition of the word means that if you are an amateur, you're not getting paid for it, and thus it isn't your job. The only way your job title can be "Amateur Sex Coach" is if you are coaching amateurs, in which case I don't even want to think about what a creep this guy is. Anyone who teaches sex to virgins should have their basement freezers routinely checked for severed heads.

Shawn E also says the meaning of marriage is "Never giving up and remembering why you fell in love. I will not be a statistic!" It worries me that his definition of marriage includes a veiled reference to divorce. No one should be that scared about a potential outcome unless they were receiving amateur sex coaching from Sean E.

I would be shocked if he lasted more than a week.

Aggressively decent
Tanner, or "grown up Eddie Munster" as I like to think of him, is actually pretty cool. His answers are a little cliche, but still better than anyone else I've seen. Tanner likes dates who maintain eye contact and hold a conversation and dislikes when dates get too drunk. He also lists his most outrageous moment as "trying out for The Bachelorette." I'm calling it now. Tanner will be in the final four.

 The Last Chimp on Earth
Tony looks like a cross between Will Forte and a chimpanzee. Get ready too, because that is the nicest thing I have to say about Tony. Most obnoxiously, he lists his occupation as "healer." I'm sure this is some holistic ridiculousness, because no self respecting doctor would ever refer to themselves as a healer. No self respecting anyone would ever call themselves a healer, unless they were playing Dungeons and Dragons. Actually that isn't entirely true, because healers are even lame in D&D. No one wants to be a healer. You want to be a Barbarian Orc, or a Halfling Wizard, or an Elven Ranger. Healers are the Chris Kirkpatrick of Dungeons and Dragons. Sure, you are a part of something cool, but you're ancillary to the main show and everyone knows it.

Clearly, I have played a lot of D&D in my day.

I actually hope that Tony is just an avid fan of role playing games, and not a practitioner of faith healing, spiritual healing, or holistic medicine. At least if he were playing games he would be able to distinguish fantasy from reality.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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