If the finale episode of The Bachelor succeeded
in anything, it is in becoming a true reality show. The
traditional spats and sweeping generalizations about love and its importance to
the human condition gave way to something more pragmatic and real this season.
There was almost no "here for the right reasons”, “not here to make
friends", or even "suck a dick, Chris Harrison". Nick and
his now public fiancée Vanessa were open about the difficulties they face both
as a celebrity couple and a long distance couple. Hell, even the scorned Raven
was realistic and understanding about Nick's decision, refusing to publicly
badmouth either him or Vanessa during her time. For the first time in a long
while, I actually agree with Chris Harrison's annual assessment of "This
season will be unlike anything you've seen before."
I can't believe I'm saying this, but Chris Harrison is actually right.
The episode opened with the reintroduction of
Nick's family, who have grown increasingly nervous about his decision making
abilities. Honestly, they have good reason to be worried. On three
separate occasions Nick has had relationships with brunette women end painfully
in primetime and now he's bringing home two more brunette women with a smile on
his face. At a certain point it's got to feel like watching Sisyphus roll a
boulder up the hill. We all appreciate the effort, but let it go. It's not
going to happen.
Raven is the first to (re)meet Nick's family,
and puts them at ease almost immediately. Nick's youngest sister has been a fan
of Raven's since they first met in Waukesha, and his dad refers to her as
"mature" and "a good fit". Even Nick's mom liked Raven, an
astounding feat considering at this point meeting the women who will eventually
crush her son has almost become a yearly tradition for Mrs. Viall.
Paying for Nick's mistakes for the last 35 years.
The family's response to Vanessa was far more
tepid. This was in part due to Raven's natural charisma, but also Vanessa's
honesty about her hesitations. Not only is Vanessa openly skeptical about
accepting a proposal from Nick, she worries that their hard headedness will
ultimately be their downfall. "Is love enough to make a relationship
work?" she asks Nick's father in a pleading voice. "No," he says
after a pause, "that's a cliché… a relationship requires commitment and selflessness."
It's actually kind of amazing this conversation made it to air considering it
undermines the whole idea of The Bachelor.
With family time behind him, Nick
prepares for his final dates of the season. The first last date goes to
Vanessa, whom Nick takes horseback riding to Santa Claus’ cabin in the middle
of a Finnish forest. Not one to let an opportunity go to waste, Nick asks Santa
for true love, while Vanessa asks him for happiness. Since he traffics in
tangible gifts over esoteric concepts, Santa gives them a piece of wood with
their picture on it.
I wish I was making any/all of this up, but it
was all depressingly real.
Santa and The Bachelor has always been a bad idea.
Leaving Santa in his cabin, Nick and
Vanessa sit by a campfire to talk. Vanessa immediately admits that she is not
content to simply have the best connection with Nick on the show. She wants to
be the one true somebody for Nick. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one wondering if
Vanessa had heard of The Bachelor
before signing up, because that’s almost a literal description of the show.
Vanessa carried her concerns into the evening
portion of the date, where she tells Nick that the show does not feel romantic
like she hoped it would. Nick points out that of course it isn’t as romantic as
she would like because Raven was still in the running. This makes Vanessa burst
into tears. Nick meanwhile looks around confused because he is a stupid, stupid
man.
Also, Santa lives is kind of a shit hole.
After Nick left Vanessa crying, he met with
Raven for the final final date of the season. Nick and Raven ice skate on a
frozen lake, all the while remaining the fun loving, goofy couple they have
been all season. After a brief make out session on the ice, Nick surprises
Raven with a literal armful of Siberian Husky puppies to play with. I’m not
sure how Vanessa got “trip to glorified Mall Santa” for a date and Raven ended
up with skating, making out, and puppies, but if I were Raven, I wouldn’t be
complaining.
Later that night, Raven tried to console a
stressed out Nick. He admits that while he doesn’t know which woman he will
ultimately choose, Raven has made his day better. He also waxes rhapsodic about
Raven’s loyalty, passion, and sense of humor. Nick even goes so far as to say
he knows he would have a great life with Raven and she makes him proud to have
her in his life. Boy, if I said all this nice stuff about Raven and didn’t pick
her I sure would feel like an absolute asshole…
Pictured: An absolute asshole
Of course, Nick doesn’t pick Raven. When the
final Rose Ceremony of the season begins, Raven’s is the first car to arrive.
She confidently walks inside and immediately begins telling Nick how in love
with him she is and how she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him. In
return, Nick lets out a long sigh and Raven immediately realizes her time with
him has come to an end. Instead of crying or pleading with him, Raven is stoic
till the end. When Nick says, “I’m going to miss you,” Raven responds with a
simple, “I know.” I can’t believe I just watched Nick Viall get Han Solo’d
during a Rose Ceremony. We truly live in a golden age of television.
To her credit, Raven was emotionless until the
very end. Even riding away from Nick in the car, she didn’t manage to shed a
tear. As someone who was raised in a Midwestern Catholic household, I can
respect that level of emotional repression. A+ work, Raven.
Why talk about your feelings when you can pretend they don't exist?
After Raven's departure, a nervous Vanessa
arrives to see Nick. The two exchange the usual finale level declarations of
love before Nick gets down on one knee to propose. "Vranessa Gummaldi"
Nick mumbles, "will you marry me?" Vanessa must have assumed he was
talking to her, and accepted his proposal as the episode came to an end.
After The Final Rose was, in large part, a reflection of the season as a whole. Nick came
out first and admitted that he had a difficult decision, but was ultimately
confident. Raven then joined him and said that she tried to be light hearted
for Nick in order to ease the tension. The two left the stage amicably before
Vanessa came out and admitted that she might not have had a great grasp on the
mechanics of the show or she wouldn’t have acted so awkwardly towards Nick.
Upon hearing this, I was perhaps the least surprised I have ever been in my
entire life.
Eventually, Nick and Vanessa take the stage
for the first time as a couple. Unlike past seasons, there was no love struck
talk of marriage dates or excitement. Vanessa admitted that a combination of
distance and celebrity made their relationship extraordinarily difficult. Nick
even went so far as to scoff at Chris Harrison’s suggestion of a wedding,
saying “We’re still getting to know each other.” While I get what Nick is
saying, he lost the right to scoff at weddings when he got down on one knee and
proposed.
Pictures like this lose Nick the right to do most things.
To end the night, Chris Harrison brings out
new Bachelorette Rachel Lindsay for a brief interview. Rachel says that she is
humbled and excited to begin her new journey, and has been shocked at how
welcoming Bachelor fans have been, and basically just
reiterates everything she said on Women Tell All. At first it
seemed like Rachel's interview would be the same old filler Bachelor fans
have come to accept from the show. However, Chris Harrison used the opportunity
to reveal his massive, dramatic, earth shattering surprise, which made this
segment an entirely new kind of filler.
Instead of waiting until mid-May, Chris
excitedly announces that Rachel will begin meeting her suitors right now. If
meeting your potential husband in front of a studio audience sounds like an
extremely awkward proposition, that's because it was. None of the men seemed to
have strong camera awareness, and one contestant exclaimed, “I’m going black
and I’ll never go back!”
Are you kidding me? It’s not even May and
already I have to listen to clueless white guys say blatantly racist shit to
the first black Bachelorette. I know this is America and racist shit is the
norm, but I thought I could at least go five weeks without being forced to
write about it. All I expected was to read about it, live through it, and
accidentally take part it in. You know, normal American shit.
Oh well, see you next season.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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