Tonight's episode opens with the climax of Nick and Shawn's big fight. Like sex with Sting, this entire season has felt like a slow, tantric build to a confrontation of some significance between the two. So it was quite a disappointment when the culmination of weeks of animosity resulted in a brief shouting match and a lot of blank stares. I assume this also is like sex with Sting.
The first date of the night was Ben. He and Kaitlyn rode horses through County Galway, where Kaitlyn said "I claim to be such a country girl, but I've never even ridden a horse." I'm sorry, what? Since when has Kaitlyn claimed to be a "country girl?" She's a dance instructor from Canada who likes rap music. That's about as "country" as a college education or regular showering.
Behold. Your "country" God.
Kaitlyn and Ben dismount to find a field of donkeys. You read that right. While horseback riding in the Irish countryside, the couple found and fed a herd of donkeys. Kaitlyn probably hadn’t seen that many cute asses in one place since the show’s opening night.
Once the aforementioned jackassery ends, the couple sits down to a picnic in front of a 19th century castle. Ben confesses his love for Kaitlyn who responds by saying “That’s nice.” Kaitlyn, like myself, was apparently also disinterested in Ben.
Next, Kaitlyn and Ben had dinner inside said castle. Kaitlyn remarks that there must be “over 200 years of love in this castle.” I suppose that could be true. However, given that the castle is in Ireland, it is more likely filled with the ghosts of tortured Protestants.
"Booooo! I don't recognize the authority of the Papacy! Booooo!"
The next morning we see Ben leaving Kaitlyn’s room. She tells the camera that they “only got about half an hour of sleep,” because you can’t say “we fucked for hours” on network TV. You know, in case any kids were watching. We wouldn’t want children hearing dirty words on a show where grown men and women forgo their dignity to find a partner and validate their lives. That might damage their perception of the world.
Shawn’s date was next. He and Kaitlyn go golfing: an activity so boring that people watch it to fall asleep on Sunday afternoons. How boring is golf, you ask? It’s so boring that Kaitlyn had to save the segment by daring Shawn to strip naked for a hole. That being said, the stunt worked and Shawn was interesting, if only for a few minutes.
It's easy to streak when you look like Shawn. This guy is brave.
Later at dinner, Kaitlyn questions Shawn about why he hates Nick so much. For what must be the hundredth time, Shawn says “Nick isn’t there for the right reasons,” “I don’t trust him,” and “he’s an asshole.” If you haven’t realized it yet, Shawn has the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old boy. Though, to be fair to 16-year-old boys, Shawn is a lot more annoying.
After leaving the next morning, Shawn is confronted by Nick. After being berated by Shawn earlier in the week, Nick wants a chance to speak his mind. However, he is barely a full sentence in before Shawn calls him an “asshole” and starts yelling over him. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take. Watching the same pointless argument for weeks at a time is boring and feels like watching a presidential debate. Both contestants are assholes and in the end it really doesn’t matter who wins.
The final rose ceremony of the season is next, and (unsurprisingly) Ben is sent home. I’d like to feel bad about Ben leaving, but seeing as how I really know nothing about him, it’s hard. I know that Ben is nice, was on The Bachelorette, and is probably the next bachelor, but beyond that not much else. Honestly, the only reason I wanted him to stick around was to avoid hearing any more Shawn and Nick bullshit. No such luck.
They're fighting. Again.
Because this show is completely devoid of any structure, the last hour is devoted to Kaitlyn meeting Nick and Shawn’s families. Everyone leaves Ireland (which is barely mentioned) and travels to Utah for some inexplicable reason. Nick’s family was first, and clearly did not want to be there. Between the awkward silences and Nick’s youngest sister bursting into tears before he even showed up, this looked more like an episode of Intervention than it did The Bachelor.
Once they met her, however, Nick’s family overwhelmingly approved of Kaitlyn. His mother especially liked Kaitlyn, even after Nick told her that Kaitlyn was “good at making out.” Or for all I know that was the reason she liked Kaitlyn. Maybe this is some reverse Oedipal situation where the mom wants to be heavily involved in her son’s sex life?
Shawn’s family also got a chance to meet Kaitlyn and was supportive for the most part. His sisters take an immediate liking to her, even telling Shawn as much. Shawn’s dad on the other hand is less supportive, asking “What the hell is going on? This is nuts.” Finally. After over twenty hours of watching this season of The Bachelorette, someone I can relate to. I’m planning to start a petition for Shawn’s dad to be the next Bachelor.
The episode ends with Kaitlyn saying that she really cares for both men, and doesn’t know who she will pick. Good news Kaitlyn! You’re in Utah right now, a state run by a religious organization known for supporting polygamy. You can pick both! One woman marrying two men is what you call a Utah Progressive.
Men tell all is next week. Here’s hoping for some high quality drama.
I'll see you next time,
I'll see you next time,