Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The New Bachelors! (9-16)

Welcome back for round two of the new bachelors! No long intros, lets get into it.

Not sure I trust a "fashion designer" who dresses like Gordon Gekko.
Daniel is a 28 year old fashion designer who is simply defying me to like him. On one hand he lists the most romantic present he ever received as support and love, saying "Buying stuff is easy." On the other hand, he would want to be the Prince of Monaco for just one day "because he has a baller life." Those two thoughts are so mutually incompatable, it's hard to imagine them coming from the same person. He seems like the kind of guy who thinks the moral of O Henry short stories is "people wouldn't have to buy each other shitty presents if they already had cool shit." I can't fault that either. It is technically true.

Daniel also claims to have once biked from Virginia to Oregon, which I would be more inclined to believe if he wasn't wearing that shirt. No man in history has ever undertaken such a physically and mentally grueling trek through nature, only to come to the conclusion that everyone in the movie Wall Street had style worth imitating.

Pictured: Man
David is just sort of a guy. There's nothing particularly interesting about him one way or another. He's a real estate agent from Florida who loves movies like 300, Fight Club, and Inception. David is also passionate about his family and work, both of which he mentions in his profile. If I had to guess, he will either win the entire competition or be voted off on the first night.

Ian is more interesting than David, though not by much. A 28 year old executive recruiter from Los Angeles, Ian appreciates honesty, craftsmanship, and (for some incomprehensible reason) Richard Branson. He also says that if he could get lunch with any one person it would be Jimmy Kimmel. Personally, I really like Jimmy Kimmel, but this is a weird choice. Kimmel isn't even the most interesting person in his time slot, much less in the world. Ian either needs to dream a little bigger, or realize there is a world outside of ABC television personalities.

This is Jared, a 26 year old restaurant manager from Warwick, Rhode Island. He thinks marriage means "sharing my life with the person I love most until the day I die." I'm not sure how much Jared has actually thought about this definition, because there is at least a 50% chance that the person he loves most won't be around on the day that he dies. Not to get too morbid or anything, these are just the facts.

JJ is a former investment banker from Denver who once won $20,000 betting on college football. Normally I would make fun of the fact that his occupation includes the word "former" in the title, but in this case it makes sense. No investment banker with any concept of what constitutes a decent investment would ever openly brag about winning money betting on college sports. Gambling in general is one of the dumbest ways a person can lose money, short of burning it. JJ was either a terrible investment banker, or has a serious gambling addiction.

Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius
This is Jimmy Neutron, a boy genius from Retroville. He is 11 years old, loves science, and spends most of his free time inventing gadgets. More often than not, his inventions go horribly awry and Jimmy is forced to save Retroville from destruction. Jimmy lists his greatest achievement as never having caused the destruction of his suburban home and is excited to spend time with both bachelorettes.

Also I think this guy's name is actually Joe or something.

Jonathan (or Black Jimmy Neutron) is an automotive spokesperson from Detroit. As was the case in my previous post, Jonathan is a guy who should not be answering the question "which superhero would you be?" Of course, Jonathan picks the worst superhero (Superman) and then promptly misunderstands everything about him, saying "he is good at everything and doesn't need the reward for helping people. That's why he turns back into Clark Kent." First off, Superman is more complex than just being "good at everything." He is an alien living on this planet, struggling with morality and the difficulty of remaining a beacon of hope in a bleak world. Second, Clark Kent isn't a disguise to avoid compensation. Clark Kent is the actual person raised from a young age by adoptive parents who discovers his abilities and becomes superman. If anything, his maintaining of the Clark Kent persona allows him to have some semblance of a life outside of crime fighting.

Of course, no one really needs to know any of that, but if Jonathan is going to make stupid claims, I might as well be there to call bullshit.

This slowly rotting Jack-o-Lantern is Josh, a law student/exotic dancer from Chicago. Where do I even begin? Josh calls himself a law student/exotic dancer, but also says that his greatest accomplishment to date was graduating from law school. Assuming he's not just a liar that makes Josh less of a law student/exotic dancer, and more of an exotic dancer with a law degree.

I am sure that if I dug deep into the recesses of my very being I could come up with a more depressing description of a person than "exotic dancer with a law degree." There are plenty of depressing ways to describe an individual, like "starving" or "war-torn" or "Mens' Rights Advocate." Not one of them even approaches, however, the misery and squandered potential of "exotic dancer with a law degree." For that we salute you Josh.

I'm also willing to bet that he half-asses a strip tease and gets kicked off on the first night. Here's hoping anyways.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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