It’s been a weird week for me. Between being off last week
and spending most of my time this week making fun of the influx of 14 year-olds
running through town trying to catch invisible Pokémon, I nearly forgot to
watch last night’s episode of The
Bachelorette. There was something deeply satisfying in watching squinty
teenagers who hadn’t seen the sun in weeks amble by my office window in search
of a Jigglypuff. In fact, I wanted to devote this entire post to making fun of
them. Then I remembered that while they were getting exercise outdoors, I was
sitting under fluorescent lights writing about the dumbest show I have ever
seen.
Wait... Why am I doing this?
This week’s episode opened with a surprisingly astute
observation from real life Ken doll, Robbie. As he puts it, “this show is an
emotional roller coaster.” While Robbie is normally more boring than an
actual Ken doll, he’s right on this point. Much like an actual roller
coaster, The Bachelorette is
unpredictable, creates the illusion of importance, and in the end drops you off
right where you started. This certainly isn’t what Robbie meant but that
doesn’t make him any less right.
After arriving in the destination of the week, Argentina,
Chris Harrison approaches the guys to let them know that there will be not two,
but three one-on-one dates this week. Both the contestants and myself were
upset about this. The guys realized that this meant things were getting serious
between them and JoJo and there was no longer any room to hide behind the
format of the show if they wanted to stay. Alternatively, I realized that I had
to watch a group of idiots repeat meaningless “I love you’s” to a woman who was
a borderline stranger. Pokémon Go is looking pretty good right about now.
"I'm gonna catch me a Hodor... or whatever."
The first solo date of the evening goes to Alex, who has been
complaining for weeks about not having enough time with JoJo. The two head to
an Argentine ranch where they will learn about the Gaucho lifestyle. While
traveling, Alex promptly makes good use of their date time by eating as many
Pringles as he can, and pointing out things he can see from their car window.
It’s no wonder JoJo hasn’t gone on a date with Alex yet; he’s already acting
like more of a little brother than a grown man worthy of a fantasy suite.
Once at the ranch, JoJo and Alex learn about the Gaucho
lifestyle, which apparently consists of spooning horses and looking fabulous in
XXL pants. The couple dons their ceremonial Gaucho attire and watch a
demonstration of a real-life Gaucho’s relationship with a horse. Within
minutes, the Gaucho is able to make the horse lie down and perform a variety of
tricks. JoJo and Alex then decide they want to try to tame the horse, and
proceed to lie down next to it. They immediately begin making out on top of the
prone equestrian. Even the horse realizes that this wasn’t even a trick in the
streetwalking sense and lies perfectly still with a panicked look in its eyes.
"For the love of God... make him put it away!"
With the horse fucking behind them, Alex and JoJo sit down
to dinner. Alex immediately proclaims that this is the happiest day of his life
and that he loves JoJo. Look, I get that hyperbole is a thing (just read any
sentence of this blog) but to say that your first date with a woman is the
happiest moment of your life straddles a line between sad and psychosis.
JoJo immediately picks up on Alex’s insanity and tells him
that she doesn’t feel as strongly about him. As much as she thinks he’s a great
guy (he isn’t),she just can’t reciprocate his feelings. With heavy heart, JoJo
sends Alex home to creep out other women.
After Alex left, literally unceremoniously, JoJo took Jordan
to a vineyard for her next date. Jordan attempts to get out in front of the
rumors that he is a spoiled little brat by telling JoJo that all the guys in
the house think he is a spoiled little brat. He then tells her that he couldn’t
possibly be a spoiled little brat because his famous older brother doesn’t like
him. Somehow this strategy works.
Clearly it doesn't take much to impress JoJo
JoJo is soothed by Jordan’s clueless remarks (and apparent
hatred of the Green Bay Packers) and challenges him to a grape stomping competition.
After the two have mangled grapes with their feet, they drink the foot juice
because they are so drunk on actual wine they can no longer tell the
difference.
Non-accomplished Jordan finishes throwing his accomplished
brother under the bus just in time for the group date. Because it is raining,
and The Bachelorette producers are
unfamiliar with the idea of a contingency plan, JoJo takes Chance, Robbie, and
James Taylor back to her suite for a faux-slumber party. Never having been to a
slumber party, James Taylor immediately tries to fit as many french fries into
his mouth as possible. Like James Taylor, I have never been invited to a
slumber party. Unlike James Taylor, I am not stupid enough to play a game of
“see how big my mouth is” in front of my crush.
The date continues with a game of truth or dare. JoJo dares
Robbie to run through the halls in his underwear, which the former swimmer
nervously accepts. Robbie talks about what an uncomfortable situation this is
before taking off his shirt to reveal impeccably tight six pack abs. I get that
Robbie was nervous, but if you want to see true courage, challenge a 28
year-old Bachelor blogger with a gut
to run around half-naked. That takes true courage.
This man is my god.
Midway through the date, James Taylor tattles on Robbie for
looking at other women when JoJo isn’t around. Robbie denies the accusations
while nervously laughing and avoiding contact. James Taylor revels in
destroying another human’s joy. Chase silently stares into space. Basically no
one looked good during the date.
In the end, JoJo gives the date rose to Robbie. Chase and
James Taylor leave confused about how she could have a significant connection
with another guy. It’s now deep enough in this post for me to get real salty
and say that no one on this show can conceive of a world without themselves in
it and should be doomed to die alone.
Now that that is out
of my system…
Who am I kidding? This will never be out of my system.
The final date of the evening was Luke’s. He and JoJo spent
all of eight minutes riding horses and trap shooting before she sent him home.
Apparently it only took JoJo one commercial break to decide that Luke’s tight
butt was worth keeping around. I wish I could write more about the date, but
that was basically it. JoJo was so
enthralled by Luke’s butt she cut short the entire episode just to move closer
to the fantasy suite.
With her mind made up, JoJo arrives at the rose ceremony and
swiftly eliminates delta male James Taylor, who has been lamenting his role on
the show since week one. He and JoJo share a tearful goodbye before he is
escorted to a car and sent home.
Watching The
Bachelorette for two hours and writing for four hours has made one thing
abundantly clear. I need to get outside. Pokemon Go, here I come.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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