Wednesday, February 1, 2017

The Bachelor: Rebuke It In The Name Of Jesus

I just watched a business owner with a wildly inflated ego berate a well-spoken, professional woman for two hours straight. The woman spent most of her time laying out logical, well made arguments about why she was not only more qualified than the business owner, but more qualified than anyone for the position at stake. The business owner countered by repeatedly calling the woman names and creating conspiracy theories about her perceived motives. In the end, the business owner won by a narrow margin and we the people were stuck with a human monster for the foreseeable future.

If Corinne’s likeness to Donald Trump wasn’t obvious before last night, it sure as shit is now. The only difference I can see is that Corinne doesn’t (openly) hate Muslims, Mexicans, women, intellectuals, liberals, and cucks in general.

Somehow less sexual than your average Trump voter.

The Bachelor begins this week, as it seemingly does every week, with Corinne complaining about things she doesn’t seem to fully understand. In last night’s case, Corinne became upset that Taylor questioned her “emotional intelligence.” Unfortunately, Corinne also does not know what “emotional intelligence,” means as her anger and confusion goes a long way towards proving Taylor’s point.

After realizing her conversation with Taylor is going literally nowhere, Corinne runs to Nick to complain. She yells, “Bye, bitch!” several times before telling Nick that Taylor is bullying her. When pressed, Corinne is unable to think of a single time Taylor actually bullied her, but tells Nick, “Trust me, she’s bad.” For some reason, Nick trusts the psychotic, fame hungry contestant as though he’s never been on this show before.

After Corinne ran out of oxygen and stopped talking, it was time for the Rose Ceremony. Usual dramatics aside, the ceremony saw Astrid and the girl from Modern Family leave the show.

I'm almost positive this was her.

With two women gone, Nick takes the remaining thirteen to New Orleans for, as he puts it, some “jazzy” fun. The women really seemed to enjoy this pun whereas I felt vaguely nauseous.

Once in New Orleans, Nick takes Rachel on a one on one date. The two sample wares at a local market, eat beignets, and enjoy generally cute couple shit. At one point, Nick and Rachel see a small jazz parade processing through the streets and decide to join in. Luckily for the couple, this was an actual jazz parade and not a jazz funeral. Not even New Orleans is laid back enough to let a reality TV star mock the dead.

Turns out the nation is actually fine with it, oddly enough.

The rest of the date was fairly normal by real world standards. Nick and Rachel went to a concert, had dinner, and discussed their hopes and fears. It was a great date in the real world, but pretty boring by The Bachelor standards.

Next came the group date. Nick and his binder full of women went to a haunted plantation, The Houmas House. The group is lead around the property by a tour guide/bartender/former carnival worker named “Boo”. Boo shows off the spookier points of the plantation while recounting the story of a young girl who died there centuries ago. In Boo’s own words, “If you make her mad, she’s gonna get mad.” Thanks, Boo. I now see why you are resigned to work in a haunted house.

That sure is impressive, by the way. Hundreds of years of slavery at that plantation, and only one little white girl managed to haunt the premises. What are the odds? The women should count themselves lucky they only have to deal with a little white girl.

The ghost of adorableness future.

As night falls on the house, the women begin ghost hunting. As one bachelorette puts it, “I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do respect them.” Nonsensical though that may be, it’s better than most step-dads who neither believe in, nor respect you.

Throughout the night, Nick stole private time with several of the women. Raven blurted out, “I love you!” and then tried to hide it by talking as quickly as possible to distract Nick. Less awkward was Danielle M, who talked to Nick like an adult human and didn’t yell random feelings at him. For this act of decency, Danielle was awarded the group date rose.

The final, and best date of the evening was a two on one date between Taylor and Corinne. The two women join Nick on a boat and head deep into the Louisiana swamp. How deep into the Louisiana swamp, you ask? Well, the boat was piloted by a Dog the Bounty Hunter lookalike, so pretty deep.

They were "twangy banjo" deep.

Once the boat makes landfall, Nick and the women hike to a nearby campsite where they watch “Voodoo” ceremonies and have their tarot cards read. It’s hard to believe that the Voodoo was authentic since the ceremony was presided over by a white woman with no trace of Creole accent. Then again, Smash Mouth has been parading as a band for the last fifteen years so I guess anything is possible.

As for the tarot card reader, she was either the one legitimate psychic in history, or was fed information about the contestants by a producer. The reader immediately pegs Corinne as a destructive force in the world (which you don’t actually have to be psychic to see) and tells Taylor not to engage her. While Taylor listens thoughtfully to this advice, Corinne again tells Nick that Taylor is a bully. At first, Nick doesn’t seem entirely convinced, but Corinne makes out with him until he agrees.

The reader then tells Corinne that she needs to chill the fuck out and not be such a terrible person. Corinne nods thoughtfully and then asks the reader if Voodoo dolls are real and if she can use them to cripple a grown woman.

After thinking it over for approximately 30 seconds, Nick gives the two on one rose to Corinne and sends Taylor home. Seriously? I can understand why you wouldn’t want Taylor for a wife. She can be both boring and a bit of a know it all, neither of which presents well on a show like this. But I cannot fathom why anyone would actively say yes to a human monster like Corinne. And if you were wondering: yes, this still is an extended metaphor for the general election.

Seriously, America. Fuck you.

The episode ends on a cliffhanger with Taylor undergoing a brief Voodoo ritual before storming back to the mainland to convince Nick to dump Corinne. In all likelihood, this last ditch effort will accomplish nothing, but for a moment it will have been nice to see a smart, accomplished woman tell a loudmouthed bully to fuck off. If that’s the closest I can get to catharsis in The Bachelor, I’ll take it.

Gossip Squirrel 

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