If I learned one thing from last week’s episode of The Bachelorette, and it is very
possible that this was the only thing I have ever learned from this show, it is
that JoJo is only interested in one very specific kind of guy. After watching
four hometown dates with tall skinny white guys, all of whom have perfectly
coiffed hair and just a touch of five o’clock shadow over their massive chins, it
was almost impossible not to draw that conclusion. Unfortunately for anyone
watching, JoJo’s homogenous choice in guys means we were basically treated to
the same date four times in a row. Oh how I long for the days of Chad and Evan
squabbling about the price of v-necks or whatever that was.
Not that identical contestants have been a problem in the past...
The first date of the week takes JoJo to Highlands Ranch,
Colorado to meet Chase. No sooner had she landed and kissed Chase hello, than
he took a deep breath and declared, “I come from a broken home.” JoJo waited
expectantly for Chase to say something shocking before realizing his parent’s
divorce was supposed to be the shocking thing.
I’m not saying that a child watching their parents divorce
isn’t painful, but calling it a “broken home” is a little extreme in 2016. A
broken home is finding out that your sister is actually your mother, or that
your parents are cousins, or that your dad is both your second cousin and your
uncle. If anyone can make a family tree for that last one I’d really appreciate
it.
see above: My family tree
Because of Chase’s “broken home” JoJo has to meet his
parents separately, beginning with his dad. Within second’s of his arrival,
Chase asks his father why he divorced Chase’s mother. This was obviously a
staged question because Chase’s dad doesn’t immediately respond by saying,
“What’s wrong with you? You’re 27 years old and just now asking me about this?
That happened 19 years ago!” Instead, he gives a boring response about climbing
the corporate ladder, which Chase ignores because this whole segment was stupid
and staged.
After extracting the necessary responses from his father,
Chase and JoJo went to meet his mother and the “non-broken” side of his family.
Chase’s mother (Sandy) takes an immediate liking to JoJo. After repeatedly
telling both her son and the producers how great JoJo is, she tells Chase that
she loves him and the two immediately burst into tears. I won’t even pretend to
make fun of this, because mother-son bonding basically reduces me to a teary
eyed, sentimental mess.
JoJo leaves, but not before Chase grabs her to say, “he is
falling in love with” her. To her credit, JoJo responds very politely instead
of pulling away and shouting, “I barely know you weirdo!” Well played, JoJo.
Still thinking about that mother-son bonding.
Leaving Chase with his broken family, JoJo next travels to
Chico, California to join Jordan’s slightly less broken family. Jordan takes
her on a walking tour of Chico, presumably because the town is too rich to have
taxis. The two arrive at his former high school (which ironically has stolen
the Minnesota Vikings logo, the rival team of his brother, Aaron) for a look
back at Jordan’s former days of relevance. Mere minutes after looking at gawky
high school pictures of Jordan, JoJo pulls him into the library for a mid day
make out session in the stacks. Keep in mind that school was still clearly in
session during this time. The fact that no one stopped what is definitely a sex
crime was deeply disturbing.
Seriously... It's so little...
Once JoJo and Jordan finish groping each other in front of
teenagers, they head to his parents’ house. JoJo is nervous to meet the parents’
Rodgers because, “I’m the first girl Jordan is bringing home that is a complete
stranger.” To whom, JoJo? You’re a stranger to his family, sure, but you’ve
also only been on two previous dates with Jordan himself, so you’re ostensibly
a stranger to him as well.
The rest of the date is devoted to Jordan’s lack of a
relationship with his famous older brother. JoJo asks everyone in Jordan’s
family what happened between the brothers, but gets little more than confused
looks and awkward silence. When she asks Jordan for a third time why he doesn’t
speak to his brother, Jordan stares off into space and mumbles something about
not talking to Aaron anymore. At this point there are only three options that
explain Jordan’s unwillingness to discuss his fraternal relationship.
1) Aaron did something legitimately terrible, which
Jordan cannot bring himself discuss beyond vague hints.
2) Jordan is too stupid to remember why he doesn’t
speak to Aaron anymore and covers it up by pretending to be sad.
3) Jordan is making this all up for attention, and
doesn’t think JoJo has the ability to fact check his claims on the internet.
I’m putting my money on 2 or 3.
"It's hard, ya know? Cause I'm brooding and have thoughts."
Before JoJo leaves, she pulls Jordan aside to confess that
she is worried he won’t want a long term relationship once the show ends.
Instead of doing the normal human thing and trying to console the woman he
supposedly loves, Jordan gets upset and tells JoJo to, “never doubt me.” I’m
not sure if it was a lack of conviction or defeatism, but JoJo agreed to
Jordan’s demands without question.
You see this, women of America? Shows like this are why guys
like this think that can treat you… like this. Ok, that wasn’t well written but
you get my point.
M'JoJo
JoJo next travels to the horrid state of Florida for a date
with Robbie, a grown man who could only figure out the bottom button of his
dress shirt.
"Eventually I'll get around to actually buttoning my shirt."
Robbie and JoJo ride in a horse drawn carriage through the
less rednecky parts of St. Augustine before meeting Robbie’s family. Upon
arriving at the family house, Robbie’s dad tells JoJo to call him “coach,”
presumably because this better defines his relationship to his children than
“father” ever could.
While talking with Robbie’s mother, JoJo says that she is
“falling in love” with Robbie and confesses that she hasn’t even told him that
yet. I don’t know if JoJo is hoping that Robbie’s mom will pass the message on
to him like a junior high game of relationship telephone or she just had too
much wine, but this was a very strange way to confess your love for someone.
Some time after that, Robbie’s mother pulls Robbie aside to
tell him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate is accusing him of dumping his ex in
order to go on the show. Robbie immediately freaks out, not because the
accusations aren’t true, but because he doesn’t want JoJo to hear them and
break up with him. For the record, that’s not a valid reason on which to base
your innocence. Truth, honesty, and a sense of justice are reasons to claim
innocence. Robbie’s “I just don’t want to be caught,” is an almost literal
admission of guilt.
"I just don't want people to think I'm a rapist."
Robbie eventually tells JoJo about the accusations against
him, about which she is rightfully upset. JoJo, thinking she may have caught
Robbie in a lie, asks, “But what would be the benefit of your ex’s roommate
saying something that wasn’t true?” Really JoJo? Of all the problems you have
with this situation, you question why a human being would ever want to lie?
Either JoJo isn’t listening to herself speak, or she’s never tried lying
before. If you’ve never tried lying before, you really should. It’s amazing.
You can get people to believe anything. Sex, power, a moderately successful
reality TV show blog… they’re all attainable through the power of lying.
In a frantic attempt to keep JoJo from disemboweling him,
Robbie tries to soothe her fears that he is still hung up on his ex girlfriend.
“My relationship with Hope was over 9 months before it ended,” Robbie says. For
a second I thought Robbie was a depressed nihilist like myself and I actually
felt a twinge of affection for the plastic headed little guy. Then I realized
that Hope was the name of his ex-girlfriend and promptly resumed my unyielding
contempt.
Speaking of a lack of hope...
With questions of Robbie’s potential fidelity still fresh in
her mind, JoJo returned to her home state of Texas for her final hometown date
with Luke. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t been the biggest fan of
Luke this season. His sincerity and charm, combined with being really, really,
ridiculously good looking, put me on the defensive at first. But damn if Luke’s
date with JoJo wasn’t one of the most perfect Bachelorette things I’ve ever seen. Let me explain.
The Bachelorette thrives on creating augmented realities which
essentially trick contestants into feeling things they otherwise would not
feel. Every week, contestants are treated to lavish, once in a lifetime
experiences that create an illusion of love in the place of cheap thrills and
endorphin rushes. Luke managed to brilliantly subvert this trope by making the
entirety of his date a very normal “Texas barbecue” with dozens of his family
members and friends. While it may not be a weekly occurance, it is certainly
more common than reconciling with a divorced father, touring a high school, or
a horse drawn carriage ride. Luke somehow managed to make The Bachelorette normal.
And for what it’s worth, JoJo loved it. She met literally
everyone Luke has ever known in a situation that was already familiar to her as
a fellow Texan. She spent time with his parents, siblings, and friends and
could hardly spare a moment without a huge smile on her face. Luke even ended
the date with a lasting embrace in a field underneath a gorgeous Texas sunset.
The two could barely tear themselves apart as the night drew to a close.
"The fuck is this pressure in my chest... feelings?"
So you can imagine my shock when later at the rose ceremony,
JoJo declares that she wants to send Luke home. According to our Bachelorette, the fact that Luke has not
yet expressed his love appropriately by saying the words “I love you” means
their relationship is not where it should be.
For her to get to this point means that she is either incapable of
understanding actions as intent, or she does not actually care for “normal
life” with someone, a value she has been espousing since week one.
Perhaps he sensed JoJo’s desires, or perhaps he was goaded
by the producers, but before she can begin handing out roses, Luke pulls JoJo
aside and tells her that he is in love with her. JoJo thanks him, and
immediately begins questioning her previous decision to send Luke home. She
breaks into tears as the screen fades to black…
“To be continued”
I legit should have made this the whole blog.
I said it in the beginning and I’ll say it again. JoJo is
clearly attracted to a very particular kind of guy. The fact that she wanted to
dump Luke, the one man on the show with whom she had a deep connection free
from dishonesty and trust issues was pretty depressing. And before you say it,
yes I realize that everything I’m saying sounds like I’m defending the “nice
guy” who has been put in the “friend-zone” by his crush. I'll say it right now, those guys are useless misogynists who cannot conceive of women as autonomous or creatures independent from their own lives.
Luke is different. For once on this show, it would have been nice to see
normalcy win out over the manufactured glamor that so often dominates The Bachelorette’s landscape. For once
it would have been nice to see two people on a wonderfully common and beautiful
date come together to defy the obscene tribute to surface emotion that this
show has become. For once I would just like to watch this show and actually
root for a normal human to win without having ulterior motives.
But this is The
Bachelorette, what else did I expect?
See you next week for two episodes,
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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