Before we begin, a quick warning to everyone: I've
been running a low-grade fever for about 36 hours now, so not much of what was
said on last night's episode of The Bachelor made any sense to
me. Then again, it never really does. Regardless, I may have hallucinated
some things that didn't really happen. For example, Raven recounted an
attempted murder, Nick ate his own face, and Corinne spent an uncomfortably
long time talking about poop. For my own sanity, I have to assume none of those
things actually happened. Right?
Why can't my fever dreams be about Johnny Cash coyotes.
The episode begins hot on the heels of last
week's Corinne debacle. To recap, Corinne groped Nick in a bouncy house like a
horny toddler, and then opted to skip the rest of the pool party and take a
nap. None of the women appreciated Corinne's overt sexuality, with Taylor and
Sarah going so far as to confront her about it. "You need to pull it
together," says Sarah to a still sleepy Corinne in what is definitely the
understatement of the season.
Even less tactful was Taylor, who questioned
Corinne's readiness for marriage based on her napping frequency and nanny
having. Corinne is shocked by these allegations saying that she is, "not
privileged in any way, shape, or form." This is the sort of spectacular
statement, which begs the question, “How many nannies does it take to make a
person privileged?” Apparently, the answer is more than one.
Poor Von Trapps... Only one nanny for the whole family...
The Rose Ceremony consisted mostly of a montage
of women complaining about Corinne and begging for her to go home. In keeping
up with his tradition of disappointing women, Nick gives his final rose to
Corinne as the other women look on in disgust.
After the Rose Ceremony, Corinne attempts to
give a sarcastic toast mocking the other women for her receiving a rose,
apparently forgetting literally every other woman in the room just received a
rose too. The rambling toast goes on for nearly a minute before she realizes
that she forgot why she started talking and she frantically yells, "Cheers!"
If this was an attempt to seem like a sane person, it failed.
Even the cast of Cheers doesn't appreciate your yelling.
The next morning, Chris Harrison tells the
women they will soon be leaving the mansion and begin jet setting across the
globe with Nick. Chris tells them that their first stop will be Milwaukee, WI. Unfortunately,
that turns out to be a lie, because the women actually travel to a Milwaukee
suburb: Waukesha. For those unfamiliar, Waukesha is a smaller, whiter, lamer
version of Milwaukee. Waukesha is Milwaukee’s younger brother who sells
insurance to insurance companies. Just an impossibly boring turd of a city.
Upon their arrival in Waukesha, a date card is
immediately gifted to Danielle L, the woman whose face I can't remember because
she has more boobs than face. Nick and the Boobs walk around Waukesha while
Nick recounts his pre-teen sexual encounters. After several minutes of Nick
talking about fingering girls at the library, the date gets even more awkward
when the pair “run into” Nick’s ex girlfriend. The three exchange platitudes
before going their separate ways so Nick can continue talking about his glory
days with junior high school girls.
Nick's memory.
The night ended with cocktails and an
impromptu crashing of an unnamed country show in downtown Milwaukee. Nick and the
Boobs slow danced on stage for what felt like an eternity, but probably felt
even longer to the sold out crowd in attendance who just wanted to watch a show
instead of these two assholes dance on stage.
According to a
friend onsite, they had to replay one song seven times in order to get all of
the shots they needed of Nick and the Boobs dancing. I cannot imagine a more Middle
America kind of hell.
Can't blame her. I'd dress like that too if my boobs were bigger.
Next came the group date. Nick took thirteen women to a
Wisconsin farm to learn how to do basic farm chores. The women had to alternate
between milking cows, spreading hay, and shoveling manure. It is worth noting
that in 2017 machines do literally all of these chores, so this was less a day
of chores and more an exercise in humiliation.
Twelve of the women complete these chores with a sense of
humor and a smile. The thirteenth, Corinne, suddenly realizes she is doing
chores and walks out of the barn to sit by herself. As she puts it, “I wouldn’t
even make my nanny do farm chores.” Obviously that isn’t true as Corinne’s
nanny is constantly taking care of a giant ass. Seeing Corinne sitting alone smelling
like cow shit was the only time I have truly been happy while watching this
show.
No reason for this. Just want you to be as unhappy as I am.
Once the farm chores had ended, Corinne came to a sudden
realization saying, “I’m starting to think the other women don’t like me.” In
an attempt to prove her hypothesis, Corinne asks the women what they think of
her. Immediately, the women assault her with a chorus of, “You’re immature,”
“You’re constantly sleeping,” and “Why the fuck do you have a nanny?” Instead
of taking their criticism, Corinne points out that both Michael Jordan and
Abraham Lincoln took naps before honking her boobs and then asks if she is
still immature. I was legitimately shocked to find out that this all actually
happened and wasn’t a fever dream.
Corinne also claimed that age is just a number. While
technically true, it is also a defense creepy high school teachers are forced
to use in a courtroom.
Mercifully, the group date ended with Kristina getting a
rose. I still have no idea where Kristina is from, but she fascinates me. Every
time she speaks it sounds like Vladimir Putin doing an impression of the Dukes
of Hazzard.
To be fair, Putin is always doing an impression of The Dukes of Hazzard.
The final one on one date of the evening goes to Raven. Nick
surprises her by taking Raven to his little sister’s soccer game. Raven does a
good job pretending to be excited about the date, even though watching
children’s athletics is the least romantic date imaginable.
Nick continues his weird date with both Raven and his sister
at a local skating rink. Nick’s sister and Raven actually managed to have a
fairly cute conversation about Nick, which was one of the high points of the
show. The two talked about the show and what Raven likes in a man while Nick
did skating tricks in the background. While still a bit awkward, this part of
the date was infinitely better than watching children’s soccer.
The date ended with dinner and more roller-skating at the
Milwaukee Art Museum. Raven decided to recount the time she beat her
ex-boyfriend with another woman’s shoe for cheating on her. She also mentions
that she could describe the other woman’s vagina, which is a weird detail to
include. Even weirder was Nick’s response of, “How so?” Come on, Nick. Don’t go
all Juan Pablo on me. Not this early in the season.
No, Juan Pablo! Ess not ok!
After Raven’s date, the women prepare for a cocktail party.
Within seconds, it becomes apparent that Corinne is hell-bent on getting
revenge on the other women for not liking her. She pulls Taylor aside and
begins berating her for being honest even though Corinne had asked her to do
so. Taylor, like the audience, was completely unsurprised by Corinne, and told
her she lacked emotional intelligence. What followed was several minutes of
Corinne trying to convince Taylor that she thought Corinne was stupid. This was
somehow supposed to prove that Corinne wasn’t
stupid. I’m not sure what kind of mental gymnastics Corinne did to get to this
point, but she definitely sprained an ankle in the process.
The episode ends moments before the next rose ceremony.
After writing all of this out, I kind of wish it was all a
fever dream.
XOXO,
Gossip Squirrel
No comments:
Post a Comment