Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Episode 9: What Do I Do Now?

Before we begin, I have a personal recommendation. Watch Battlebots on ABC. Do it. If you like spectacle on a grandiose scale featuring heartless beings attacking each other for no discernable reason (and I know you do because you watch The Bachelorette) then you'll love Battlebots.

The episode begins in Killarney where Ben H receives the first date card. Outside of Ben H's rambling confession of love last week, I really know nothing about him beyond the fact that he really looks like Colin Hanks. Apparently this is all we need to know, however, because this date is happening whether you like it or not.

So. Much. Alike.

Ben and Kaitlyn take a row boat to a nearby island for their date. Kaitlyn describes her logic in planning the date saying, "It's important to show the guys all sides of myself, I'm not always bubbly/happy Kaitlyn." I'm not sure why she thinks row boats imply seriousness. Row boats haven't been a serious topic of discussion since the Titanic. More to the point though, no shit you're not always a happy person, Kaitlyn. You have done nothing but cry and scowl at these potential suitors for the last three weeks. That would be like Sylvia Plath saying "you know guys, I'm not always this chipper," before oven-ing herself to death.

While on the island, Ben and Kaitlyn play hide and seek (apparently an unfortunate new staple of The Bachelor/ette now) in some ancient ruins before retiring to dinner and drinks at an old pub. During this time, Ben offers his thoughts on the upcoming fantasy suite. To him, the fantasy suite symbolizes more than just physicality, it's an opportunity to grow the relationship as a whole and stay up talking all night. Kaitlyn immediately seizes on this sentiment, and with all the awkwardness she can muster, asks if Ben is a virgin. Somewhat taken aback, Ben replies that no, he isn't. They both laugh for some reason. It was weird.

ABC finds this sort of thing fascinating for some reason.

Next came the three on one date between Joe, Nick, and Shawn. Shawn took time with Kaitlyn first, and while the two reconciled their differences, she never got a chance to tell him about her night with Nick. If you haven't seen the episode, don't worry. She eventually tells him, and it's pretty God damn entertaining. Don't worry, we'll get there.

Nick also took time with Kaitlyn, though it was pretty worthless. Kaitlyn says that their night together came too quickly, if you will. Nick responds by mumbling incoherently for a while before saying "you know how I feel about you." No Nick, we don't. Take your hand away from your mouth, make some eye contact, and enunciate. You're a grown-ass man, not a Japanese schoolgirl. This is why the internet hates you.

Joe's time with Kaitlyn was rough. He immediately told Kaitlyn that he loved her, and she immediately responded with a long pause before saying "thank you." That's cold. Kaitlyn could have at least Han Solo'd him. Even saying "I know" acknowledges some mutual understanding. Saying "thank you" is an emotional beat down more akin to Hope Solo than Han Solo.

But really, congrats on your World Cup and all that.

Indeed the breakup with Joe was bad, but it wasn't as bad as the show led you to believe. Sure, he was sad and refused to talk to producers, but most of what he said was clearly edited in to make him look worse than he was. I also think Joe's asking "what should I do now?" was a genuine question. Think about it, if Joe's entire personality is based around "gee whiz, I'm just a simple country boy who speaks his mind," wouldn't it make sense that he's actually asking Kaitlyn where he is literally supposed to go? Say what you will, I just don't think Joe is smart enough to not ask that question.

After Joe's departure, Kaitlyn returns to Nick and Shawn. There will be no rose handed out on this date, but she will be taking extra time with Shawn this evening, presumably to tell him about her humping Nick. Shawn is excited because he thinks that he is winning. I am excited because I get to see this douche be unhappy for a while.

I feed on his tears.

That night, Kaitlyn describes her apprehension in seeing Shawn by saying "I'm nervous. That means I feel like it's going to go worse than I think." Setting aside the fact that what she said doesn't make any sense, I don't think the reason she is nervous has to do with her thoughts and feelings being different. If I had to guess, she's actually nervous because she has to tell a guy that she cheated on him with his arch enemy. Don't try and tell me "it's not cheating, this is The Bachelorette" either, because I'm not buying it. Everyone enters this show under the assumption that there will be no fucking until the fantasy suite. There was pre-suite fucking. Therefore this is cheating.

Shawn is actually speechless for several seconds after Kaitlyn tells him, and even goes do the restroom to collect his thoughts. We know he went to the restroom because of the close-up shot that lingered on the men's room door. Just in case anyone was wondering, Shawn does indeed use the men's room. When he returns, Shawn tries to justify her actions by saying he understood the structure of the show and "can't be mad. I mean obviously I am mad, but what am I going to do? Just storm out?" Jesus Christ, these two really deserve each other. Between Kaitlyn's nonsensical explanation of thoughts and feelings and now Shawn's thrice contradictory sentence, it's like watching a Sphinx and The Mad Hatter go on dates.

Johnny Depp also does whiteface.

Temporarily soothed, Shawn returns to the house where he and the others are greeted by Ken Doll-come to life, Chris Harrison. Chris informs them that there will be no cocktail party this evening, only a rose ceremony. They waste no time arriving at the ceremony, the guys wearing suits and Kaitlyn wearing a repurposed disco ball. That outfit was heinous.

The first rose goes to Shawn, who immediately asks Kaitlyn if he can briefly talk to her in private. Once alone, Shawn begins asking a variety of personal questions about why Kaitlyn fucked Nick. I won't write out Kaitlyn's entire answer to his question, mostly because it was pretty lengthy, but its central thesis was "none of your business, that's why." This is the closest Kaitlyn has been to likable (for me, at least) in weeks. She ends their time together by asking if Shawn trusts her, to which he doesn't respond.

But then she gives him a rose anyway, so I guess that was pretty pointless. Given the relative amounts of drama between Nick and Shawn, it's becoming clear that it's better to fuck someone too early than to ever tell them you love them. Good lord Bachelorette producers, get it together.

Also, just to be clear, Kaitlyn still hasn't told Ben that she slept with Nick yet. So I guess he just isn't worth telling?

Realizing that Shawn would be staying made it all the sadder to see Jared go, as he was not given a rose. It's not often you see an actual good person on these The Bachelorette and Jared was one of only a few this season. I'll admit that I actually felt a slight twinge when he offered Kaitlyn his coat, even after she kicked him off. Poor little guy. Maybe he will take this as a wakeup call and finally shave his face.

It's a razor, Jared. Buy one.

The final date of the evening was Nick's fantasy suite date. The two walked around Cork for a time, before entering a cathedral where Nick explained some of the finer points of Catholicism to Kaitlyn. After presumably clarifying the theological implications of transubstantiation, he also tells Kaitlyn that his parents met in a church, where a three year old told them to get married. That explains a lot about Nick actually. Only two people willing to take relationship advice from a toddler could have a son this weird.

Next, the couple entered a bar where they took both shots and advice on marriage from drunken locals. Oh for fuck's sake, Vialls! Stop taking advice from every low functioning stranger that walks up to you! Why is it assumed that total strangers have anything worthwhile to say? On that note, stop taking advice from Chris Harrison as well. I don't trust him more than a drunk, a toddler, or a drunken toddler.

Alcoholism never looked so cute
Nick and Kaitlyn eventually get dinner in an old jail, surrounded by representations of prisoners starving and being tortured. Nick then takes most of his time during dinner to talk about how much he hates Kaitlyn's other boyfriend, Shawn. Kaitlyn also plays a "joke" on Nick, telling him they would be sleeping in the jail tonight only to reveal that HAHA YOU FELL FOR IT! We're really staying in a hotel, stupid! What a great joke!

Despite all of the factors listed above, Kaitlyn and Nick still choose to fuck each other. I just… I just can't anymore. Everyone on this show is terrible, awful people.

The episode ends with Shawn confusingly going to confront Nick about… something? I'm not actually sure what he is mad about. The argument seems to be that they just don't like each other, and have no desire to change that. I guess it's like Israel and Palestine. Sometimes you just have to lob a rocket over to remind the other person that you hate them.

It looks like next week we'll see a dramatic conclusion to the Nick/Shawn confrontation. Though if there are no punches thrown, I will be severely disappointed.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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