Last night’s episode begins where Monday’s ended with the
breakup of Vinny and Izzy. Even now I’m still not entirely sure why the couple
broke up, but I’ll do my best to summarize it. From what I understand, Izzy saw
a hot guy and then realized that Vinny was not as hot as the hot guy. She then
went and talked to the hot guy before telling Vinny that she talked to the hot
guy. Vinny is upset because he is not a hot guy and tells Izzy he was committed
to her. Izzy is only 75% committed to Vinny (which seems both impossible and at
the same time a pretty good ratio) so he leaves.
I know that all sounded pretty stupid, but I dare you to
find any factual inaccuracies in what I said.
"I am going to get so much ass after this breakup..."
As Vinny leaves, the rest of the cast stands around stunned.
“If a couple like Vinny and Izzy can break up,” Grant says, “None of us are
safe.” Grant is right. None of the couples are safe. Everyone is drunk and
running through the Mexican beaches and forests. It’s amazing that no one has
been kidnapped or killed yet. Sure, Evan has a perpetual bloody nose, but
that’s more of an Evan problem than anything else.
In an attempt to lighten the mood, former Bachelor in Paradise “winners”, Jade and
Tanner, arrive with a date card to hand out. As the only successful couple to
emerge from Bachelor in Paradise (I
choose not to count Marcus and Lacey because they disgust me), Jade and Tanner
are tasked with choosing which couple should get their date card. It was a
highly strategic game of “Which of these people would be the least embarrassing
to watch on TV?” As it turns out, this was a difficult question to answer.
Pictured: Jade and Tanner realizing how close they came to a horribly depressing life.
As the longest standing couple of the season, Lace and Grant
make a strong case for receiving the date card. That is, until Lace admits she
won’t say, “I love you” to Grant, despite his saying it to her. Tanner and Jade
try to pretend that this isn’t weird (it is), while Grant says it’s wrong for Lace
not to be more invested in their relationship (it isn’t). During all this, Lace
stares into the middle distance and counts down the seconds until she can go
back to the bar for more shots.
None of the other couples’ interviews were particularly
interesting. Josh tried to bribe Tanner with unnamed goods and/or services in
exchange for the date card. Nick basically admitted that he had given up making
any kind of an effort, which shockingly didn’t upset his date, Jen, in the
slightest. Jared and Caila were your standard level of cuteness. Like I said,
nothing too special from the couples.
After the couples finished their interviews, Ashley
approached Jade and Tanner for her interview. This seemed odd, as Ashley is not
currently part of a couple in Paradise, though I suspect the producers were
simply humoring her need for attention.
Ashley uses the entirety of her time to bash Caila and ensure that Jared
does not get a date card. It’s a plan Ashley feels pretty confident in, and why
shouldn’t she? After all, what could go wrong?
"It's not like I've ever been let down before!"
As it turns out, everything could go wrong. Jade and Tanner
give the date card to Jared and Caila, which I assume was part of a larger plan
to spite Ashley for being so stupid. Their plan both does and doesn’t work. On
one hand, Ashley is devastated at the thought of Jared and Caila together and
is specifically disgusted by the thought of them in a fantasy suite together.
On the other hand, Ashley is also incredibly stupid and says, “Knowing Jared he
wouldn’t do anything in the fantasy suite anyway.” This perfectly encapsulates
Ashley’s ongoing frustration with Jared. Look, Ashley. Just because Jared
doesn’t want to fuck you doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to fuck anyone. I only
half pay attention to this show and I figured that out.
Jared and Caila’s date was nice, if not a little extreme.
The two recreated the date where Tanner and Jade fell in love from last season
of Bachelor in Paradise. If that
doesn’t put pressure on a date, nothing will. I assume Tanner and Jared’s off
mic conversation went something like this. “Hey, Jared. Enjoy this date with Caila;
it’s the same date my wife and I first fell in love on. Don’t worry, though;
you’ll be great. Just remember that it’s totally possible to fall in love
tonight and there might actually be something wrong with you if you don’t. But
don’t worry if Caila doesn’t work out, I’m sure Ashley will be back here
waiting for you. Now go get ‘em champ!”
Be careful, Jared. This could be your future.
While Jared and Caila are having a surprisingly normal date,
an entirely different kind of date is ramping up back in Paradise. Evan has
received a date card and enthusiastically asked an unenthusiastic Carly on a
date. The two take part on a Mescal cleansing ritual, which is New Age speak
for “sitting in a hot, dirty yurt while several naked men stare and mumble
incoherently at you.” In a lot of ways, it was like a strip club.
Both Carly and Evan loved the ceremony, however. They are
each big believers in New Age rituals and immediately buy into the healing
powers they claim to possess. There might be something to it too, because Carly
seems to be cured of her bitter heart. She and Evan make out during and after
the ceremony, despite the fact that both look like they just finished sweating
out 20% of their body weight.
Ok. Now I get why she is with Evan.
Back in Paradise, Ashley continues her half-formed plot to
take down Jared and Caila. She tells Jared that Caila is “a robot” who is only
on the show for fame. Being the idiot that he is, Jared runs straight to Caila
with these concerns. Caila reassures him that she is both a real live human
being, and that she really likes him. Jared doesn’t seem to realize he just got
played by both Ashley and Caila and instead nods solemnly while he pretends to
understand words.
Fed up with everyone, Caila heads down to the beach to
confront Ashley. She immediately accuses Ashley of trying to sabotage their
relationship despite her and Jared going to great lengths to accommodate her
craziness. Ashley responds by saying she won’t stop repeating what she hears
from others just because Caila doesn’t like it. To be clear, the only people
Ashley hears these things from are the voices in her own head.
The episode ends with Caila and Ashley staring each other
down as Ashley says, “I want to scratch her eyes out.” Good God I badly want to
see this fight.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
You may or may not know this but our High Holy Virgin of Perpetual Weeping, Princess Jasmine Kardashian Iaconetti, will be appearing on Million Dollar Matchmaker THIS Friday...
ReplyDeleteHer Cri du Coeur can be seen AND heard on 8/26 at 9pm Central on the WE Network. What are the odds that Psychotic ("Let's go to work!") Patti the Matchmaker will force her to......CRY?
Can't. Freakin'. Wait.
Anyway... thanks so much for your hysterically funny recaps of all those wounded and wonderful morons on BIP. I laugh so hard that I cry as much as you-know-who!