Monday, June 15, 2015

Episode 6: Everyone Hates Nick

In keeping with the new tradition of ignoring any potential consistency or structure, this week's episode of The Bachelorette opens with Nick meeting the rest of the guys for the first time. As he puts it "I'm not here to start drama," which he may believe, but is almost certainly the literal reason he was brought onto the show. Nick is grilled about his intentions by the guys in a Dragnet style interrogation. This somewhat hilariously culminated in Josh asking if Nick thought that Kaitlyn was a "cool chick or an amazing woman." Apparently, to Josh, these two are mutually exclusive because he pursued this line of questioning as if Nick had revealed he knew where a body was buried.

Unable to roust Nick from his newfound role, the show moves to Citi Field for the cocktail party/rose ceremony. Citi Field is the home of the New York Mets, which begs the question "Why Citi Field?" Why not Yankee Stadium, the Barclays Center, or literally anywhere else in the city? New Yorkers don't even care about the Mets. They're like Hope Solo or Juan Pablo Galavis; you can't think about either without being reminded of a lot of shit.

She's the Ray Rice of soccer.

In fact, the contestants cared so little about being at Citi Field that only JJ bothered to venture outside of their box suite. He and Kaitlyn ran the bases, eventually stepping on home, which is something most Mets players don't even get to do. What's more impressive, this cheesy stunt only resulted in one eye rollingly bad pun. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm starting to like JJ again. He's the Prince Hal of this season to be sure.

Throughout the night, the guys talk about how much they hate Nick.

The rose ceremony takes place on the field in what must have been sub freezing temperatures. Kaitlyn was the only person allowed to have a coat, leaving the rest of the guys visibly shivering while trying to pretend this wasn't the most obnoxious thing the show's producers had asked them to do. After much deliberating and unnecessary frostbite, Corey, Jonathan, and Ryan B were all sent home. Well... they weren't so much sent home as they walked into centerfield, never to be seen again.

Sound familiar?

The Bachelorette, like the NAACP, lost another black person this week. 

Before we continue on with the show, I saw two commercials for the revival of Battlebots and could not be more excited. There's nothing more to add on that topic. I just wanted you to know.

Back to The Bachelorette, which moves to San Antonio for the remainder of the week. Ben H gets the first solo date. He and Kaitlyn enter a two step dance competition, which was cute, but largely uninteresting. The pair two stepped (which I am convinced is the dance equivalent of finger painting) for a short time before being eliminated. While both Kaitlyn and Ben H had fun on the date, no one had more fun than the whiskey soaked grandmother who danced and prattled on about the qualities of a good two stepper. Honestly, I couldn't focus on anything beyond how adorable she was.

Throughout the date, the guys talk about how much they hate Nick.

Kaitlyn and Ben H's date ends with dinner and forced conversation. Kaitlyn practically forces Ben H to talk about his previous relationship, which turns out to be as boring as you would expect. Hearing about other people's relationships is almost impressively boring. Kaitlyn is somehow not lulled to sleep, however, and gives Ben H a rose. Before leaving, she says "He's exactly who I want to be with in this moment." Yeah. Exactly, Kaitlyn. That's the problem with this show. Nothing extends beyond "this moment." You people are like goldfish.

That's not what I meant. Pay attention!

Up next was the group date, which was all around terrible. Each of the guys was dressed up like The Three Amigos and forced to write/perform a Mariachi song about their time on The Bachelorette. I say "forced," because no one looked particularly interested in appropriating Mexican culture on this level, much less singing in public. It couldn't have helped that they were introduced to the challenge by a 12 year old boy who sang to Kaitlyn before declaring "I have stolen her heart. It is up to you to win it back." Can this kid be the next bachelor? Please?

The guys break off to start writing songs, while listening to Mariachi music on CDs. CDs? Really, ABC? This year starts with a "2" and you're using CDs? Man, this show is getting really low budget.

The performances are as bad, if not worse, than you would expect. Justin includes the phrase "mamma mia" in his song, which is Italian and not Spanish. JJ attempts to play the guitar and sing at the same time, but immediately fails at both. Ian forgets the words to his song AS HE IS READING THEM. The closest thing to a good performance was Nick, who serenaded/yelled lyrics at Kaitlyn on a balcony. This pissed off the rest of the guys, presumably because it was Nick's idea and not theirs.

Truly, they are all El Guapo.

Throughout his singing, the guys talk about how much they hate Nick.

After publicly humiliating themselves on yet another group date, the men move to a ranch to spend time with Kaitlyn. Josh offers to let Kaitlyn cut his hair under the pretense of building trust. Kaitlyn immediately shaves half of his head before her clippers die and Josh is left lopsided. That's the equivalent of dropping someone during a trust fall. Josh is mocked by both Kaitlyn and the guys for this dumb idea. Joe even does a spit-take after seeing it. I knew I liked him.

Not yet done making an ass of himself, Josh takes his asymmetrical head back to Kaitlyn to make sure she knows how much everyone hates Nick. Kaitlyn takes this very seriously (despite his hair) and confronts the group with her newfound information. However, like our Lord in the garden, Josh is denied three times by his compatriots. The date ends with him staring daggers at Nick, who is awarded the rose.

Before the cock crows three times, you will admit to not hating Nick V.

The final date of the evening is Shawn B's. He and Kaitlyn go kayaking, which was cute but boring. Shawn talks about his near death car accident while Kaitlyn gushes over his openness. Once you move beyond his handsomeness (which I am not discounting in any way) Shawn B is boring as shit. His droning monotone managed to make a harrowing escape from death sound like C-Span programming. Shawn ends the date by telling Kaitlyn he is falling in love with her. At least I think he did. It was hard to focus on the white noise that is his voice.

Throughout his date, Shawn also talks about how much he hates Nick.

OK, let's actually address this. Why does everyone hate Nick? I get that he showed up late to the show, but outside of that he has done nothing remotely irritating. If anything Kaitlyn should be the one with whom the guys are angry. She's the one who actually allowed him to stay and compete. Hating Nick for being on the show is like hating Nicolas Cage for making movies. It's not his fault someone else keeps letting this happen.

This happened and you let it happen.

The final rose ceremony begins with an introduction from villain of the week, Ian. Previously a "nice guy," Ian says that he can not understand why Kaitlyn is not more interested in him. He is a "Princeton graduate, former model, who defied death" and wants to be recognized as such. Ian uses this self-aggrandizing moment to make his pitch for becoming the next Bachelor, which seems contrived at best, and delusional at worst. During this heavily edited rant, Ian declares that his next interaction with Kaitlyn will be his Alamo. Literally. "The Alamo is where they made their last stand. San Antonio is where I make my last stand." Setting aside the fact that Ian clearly has no idea who the "they" is in that sentence, The Battle of The Alamo was an absolute massacre. Everyone holding out inside the fort died at the hands of Santa Anna's men. Either Ian did not realize this, or he has resigned himself to the personal massacre that is to follow.

This show has had four villains in as many weeks. JJ, Clint, Nick, and now Ian have all proven themselves to be assholes on consecutive weeks, leaving no room for me to really develop a strong hatred for any one in particular. Oh how I pine for the days of Kelsey and Juan Pablo, consistent villains who could be counted upon to be true assholes worthy of derision.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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