Happy International Women's Day! It seems only
fitting that today of all days we discuss both the highs and the lows of the
female gender by recapping The Bachelor’s
Women Tell All episode. Much like the history of women, Monday’s episode
featured far more lows than highs and mostly revolved around their relationship
to men.
Is this feminism? I don't even know anymore.
As is tradition, Monday's Women Tell
All began with a short montage of Nick and Chris Harrison bursting
into homes across LA to surprise Bachelor Nation (and for some reason, the
Backstreet Boys) with their mere presence. Reactions to Nick ranged from vague
recollection from the Backstreet Boys to sexual assault from upwards of 50
sorority sisters. I’m not kidding about the sexual assault either. Nick was
tackled, groped, and prodded so extensively it looked more like an opening to Law & Order: SVU than an episode of The Bachelor.
Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduced
the audience to Nick's rejected women (great band name by the way) most of
which I feel like I'm seeing for the first time. Seconds after Chris Harrison
completed his introductions, the women immediately began yelling over each
other about this season's villain/entertainment savior, Corinne. For her part,
Corinne doesn't engage in the bickering, instead opting to sit back and enjoy
the fact that, once again, everyone is talking about her.
She's basically a lady Chad.
Once Chris Harrison regained control of his
own show, he brought Liz on stage to talk about her time on the show. Season
long viewers may remember Liz as the woman who had fucked Nick at Jade and
Tanner's wedding before The Bachelor filming began. On stage,
Liz gave an impassioned speech to Chris Harrison and the other women not to
define her and other women by their sexual past. It was a bold, moving speech
with which I completely agree, but which was undercut by everything Liz has
done on the show up until this point.
Since she stepped out of the limo on the first
night, Liz has self-defined as "the woman who slept with Nick" in
order to get more screen time. She repeatedly mused about whether or not Nick
would remember her throughout the first night, and performed a dramatic reading
recounting their sexual history during the first group date. If Liz is being
defined by her sexual past, it's only because that is the only piece of
information she has provided to date. I'm not saying that Liz is wrong about
any of this, but she's also not helping the cause.
I would love to talk about something other than Liz's sex life.
Next, Chris Harrison brought Taylor to the hot
seat for what felt like more of an execution than an interview. Taylor began by
apologizing for not choosing her words more carefully before reiterating that
Corinne's words hurt her and she would like an apology. Corinne responds by
storming off the set for several seconds, only to return with her signature
glass of champagne. The audience absolutely loved this, unlike Taylor and
myself who just stared into the middle distance, wondering where our lives had
gone wrong.
Corinne is next up in the hot seat, and for an
all too brief moment she actually manages to make some lucid points. She says
that in an environment like The Bachelor,
it can be difficult to stand out, and that her outrageous behavior was simply
an extension of her place on the show. I was honestly shocked by Corinne’s
honesty and self-awareness. What I was not shocked by was her reversion back to
her toddler-esque understanding of the world. “I can’t understand why anyone
wouldn’t like me,” Corinne says after refusing to take responsibility for her
own obnoxious behavior. Of course you don’t understand, Corinne. That’s the
whole problem.
While Corinne continues to be confused by the
world around her, Taylor decides to make one last ditch effort to solicit an apology.
After making a second apology to Corinne, Taylor pauses before timidly asking,
“Do you have anything to say to me?” “No” replied a stone face Corinne. She
might as well have said, “No and go fuck yourself,” for how exasperated Taylor
looked.
To top it all off, Corinne ended her segment
by screaming “Cheese pasta!” at poor Chris Harrison and gave everyone in the
audience a small dish of her macaroni and cheese knockoff. I don’t know what
kind of low-rent Oprah Winfrey shit Corinne is trying to pull but it is deeply
confusing.
"Yes! Eat your cheese pasta you simpletons! Shower me in your adoration!"
Kristina is next in the hot seat. After a
brief recap of her time on the show, Kristina reminds everyone that opening up
to people is difficult for her because her alcoholic mother abandoned Kristina
at the age of six for eating food. Even by Russian standards, that might be the
saddest story ever told. Kristina received a standing ovation for her lifetime
of sadness, and to be honest I can’t think of a single joke to make about the
entire segment. That’s how fucking sad this whole thing is.
From sad back to goofy, Nick finally emerges
for his time in the hot seat. No sooner had he sat down than a woman named
Lacey who looked so unfamiliar she might as well have been an audience member,
asked Nick if she was friend-zoned. Nick, as he always does, mumbled and looked
completely caught off guard by the question, and I really can’t blame him. It’s
a bold move to call out a bachelor when you couldn’t even make it through the
second week.
Kristina confronted Nick next, asking why she
was let go when they had such a strong connection. Nick explained that there
was nothing wrong with their relationship; he just had stronger connections
with other women on the show. He reiterated that he cared for Kristina very
much, and that she was a truly wonderful person. Before Kristina can answer
him, however, fucking Daniellle L interrupts her to ask Nick why she was sent
home. Are you shitting me right now Danielle? You’re going to interrupt a
Russian orphan to cry some fake-ass tears at all of us right now? No, that is
horseshit and you should feel bad for interrupting Kristina. I’m glad you were
sent home. I wish it had been in the first week.
Seeing this face fills me with rage.
Nick’s time in the hot seat finally comes to
an end as Chris Harrison announced the next segment by yelling, “I’ve got
bloopers!” He says this every year, and every year I think bloopers might be a
euphemism for diarrhea.
The final hot seat occupant was our next
bachelorette, Rachel. She makes it very clear from the beginning that while she
is proud to be the first African-American bachelorette, she does not want her
race to define her tenure on the show. Nice try, Rachel. This is America.
You’ll be lucky if you make it halfway through the first episode without
someone asking to touch your hair.
That was everything from Women Tell All. Only one episode stands
between myself and two months of Bachelor-less
freedom. I figuratively cannot wait.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
No comments:
Post a Comment