Monday, June 8, 2015

Episode 5: That Was Not Un-fun

Before we dive into the surprisingly enjoyable two hours that was this week's episode of The Bachelorette, I'd like to thank RES for her guest post last week. If you haven't had a chance to read it yet, I highly recommend that you do, if for no other reason than the opportunity to see me called out on my self-imposed lack of Bachelor Universe knowledge.

Basically how I watch The Bachelorette

As has been the exhaustive trend this season, tonight's episode of The Bachelorette opens mid-cocktail date. Kaitlyn had just confronted self-proclaimed villain Clint, who was simultaneously trying to win back her affection and maintain the hilarious joke that he and JJ might be gay. Resolute in her decision, Kaitlyn asks Clint to leave after saying goodbye to the other contestants. Why he was afforded this opportunity which no other contest has ever been allowed is beyond me, but it did allow JJ the chance to betray Clint by publicly asking for an apology. The two end up having a profanity-laden discussion reminiscing on the depth of the relationship before Clint finally leaves JJ, and the show, with the immortal final words "that tie goes really well with your shirt."
Smelling blood in the water, the remaining contestants descend on an emotionally devastated JJ, berating him for both being an asshole, and being an asshole to an asshole. Apparently being an asshole to an asshole is ok as long as you weren't already an asshole to begin with. If an individual was an asshole to begin with, it is acceptable to be an asshole to the asshole of assholes, pending said asshole's status among other assholes. The politics of assholery are a complicated issue to be sure.

In one of her seemingly random instances of authoritative control, Kaitlyn decides that due to Clint's aforementioned behavior, there will be no rose ceremony tonight. Instead the group will, as Chris Harrison so ominously put it, "leave the house forever" and head for New York City. I can't explain why he felt the need to enforce the finality of their departure. For a brief moment, I honestly believed Chris Harrison was threatening fourteen grown men with some sinister living situation. He really is the Jigsaw of this show, slowly picking off individuals through a series of increasingly extravagant situations, while simultaneously narrating the entire event through a TV. Don't be surprised if the season ends with Ben Z and Nick locked in a room together with nothing but a rusty hacksaw.

Actually less unnerving than Chris Harrison

Continuing the trend of competition-based group dates, Kaitlyn takes eight guys to meet Doug E Fresh and participate in a "rap battle." I place the words "rap battle" in quotes, because I have never seen a battle of any kind that required so little of its participants. In total, the guys were allowed several hours to prepare between two and four lines of material. These lines could be rapped over a beat, or, as most contestants chose to do, mumbled into a microphone with total disregard for both the beat and the audience of white wine drinking moms cheering for them. As much as I would like to single out one performance as being the best or worst, it cannot be done. Each contestant was like a terrible snowflake, equally awful in their own, special way.

After the rap battle, Kaitlyn meets Ashley I and Nick V from the previous seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, respectively. Kaitlyn and Nick hit it off, having had several online conversations leading up to her time on the show. Several minutes of flirtatious conversation later, and Kaitlyn is seriously considering allowing Nick to join the show.


For some unspecified and unrelated reason, the group date reconvenes on a boat. No one should have a date that involves rap battles and boat shoes, unless they are Donald Glover. Regardless, Kaitlyn tells the guys about her conversation with Nick. Reactions range from anger at the potential addition of another competitor, to disbelief, to a delusional high roading of the rest by Justin, who is surprisingly confident in his four week relationship with Kaitlyn and thirteen other guys. Overwhelmed by the situation, Kaitlyn leaves the boat to meet Nick and make out. I would like to say that there was more to the interaction than this, but that would be a lie. The two agree to meet again tomorrow to discuss Nick's future and Kaitlyn returns to the boat where Justin receives a rose for his placation.

Prior to meeting with Nick, Kaitlyn meets with fellow Bachelor contestant Ashley S to discuss the situation. Ashley S, for once portrayed as a sane human and not comic relief, astutely pointed out that Kaitlyn's feelings were lust, not love. She's right, too. In the most High Fidelity sense of the situation, Kaitlyn does seem to disregard the relationships she has worked for in pursuit of a new and exciting relationship with someone she idolizes. It was an important point that Kaitlyn took under advisement...
... at least until she saw Nick again. Then she shit all over the advice and asked him to come on the show.

This movie is like The Bachelorette in a lot of ways.

After her meeting with Nick, Kaitlyn has a one on one date with Jared, who proved every mom in America right by looking significantly more handsome with his hair combed. He and Kaitlyn peruse The Met, before sitting down to a candlelit dinner. Throughout the dinner, Kaitlyn is distracted by thoughts of Nick. Jared tries to reassure her by saying "this entire experience is all about you" and that nothing with Nick will change the way he feels. He says this both metaphorically and literally in her shadow, as both his statements and lighting on this date were poorly thought out at best.

The date ends, in a sickeningly adorable fashion, with Jared reading Kaitlyn some original poetry and the pair taking a helicopter tour of New York City. I missed the end of this date, as the overdose of cuteness left me passed out on the floor with blood running from my nose.

It's like this x 1,000.

The show moved to a Broadway production of Aladdin for its final group date, where the guys would sing and dance to try and earn a part as a walk-on in the show. Joe describes his lack of singing and dancing ability as "the two worst things I could be at," completely forgetting that he can't speak coherently either.

Joe's performance wasn't good, including forgetting ALL of the words to A Whole New World, but it wasn't necessarily worse than the rest. To date, the contestants have proved themselves to be bad at stand-up comedy, singing, rapping, and dancing. The closest thing we have seen to cultivated talent on a date is Ben Z pummeling others to the point of concussion in a boxing ring. I'm getting the feeling that The Bachelor's talent pool is starting to thin out a bit.

Chris, who conveniently already looks like a Disney prince, won the challenge. I assume this is also because he fit a pre-existing costume and wardrobe didn't want to make a completely new outfit for one night. In keeping with theatre traditions, Joshua and Joe sit in the back of the theatre watching rehearsal and shit-talking Chris. If you've spent any time in a theatre, you've either done this, or had this done to you.

It happens in every theare.

After their performance, Chris and Kaitlyn walk around the city before she presents him with a date rose. While this is going on, Nick arrives at the hotel suite to meet the other guys for the first time, as the episode fades out.

I absolutely understand why so many of the guys are nervous about Nick joining the show. He has the advantage of having gone through this process before, but more importantly, Nick has already had substantial one on one time with Kaitlyn. Even if that one on one time was through email and text, they still know each other much better than any of the other contestants did when they arrived on the show. I, for one, like Nick and am looking forward to seeing him on the show.

But this is a shitty move, even by The Bachelorette's standards.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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