Before I even begin to address the shit show that was last
night’s season finale of The Bachelor,
I have a bone to pick with all of you. For weeks, all I have been hearing is
unfounded confirmation that Caila was in line to be the next Bachelorette. Assuming all you dumb dumbs knew what you
were talking about, I spent two weeks
writing down jokes about what an odd choice Caila was and how weird it would be
to have our first half human-half Muppet Bachelorette. But what happens last night? Ol’ Chris
Harrison goes and announces Chesty JoJo as the next Bachelorette overlord. Are you shitting me? What am I supposed to
do with two full pages of Muppet/Hapa jokes? Answer me!
I didn't even want her. Why did I do all this?
With that bit of rage out of my system, let’s transition
into a completely different type of anger and discuss last night’s finale
episode of The Bachelor.
Chris Harrison is in the studio again tonight to introduce
the show/fill time. His presence prior to After
The Final Rose is as unwelcome as it is unnecessary, but this is The Bachelor, so it is also
unfortunately expected. Keeping with his usual though process of, “Hey,
wouldn’t if be terrible if (fill in the blank),” Chris has decided to pressure Ben
into getting married tonight. In order to show just how serious he is, he’s
even invited the families of both contestants,
jeweler Neil Lane, and Ben’s hometown pastor. I have no idea what kind of
pastor accepts an invitation to bring together in holy matrimony two people on
a polyamorous reality TV show, but my guess is a shitty pastor.
Stop reading that book! You already know what's in there!
In any case, Ben and the ladies are back in Jamaica for this
final week. During the first of what must have been 12 montages detailing their
final hours of fame, the contestants reflected on their time on the show. Both
women stress how much they love Ben and would be devastated were he to not
choose them. Ben is also conflicted, albeit in an incredibly stupid way. “My
head is a mess,” Ben says, “I can’t help how I feel.” True, Ben can’t help how
he feels, but he can help how he acts. I have a lot of feelings about a lot of
people but I don’t share them with everyone. If I did, I would be in jail, or
at the very least unemployable.
As one does before getting engaged, Ben is now tasked with
introducing the women to his parents. Ben’s mom immediately becomes my favorite
person when she describes the entire situation as, “really disturbing to me.”
God bless you, Amy Higgins. God bless you.
The Bachelorette 2017
Both women’s parental meetings went as smoothly as one could
expect. Lauren tells both of Ben’s parents she is ready to be engaged, which
they are able to fake smile through. JoJo, on the other hand, stresses how safe
Ben makes her feel to his father. David (Ben’s father) really likes JoJo,
though he can’t quite articulate why. Gee, I wonder what reason (boobs) David
could have (boobs) for being so interested (boobs) in JoJo. The mystery lives
on.
Next came Lauren’s final date with Ben as confused as ever.
The two made out on a boat for some time before Lauren realized that he seemed
conflicted. “He’s thinking about something, but I don’t know what,” she said,
completely forgetting everything that had happened to her in the last two
months. Eventually, Ben confessed to her that he was nervous because nothing bad
had happened yet in their relationship. This is a completely valid reason to be
trepidatious about any relationship. Lauren continues to not understand his
concerns, however, saying, “I didn’t overthink it as much as I thought I
would!” Good for you, Lauren, but overthinking things was never really your
problem, was it?
The fourth stooge.
After leaving a confident (if not slightly clueless) Lauren,
Ben goes on his final date with JoJo. In a last ditch effort by The Bachelor producers to put JoJo in
another swimsuit, she and Ben go for some swimming and general groping in a
local lagoon. JoJo, who turns every TV into a 3D TV, tells Ben she is concerned
about the distance between their hometowns. Ben reacts as if he just realized
that Dallas and Denver were nowhere near each other. Because it is a mantra for
the contestants on this show to never be controversial in any way, JoJo
immediately walks back her concerns by telling Ben she would move anywhere for
him and avoids a painful geography lesson.
Later in the night, JoJo and Ben retreat to her room for
drinks. She admits that she is nervous about their relationship, saying, “I’ve
only been scared a few times in my life.” Seriously? You’ve only been scared “a
few times” in your life? What world do you live in where scary things happen so
infrequently? As a single woman in America, you would be justified in being
scared every single day.
Ben tries to reassure JoJo that their relationship is perfect
and he wouldn’t change a thing. She doesn’t completely buy it and locks herself
in the bathroom with Ben to avoid the producers. Behind closed doors, she asks
if he also loves Lauren, to which he responds, “Yes.” After some halfhearted
consoling from Ben, JoJo ends the night crying alone in her room.
Don't feel too bad. This is how we met her.
Finished with the final dates, Ben sits down with the tacky
jeweler himself, Neil Lane. Neil asks Ben if he knows who he has chosen yet,
which gives Ben pause. After a brief moment to collect his thoughts, Ben says
that he has. As we would later find out, Ben asked himself, “Which woman can I
not live without?” to make his decision. Excuse me for a moment while I have a
quick aside with Ben.
Ben, what the fuck
have you been doing for the last two months? That is the only question you are
supposed to be asking during this entire competition and you just now realized
it on the last day of filming? There is literally nothing else you have to
worry about, except finding a woman you cannot live without. That is your one
job. You don’t have to set up the dates or even pay for them. Hell, you barely
have to be interesting. All you have to do is find a woman to propose to, and
you forgot about it until the very last night. I’m not disappointed in you, Ben.
I’m actually mad.
Who could have known this guy would turn out to be kind of stupid?
At the final rose ceremony, JoJo is the first to arrive. As
we all know, this means she will be eliminated from competition. After a long
walk to Ben and a lengthy speech, Ben finally tells JoJo, “I found love with
you, but I found it with someone else more.” For being someone Ben claimed to
love, he sure let JoJo get a long way into the ceremony before dumping her. Call
me crazy, but if I loved someone I wouldn’t drag out our breakup on national TV in the name of entertainment.
But hey, what do I know? I’m just a human being with feelings and empathy.
Ben sheds a brief tear over JoJo before picking up the phone
to call Lauren’s dad to ask for his blessing. Given that it would probably not
look great for him to say no and call Ben a creep in primetime, Mr. B relents.
With her father’s blessing, Ben proposes to Lauren. She of
course says yes, and the two are whisked out of sight, hopefully forever.
Goodnight, and good riddance.
I wish After the Final
Rose was more interesting than it really was. Ben says that the show was
difficult, but worth it. He and JoJo have a completely civil conversation about
their breakup and each speaks highly of the other. Ben and Lauren come out for
the first time as a couple and do couple shit in front of everyone. Chris
Harrison tried to convince them to get married in the remaining ten minutes of
airtime, but they refused. There was a brief moment of surprise when Jimmy
Kimmel interrupted to ask Ben how sex worked and if he was having it, but it
blended in with the rest of the monotony. All in all, it was time filling for
time filling’s sake.
A sincere thank you is due to everyone who read these dumb
thoughts all season. I genuinely don’t know if I will do this again for The Bachelorette. If I do, I’ll see you
all at the end of May for JoJo’s season. If not, goodbye forever.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
First time commenter but avid long-time reader. I must ask you not to retire from your BRUTAL Bachelor tales! They make this garbage show all the more worth it. Pls do it for the fans.
ReplyDeletepls don't go, one of my favourite parts of watching the bachelor is reading your posts afterwards. it would truly break my heart as ben broke jojo's. </3
ReplyDeleteI enjoy reading your posts much more than i enjoy watching the show. Don't retire!
ReplyDeleteAnother long-time reader/first-time commenter chiming in to say that I love your posts and hope you continue! Your recaps have been my favorite for the last several seasons. Thanks for the laughs and the down-to-earth perspective.
ReplyDelete