Monday, May 11, 2015

The New Bachelors! (1-8)

The new Bachelors are here! The new Bachelors are here! Are you kidding? I'm writing about them right here in this blog! Millions of people read about The Bachelor every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - my words in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.

If you've seen The Jerk, you probably really enjoyed that opener. If not, I suggest you stop what you're doing and go watch it right now. Steve Martin says the N-word and a little kid wears a shirt emblazoned across the front with the words "BULL SHIT." It really is a quality film.

The 70s were a different time.

It's true, mostly ladies and a few gentlemen. The new Bachelorette contestants were announced today, and as expected, they really run the gamut from affable white guys to affable light skinned black guys. When I first started writing This Is Brutal, the white washing of contestants seemed worth commenting on. But after three seasons of Bachelor-related idiocy, I'm too burned out to give a shit. The Bachelor shows are like your racist grandma: it doesn't matter how much you tell them to stop being racist, being racist is just what they do. You've just got to suck it up and keep loving them anyway.

With that depressing bit of reality in mind, lets have a look at the guys.

Deceptively creepy.
Ben H

This is Ben, a 26 year old software salesman from Denver. Ben is a human disaster. When asked what marriage means to him, Ben wrote "It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about a commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment." I'm not sure what has happened to Ben in his past to give him such a bleak outlook on marriage, but it must have been dark, because this is the most depressing thing I have ever read. I had always assumed marriage was a partnership between two people in love, but Ben seems to view it as more akin to indentured servitude. He makes it sound like having to listen to your partner describe their day is a sacrifice on the scale of martyrdom.

Ben also describes his ultimate date as "Hiking back to a quiet place in the woods where we can be alone, but also in nature outside of the normal dating activities." First off, and I have to say this, hiking to "a quiet place in the woods" and specifying that you're "also in nature" is redundant and just plain bad writing. Second, this man's perfect date sounds like the beginning of a Law and Order: SVU episode. Hey Ben, do you know what would be "outside of the normal dating activities?" A grizzly murder in the woods.

The last thing I'll say about Ben is that if he could be any superhero he would be Batman because he "has an awesome man-cave to hang out with his friends in." You asshole. It's not a man-cave, it's The Batcave. Also, Batman doesn't have any friends because he's too busy protecting Gotham from creeps like you. Even if he did have friends, do you really think he would just bring them by to hang out in his crime fighting lair? No. He wouldn't. Batman has to maintain his secrecy, otherwise he's just a vigilante millionaire with an affinity for capes and bat based gadgetry. Did you even think before writing down these answers?

As Bens go, he's the best.
Ben Z

Ben Z is clearly the superior Ben. There's nothing particularly interesting about him, but compared to his similarly named counterpart, Ben Z is a stud. He is a fitness coach from San Jose who seems relatively well spoken and loves his mom. For some reason, his favorite movie is Gone in 60 Seconds, which shouldn't even be a favorite Nicolas Cage movie, much less an favorite movie of all time. Other than that, this Ben seems like a fairly normal guy. It will be interesting to see how he holds up on TV.

In case you were wondering, the best Nicolas Cage movie is Con-Air. That is the only correct answer.

I predict he will match Tom Brady in touchdowns over the first four games of the season.

This youth pastor looking goon is Bradley. He's a former All-American tennis star who now works as an "International Auto Shipper." If Bradley could be one person for a day he would be Tom Brady so he could "get a taste of what a primetime football game would be like." Thanks to Brady's suspension for cheating, we can all get the Tom Brady experience for four weeks this season just by watching the Patriots from the sidelines and hating all of your life decisions that lead you to this point. Congratulations Bradley! You're just like the pros!

ABC even tried to dress him like a singer-songwriter.

Brady is a singer-songwriter from Nashville, and looks like a disappointing mix of Bradley Cooper and Jimmy Fallon. His biggest first date fear is "explosive diarrhea" which is quickly becoming a stock answer for contestants on this show. While shitting your pants is a valid fear to be sure, entirely too many people are using it as an answer. If The Bachelor(ette) surveys are to be believed, 1/10 Americans has shit their pants while on a date in their lifetime. Are that many people going on first dates at Hardees to make this a constant threat?

Bradley, like most singer-songwriters who will never be famous for their music, says he admires Chris Martin more than any other artist. You can post your angry comments about that sentiment below, but in all honestly, I probably won't read them.

You got some 'splainin to do!

Despite looking like a young Ricky Ricardo, Chris is actually pretty interesting. He's a 28 year old dentist from Nashville and his biggest first date fear is his date "trying to eat my food." Don't ask me why this is classified as a fear, or why Chris is so protective of his food, but he definitely has piqued my interest. He also describes clubs as being "for attractive young women and unattractive old men." If it weren't for my terrible prediction of Kelsey being a good person last season, I would go ahead and pick Chris as my favorite contestant right now. We'll have to wait and see, but so far I've got a good feeling about this guy.

Chuck Norris, AM I RIGHT?!

Clint is an architectural engineer from Chicago, and also incredibly boring. His biggest first date fear is "saying too much or coming on strong." Clint has apparently tried to counteract this fear by saying nothing of substance in his interview. He admires his dad, considers himself a romantic, and would like to be Chuck Norris for one day, which would make him pretty funny if this were 2006. As it stands, I would be shocked if Clint was on the show for more than a week.

Hi, I'm slightly off Rob Lowe.

Much like Ben Z, Corey with an "e" is the lesser of two similarly named evils, as you will see in the next profile. He does call the Dalai Lama "an enlightened cat" and gives an impossibly convoluted explanation of his ideal superpower, but even so he is still better that Cory. Oh screw it, I can't wait any longer...

This slightly surprised looking goof is Cory, a 35 year old residential developer from Pearland, Texas. Cory's biggest first date fear would be "finding out my date's really a dude." I'm not sure why Cory considers this his biggest first date fear, unless he has an underlying phobia of other people's penises. He also doesn't need to be too worried about this, because no one with a penis would even consider fucking him after reading an asshole statement like that.

Cory also describes marriage as "having someone to share life with for the rest of our lives." Not only is this terribly written, but it's also so vague that it could define literally anything from a wife to his dog. Just make sure it's a female dog though. Cory's biggest pet owning fear is finding out that his dog is a dude.

Finally, if Cory could be someone else for just one day, he would choose to be his younger self. Why? Is his life so bleak and joyless that he can only find happiness in the days of his youth? Is he really that self-centered that the only person in the world he can conceive of living as is himself? At the very least, shouldn't he want to live as his future self so he can see what happens in his life? If I could make Cory live as another person for one day, it would be his hypothetical transgendered date so he can see what an asshole he is.

That's all for this installment. Since the list of contestants only went up a week before the premiere there will be three posts this week. Get ready. The guys only get better going forward.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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