Wednesday, March 8, 2017

The Bachelor: I'm Not One To Hold Grudges

Happy International Women's Day! It seems only fitting that today of all days we discuss both the highs and the lows of the female gender by recapping The Bachelor’s Women Tell All episode. Much like the history of women, Monday’s episode featured far more lows than highs and mostly revolved around their relationship to men.

Is this feminism? I don't even know anymore.

As is tradition, Monday's Women Tell All began with a short montage of Nick and Chris Harrison bursting into homes across LA to surprise Bachelor Nation (and for some reason, the Backstreet Boys) with their mere presence. Reactions to Nick ranged from vague recollection from the Backstreet Boys to sexual assault from upwards of 50 sorority sisters. I’m not kidding about the sexual assault either. Nick was tackled, groped, and prodded so extensively it looked more like an opening to Law & Order: SVU than an episode of The Bachelor.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduced the audience to Nick's rejected women (great band name by the way) most of which I feel like I'm seeing for the first time. Seconds after Chris Harrison completed his introductions, the women immediately began yelling over each other about this season's villain/entertainment savior, Corinne. For her part, Corinne doesn't engage in the bickering, instead opting to sit back and enjoy the fact that, once again, everyone is talking about her.

She's basically a lady Chad.

Once Chris Harrison regained control of his own show, he brought Liz on stage to talk about her time on the show. Season long viewers may remember Liz as the woman who had fucked Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding before The Bachelor filming began. On stage, Liz gave an impassioned speech to Chris Harrison and the other women not to define her and other women by their sexual past. It was a bold, moving speech with which I completely agree, but which was undercut by everything Liz has done on the show up until this point.

Since she stepped out of the limo on the first night, Liz has self-defined as "the woman who slept with Nick" in order to get more screen time. She repeatedly mused about whether or not Nick would remember her throughout the first night, and performed a dramatic reading recounting their sexual history during the first group date. If Liz is being defined by her sexual past, it's only because that is the only piece of information she has provided to date. I'm not saying that Liz is wrong about any of this, but she's also not helping the cause.

I would love to talk about something other than Liz's sex life.

Next, Chris Harrison brought Taylor to the hot seat for what felt like more of an execution than an interview. Taylor began by apologizing for not choosing her words more carefully before reiterating that Corinne's words hurt her and she would like an apology. Corinne responds by storming off the set for several seconds, only to return with her signature glass of champagne. The audience absolutely loved this, unlike Taylor and myself who just stared into the middle distance, wondering where our lives had gone wrong.

Corinne is next up in the hot seat, and for an all too brief moment she actually manages to make some lucid points. She says that in an environment like The Bachelor, it can be difficult to stand out, and that her outrageous behavior was simply an extension of her place on the show. I was honestly shocked by Corinne’s honesty and self-awareness. What I was not shocked by was her reversion back to her toddler-esque understanding of the world. “I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like me,” Corinne says after refusing to take responsibility for her own obnoxious behavior. Of course you don’t understand, Corinne. That’s the whole problem.

While Corinne continues to be confused by the world around her, Taylor decides to make one last ditch effort to solicit an apology. After making a second apology to Corinne, Taylor pauses before timidly asking, “Do you have anything to say to me?” “No” replied a stone face Corinne. She might as well have said, “No and go fuck yourself,” for how exasperated Taylor looked.

To top it all off, Corinne ended her segment by screaming “Cheese pasta!” at poor Chris Harrison and gave everyone in the audience a small dish of her macaroni and cheese knockoff. I don’t know what kind of low-rent Oprah Winfrey shit Corinne is trying to pull but it is deeply confusing.

"Yes! Eat your cheese pasta you simpletons! Shower me in your adoration!"

Kristina is next in the hot seat. After a brief recap of her time on the show, Kristina reminds everyone that opening up to people is difficult for her because her alcoholic mother abandoned Kristina at the age of six for eating food. Even by Russian standards, that might be the saddest story ever told. Kristina received a standing ovation for her lifetime of sadness, and to be honest I can’t think of a single joke to make about the entire segment. That’s how fucking sad this whole thing is.

From sad back to goofy, Nick finally emerges for his time in the hot seat. No sooner had he sat down than a woman named Lacey who looked so unfamiliar she might as well have been an audience member, asked Nick if she was friend-zoned. Nick, as he always does, mumbled and looked completely caught off guard by the question, and I really can’t blame him. It’s a bold move to call out a bachelor when you couldn’t even make it through the second week.

Kristina confronted Nick next, asking why she was let go when they had such a strong connection. Nick explained that there was nothing wrong with their relationship; he just had stronger connections with other women on the show. He reiterated that he cared for Kristina very much, and that she was a truly wonderful person. Before Kristina can answer him, however, fucking Daniellle L interrupts her to ask Nick why she was sent home. Are you shitting me right now Danielle? You’re going to interrupt a Russian orphan to cry some fake-ass tears at all of us right now? No, that is horseshit and you should feel bad for interrupting Kristina. I’m glad you were sent home. I wish it had been in the first week.

Seeing this face fills me with rage.

Nick’s time in the hot seat finally comes to an end as Chris Harrison announced the next segment by yelling, “I’ve got bloopers!” He says this every year, and every year I think bloopers might be a euphemism for diarrhea.

The final hot seat occupant was our next bachelorette, Rachel. She makes it very clear from the beginning that while she is proud to be the first African-American bachelorette, she does not want her race to define her tenure on the show. Nice try, Rachel. This is America. You’ll be lucky if you make it halfway through the first episode without someone asking to touch your hair.

That was everything from Women Tell All. Only one episode stands between myself and two months of Bachelor-less freedom. I figuratively cannot wait.


Gossip Squirrel

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