Bachelor in Paradise: I Can Make Out With His Mind

Last night’s episode begins where Monday’s ended with the breakup of Vinny and Izzy. Even now I’m still not entirely sure why the couple broke up, but I’ll do my best to summarize it. From what I understand, Izzy saw a hot guy and then realized that Vinny was not as hot as the hot guy. She then went and talked to the hot guy before telling Vinny that she talked to the hot guy. Vinny is upset because he is not a hot guy and tells Izzy he was committed to her. Izzy is only 75% committed to Vinny (which seems both impossible and at the same time a pretty good ratio) so he leaves.

I know that all sounded pretty stupid, but I dare you to find any factual inaccuracies in what I said.

"I am going to get so much ass after this breakup..."

As Vinny leaves, the rest of the cast stands around stunned. “If a couple like Vinny and Izzy can break up,” Grant says, “None of us are safe.” Grant is right. None of the couples are safe. Everyone is drunk and running through the Mexican beaches and forests. It’s amazing that no one has been kidnapped or killed yet. Sure, Evan has a perpetual bloody nose, but that’s more of an Evan problem than anything else.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, former Bachelor in Paradise “winners”, Jade and Tanner, arrive with a date card to hand out. As the only successful couple to emerge from Bachelor in Paradise (I choose not to count Marcus and Lacey because they disgust me), Jade and Tanner are tasked with choosing which couple should get their date card. It was a highly strategic game of “Which of these people would be the least embarrassing to watch on TV?” As it turns out, this was a difficult question to answer.

Pictured: Jade and Tanner realizing how close they came to a horribly depressing life.

As the longest standing couple of the season, Lace and Grant make a strong case for receiving the date card. That is, until Lace admits she won’t say, “I love you” to Grant, despite his saying it to her. Tanner and Jade try to pretend that this isn’t weird (it is), while Grant says it’s wrong for Lace not to be more invested in their relationship (it isn’t). During all this, Lace stares into the middle distance and counts down the seconds until she can go back to the bar for more shots.

None of the other couples’ interviews were particularly interesting. Josh tried to bribe Tanner with unnamed goods and/or services in exchange for the date card. Nick basically admitted that he had given up making any kind of an effort, which shockingly didn’t upset his date, Jen, in the slightest. Jared and Caila were your standard level of cuteness. Like I said, nothing too special from the couples.

After the couples finished their interviews, Ashley approached Jade and Tanner for her interview. This seemed odd, as Ashley is not currently part of a couple in Paradise, though I suspect the producers were simply humoring her need for attention.  Ashley uses the entirety of her time to bash Caila and ensure that Jared does not get a date card. It’s a plan Ashley feels pretty confident in, and why shouldn’t she? After all, what could go wrong?

"It's not like I've ever been let down before!"

As it turns out, everything could go wrong. Jade and Tanner give the date card to Jared and Caila, which I assume was part of a larger plan to spite Ashley for being so stupid. Their plan both does and doesn’t work. On one hand, Ashley is devastated at the thought of Jared and Caila together and is specifically disgusted by the thought of them in a fantasy suite together. On the other hand, Ashley is also incredibly stupid and says, “Knowing Jared he wouldn’t do anything in the fantasy suite anyway.” This perfectly encapsulates Ashley’s ongoing frustration with Jared. Look, Ashley. Just because Jared doesn’t want to fuck you doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to fuck anyone. I only half pay attention to this show and I figured that out.

Jared and Caila’s date was nice, if not a little extreme. The two recreated the date where Tanner and Jade fell in love from last season of Bachelor in Paradise. If that doesn’t put pressure on a date, nothing will. I assume Tanner and Jared’s off mic conversation went something like this. “Hey, Jared. Enjoy this date with Caila; it’s the same date my wife and I first fell in love on. Don’t worry, though; you’ll be great. Just remember that it’s totally possible to fall in love tonight and there might actually be something wrong with you if you don’t. But don’t worry if Caila doesn’t work out, I’m sure Ashley will be back here waiting for you. Now go get ‘em champ!”

Be careful, Jared. This could be your future.

While Jared and Caila are having a surprisingly normal date, an entirely different kind of date is ramping up back in Paradise. Evan has received a date card and enthusiastically asked an unenthusiastic Carly on a date. The two take part on a Mescal cleansing ritual, which is New Age speak for “sitting in a hot, dirty yurt while several naked men stare and mumble incoherently at you.” In a lot of ways, it was like a strip club.

Both Carly and Evan loved the ceremony, however. They are each big believers in New Age rituals and immediately buy into the healing powers they claim to possess. There might be something to it too, because Carly seems to be cured of her bitter heart. She and Evan make out during and after the ceremony, despite the fact that both look like they just finished sweating out 20% of their body weight.

Ok. Now I get why she is with Evan.

Back in Paradise, Ashley continues her half-formed plot to take down Jared and Caila. She tells Jared that Caila is “a robot” who is only on the show for fame. Being the idiot that he is, Jared runs straight to Caila with these concerns. Caila reassures him that she is both a real live human being, and that she really likes him. Jared doesn’t seem to realize he just got played by both Ashley and Caila and instead nods solemnly while he pretends to understand words.

Fed up with everyone, Caila heads down to the beach to confront Ashley. She immediately accuses Ashley of trying to sabotage their relationship despite her and Jared going to great lengths to accommodate her craziness. Ashley responds by saying she won’t stop repeating what she hears from others just because Caila doesn’t like it. To be clear, the only people Ashley hears these things from are the voices in her own head.

The episode ends with Caila and Ashley staring each other down as Ashley says, “I want to scratch her eyes out.” Good God I badly want to see this fight.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel