Tuesday, January 24, 2017

The Bachelor: Everywhere I Turn There Is Poop

Before we begin, a quick warning to everyone: I've been running a low-grade fever for about 36 hours now, so not much of what was said on last night's episode of The Bachelor made any sense to me. Then again, it never really does. Regardless, I may have hallucinated some things that didn't really happen. For example, Raven recounted an attempted murder, Nick ate his own face, and Corinne spent an uncomfortably long time talking about poop. For my own sanity, I have to assume none of those things actually happened. Right?

Why can't my fever dreams be about Johnny Cash coyotes.

The episode begins hot on the heels of last week's Corinne debacle. To recap, Corinne groped Nick in a bouncy house like a horny toddler, and then opted to skip the rest of the pool party and take a nap. None of the women appreciated Corinne's overt sexuality, with Taylor and Sarah going so far as to confront her about it. "You need to pull it together," says Sarah to a still sleepy Corinne in what is definitely the understatement of the season.

Even less tactful was Taylor, who questioned Corinne's readiness for marriage based on her napping frequency and nanny having. Corinne is shocked by these allegations saying that she is, "not privileged in any way, shape, or form." This is the sort of spectacular statement, which begs the question, “How many nannies does it take to make a person privileged?” Apparently, the answer is more than one.

Poor Von Trapps... Only one nanny for the whole family...

The Rose Ceremony consisted mostly of a montage of women complaining about Corinne and begging for her to go home. In keeping up with his tradition of disappointing women, Nick gives his final rose to Corinne as the other women look on in disgust.

After the Rose Ceremony, Corinne attempts to give a sarcastic toast mocking the other women for her receiving a rose, apparently forgetting literally every other woman in the room just received a rose too. The rambling toast goes on for nearly a minute before she realizes that she forgot why she started talking and she frantically yells, "Cheers!" If this was an attempt to seem like a sane person, it failed.

Even the cast of Cheers doesn't appreciate your yelling.

The next morning, Chris Harrison tells the women they will soon be leaving the mansion and begin jet setting across the globe with Nick. Chris tells them that their first stop will be Milwaukee, WI. Unfortunately, that turns out to be a lie, because the women actually travel to a Milwaukee suburb: Waukesha. For those unfamiliar, Waukesha is a smaller, whiter, lamer version of Milwaukee. Waukesha is Milwaukee’s younger brother who sells insurance to insurance companies. Just an impossibly boring turd of a city.

Upon their arrival in Waukesha, a date card is immediately gifted to Danielle L, the woman whose face I can't remember because she has more boobs than face. Nick and the Boobs walk around Waukesha while Nick recounts his pre-teen sexual encounters. After several minutes of Nick talking about fingering girls at the library, the date gets even more awkward when the pair “run into” Nick’s ex girlfriend. The three exchange platitudes before going their separate ways so Nick can continue talking about his glory days with junior high school girls.

Nick's memory.

The night ended with cocktails and an impromptu crashing of an unnamed country show in downtown Milwaukee. Nick and the Boobs slow danced on stage for what felt like an eternity, but probably felt even longer to the sold out crowd in attendance who just wanted to watch a show instead of these two assholes dance on stage.

According to a friend onsite, they had to replay one song seven times in order to get all of the shots they needed of Nick and the Boobs dancing. I cannot imagine a more Middle America kind of hell.

Can't blame her. I'd dress like that too if my boobs were bigger.

Next came the group date. Nick took thirteen women to a Wisconsin farm to learn how to do basic farm chores. The women had to alternate between milking cows, spreading hay, and shoveling manure. It is worth noting that in 2017 machines do literally all of these chores, so this was less a day of chores and more an exercise in humiliation.

Twelve of the women complete these chores with a sense of humor and a smile. The thirteenth, Corinne, suddenly realizes she is doing chores and walks out of the barn to sit by herself. As she puts it, “I wouldn’t even make my nanny do farm chores.” Obviously that isn’t true as Corinne’s nanny is constantly taking care of a giant ass. Seeing Corinne sitting alone smelling like cow shit was the only time I have truly been happy while watching this show.

No reason for this. Just want you to be as unhappy as I am.

Once the farm chores had ended, Corinne came to a sudden realization saying, “I’m starting to think the other women don’t like me.” In an attempt to prove her hypothesis, Corinne asks the women what they think of her. Immediately, the women assault her with a chorus of, “You’re immature,” “You’re constantly sleeping,” and “Why the fuck do you have a nanny?” Instead of taking their criticism, Corinne points out that both Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps before honking her boobs and then asks if she is still immature. I was legitimately shocked to find out that this all actually happened and wasn’t a fever dream.

Corinne also claimed that age is just a number. While technically true, it is also a defense creepy high school teachers are forced to use in a courtroom.

Mercifully, the group date ended with Kristina getting a rose. I still have no idea where Kristina is from, but she fascinates me. Every time she speaks it sounds like Vladimir Putin doing an impression of the Dukes of Hazzard.

To be fair, Putin is always doing an impression of The Dukes of Hazzard.

The final one on one date of the evening goes to Raven. Nick surprises her by taking Raven to his little sister’s soccer game. Raven does a good job pretending to be excited about the date, even though watching children’s athletics is the least romantic date imaginable.

Nick continues his weird date with both Raven and his sister at a local skating rink. Nick’s sister and Raven actually managed to have a fairly cute conversation about Nick, which was one of the high points of the show. The two talked about the show and what Raven likes in a man while Nick did skating tricks in the background. While still a bit awkward, this part of the date was infinitely better than watching children’s soccer.

The date ended with dinner and more roller-skating at the Milwaukee Art Museum. Raven decided to recount the time she beat her ex-boyfriend with another woman’s shoe for cheating on her. She also mentions that she could describe the other woman’s vagina, which is a weird detail to include. Even weirder was Nick’s response of, “How so?” Come on, Nick. Don’t go all Juan Pablo on me. Not this early in the season.

No, Juan Pablo! Ess not ok!

After Raven’s date, the women prepare for a cocktail party. Within seconds, it becomes apparent that Corinne is hell-bent on getting revenge on the other women for not liking her. She pulls Taylor aside and begins berating her for being honest even though Corinne had asked her to do so. Taylor, like the audience, was completely unsurprised by Corinne, and told her she lacked emotional intelligence. What followed was several minutes of Corinne trying to convince Taylor that she thought Corinne was stupid. This was somehow supposed to prove that Corinne wasn’t stupid. I’m not sure what kind of mental gymnastics Corinne did to get to this point, but she definitely sprained an ankle in the process.

The episode ends moments before the next rose ceremony.

After writing all of this out, I kind of wish it was all a fever dream.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel

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