The Bachelor: I'm Not One To Hold Grudges

Happy International Women's Day! It seems only fitting that today of all days we discuss both the highs and the lows of the female gender by recapping The Bachelor’s Women Tell All episode. Much like the history of women, Monday’s episode featured far more lows than highs and mostly revolved around their relationship to men.

Is this feminism? I don't even know anymore.

As is tradition, Monday's Women Tell All began with a short montage of Nick and Chris Harrison bursting into homes across LA to surprise Bachelor Nation (and for some reason, the Backstreet Boys) with their mere presence. Reactions to Nick ranged from vague recollection from the Backstreet Boys to sexual assault from upwards of 50 sorority sisters. I’m not kidding about the sexual assault either. Nick was tackled, groped, and prodded so extensively it looked more like an opening to Law & Order: SVU than an episode of The Bachelor.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduced the audience to Nick's rejected women (great band name by the way) most of which I feel like I'm seeing for the first time. Seconds after Chris Harrison completed his introductions, the women immediately began yelling over each other about this season's villain/entertainment savior, Corinne. For her part, Corinne doesn't engage in the bickering, instead opting to sit back and enjoy the fact that, once again, everyone is talking about her.

She's basically a lady Chad.

Once Chris Harrison regained control of his own show, he brought Liz on stage to talk about her time on the show. Season long viewers may remember Liz as the woman who had fucked Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding before The Bachelor filming began. On stage, Liz gave an impassioned speech to Chris Harrison and the other women not to define her and other women by their sexual past. It was a bold, moving speech with which I completely agree, but which was undercut by everything Liz has done on the show up until this point.

Since she stepped out of the limo on the first night, Liz has self-defined as "the woman who slept with Nick" in order to get more screen time. She repeatedly mused about whether or not Nick would remember her throughout the first night, and performed a dramatic reading recounting their sexual history during the first group date. If Liz is being defined by her sexual past, it's only because that is the only piece of information she has provided to date. I'm not saying that Liz is wrong about any of this, but she's also not helping the cause.

I would love to talk about something other than Liz's sex life.

Next, Chris Harrison brought Taylor to the hot seat for what felt like more of an execution than an interview. Taylor began by apologizing for not choosing her words more carefully before reiterating that Corinne's words hurt her and she would like an apology. Corinne responds by storming off the set for several seconds, only to return with her signature glass of champagne. The audience absolutely loved this, unlike Taylor and myself who just stared into the middle distance, wondering where our lives had gone wrong.

Corinne is next up in the hot seat, and for an all too brief moment she actually manages to make some lucid points. She says that in an environment like The Bachelor, it can be difficult to stand out, and that her outrageous behavior was simply an extension of her place on the show. I was honestly shocked by Corinne’s honesty and self-awareness. What I was not shocked by was her reversion back to her toddler-esque understanding of the world. “I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like me,” Corinne says after refusing to take responsibility for her own obnoxious behavior. Of course you don’t understand, Corinne. That’s the whole problem.

While Corinne continues to be confused by the world around her, Taylor decides to make one last ditch effort to solicit an apology. After making a second apology to Corinne, Taylor pauses before timidly asking, “Do you have anything to say to me?” “No” replied a stone face Corinne. She might as well have said, “No and go fuck yourself,” for how exasperated Taylor looked.

To top it all off, Corinne ended her segment by screaming “Cheese pasta!” at poor Chris Harrison and gave everyone in the audience a small dish of her macaroni and cheese knockoff. I don’t know what kind of low-rent Oprah Winfrey shit Corinne is trying to pull but it is deeply confusing.

"Yes! Eat your cheese pasta you simpletons! Shower me in your adoration!"

Kristina is next in the hot seat. After a brief recap of her time on the show, Kristina reminds everyone that opening up to people is difficult for her because her alcoholic mother abandoned Kristina at the age of six for eating food. Even by Russian standards, that might be the saddest story ever told. Kristina received a standing ovation for her lifetime of sadness, and to be honest I can’t think of a single joke to make about the entire segment. That’s how fucking sad this whole thing is.

From sad back to goofy, Nick finally emerges for his time in the hot seat. No sooner had he sat down than a woman named Lacey who looked so unfamiliar she might as well have been an audience member, asked Nick if she was friend-zoned. Nick, as he always does, mumbled and looked completely caught off guard by the question, and I really can’t blame him. It’s a bold move to call out a bachelor when you couldn’t even make it through the second week.

Kristina confronted Nick next, asking why she was let go when they had such a strong connection. Nick explained that there was nothing wrong with their relationship; he just had stronger connections with other women on the show. He reiterated that he cared for Kristina very much, and that she was a truly wonderful person. Before Kristina can answer him, however, fucking Daniellle L interrupts her to ask Nick why she was sent home. Are you shitting me right now Danielle? You’re going to interrupt a Russian orphan to cry some fake-ass tears at all of us right now? No, that is horseshit and you should feel bad for interrupting Kristina. I’m glad you were sent home. I wish it had been in the first week.

Seeing this face fills me with rage.

Nick’s time in the hot seat finally comes to an end as Chris Harrison announced the next segment by yelling, “I’ve got bloopers!” He says this every year, and every year I think bloopers might be a euphemism for diarrhea.

The final hot seat occupant was our next bachelorette, Rachel. She makes it very clear from the beginning that while she is proud to be the first African-American bachelorette, she does not want her race to define her tenure on the show. Nice try, Rachel. This is America. You’ll be lucky if you make it halfway through the first episode without someone asking to touch your hair.

That was everything from Women Tell All. Only one episode stands between myself and two months of Bachelor-less freedom. I figuratively cannot wait.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: I May Be White, But I'm Still A Minority

Full disclosure, I will only be recapping the first hour of last night’s three hour marathon tonight. There is no way I have enough brain power this late in the season to watch three hours of The Bachelor, write about the show, and remember to keep breathing. Don’t worry- the Women Tell All recap will be up tomorrow.

60 minutes of this goon is more than enough for me, thank you very much.

The episode began with Raven leaving her fantasy suite after a night with Nick.  To this point, Raven has not been shy about her sex life, reminiscing about the time she beat her ex with his mistress’ stiletto or the fact that the same ex never managed to make her orgasm. While leaving Nick’s bungalow, however, Raven suddenly found her modesty, saying, “Nick is very good at what he does,” and “I left satisfied.” What the hell is that, Raven? I was counting on you for specifics! Foreplay, moves, precise penis measurements: these were all things Bachelor Nation was counting on you to provide! Meanwhile, you’re over here treating this relationship with respect and discretion. No thanks.

After Raven left, Nick went on his second date of the week with Rachel. The two attempted to cross country ski, which was an unmitigated disaster. I’m sure at some point Rachel managed to travel more than six feet without toppling into the snow, but we never saw it on the show. After her umpteenth fall, Rachel defends herself, saying “I’ve never done this before!” While that may be true, Rachel also went to school in Wisconsin, so there’s basically no excuse for not being mobile in the snow.

At dinner, Rachel tells Nick about how hard it is for her to share her feelings. After some encouragement, both liquid and verbal, Rachel is eventually goaded into telling Nick that she is falling in love with him. Having said the magic words, Nick and Rachel rush off to the fantasy suite to enjoy some private time. I can’t help but think the beauty of this moment was undercut by the preexisting knowledge that Nick will dump Rachel soon.

I know I say this every year, but I'm legitimately excited for next season.

The final date of the evening went to Vanessa and it truly was one of the more confusing things I have see on The Bachelor. The two briefly warmed up in a sauna before running out into the snow and jumping into a frozen lake. After only a few seconds in the freezing water, Nick and Vanessa scampered back into the sauna to warm up, only to jump back into the freezing water again… and again… and again. This was deeply satisfying to watch in a schadenfreude sort of way.

Once the pair was finally out of the water for good, Nick and Vanessa went to dinner. After briefly talking politely and quietly about what big and boisterous personalities they have, Nick asked Vanessa if she was willing to compromise in the relationship. Vanessa quickly says no and asks if Nick was willing to accept her “three-hour Sunday tradition.” At first, I thought Vanessa was asking Nick to come to church with her. But as it turns out, she was asking him to come to lunch with her family. I honestly don’t know which sounds worse.

Both Nick and Vanessa continued to bring up huge obstacles in their relationship throughout the night. The couple can’t seem to determine where they should live, who they should spend time with, or what they should do for a living. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if one of these two forgot the other’s name, that’s how little they know about each other.

After listing off everything wrong with their relationship, Nick again compliments himself and Vanessa on having “big personalities” and offers her a night in the fantasy suite. She accepts because, like Nick, Vanessa does not seem to have a functional understanding of what a healthy relationship is.

I miss the days when Vanessa was the voice of reason.

At the season’s penultimate rose ceremony, Nick wastes no time in eliminating Rachel. Despite coercing her into saying she was “falling in love with him”, Nick did not seem to have a problem sending her home mere days later. I don’t hold a grudge against Nick or Rachel for what they did, but I will always hate The Bachelor for pulling shit like this on a consistent basis.

With only Raven and Vanessa left, it will be interesting to see where Nick’s final rose lies. Will it stupidly be with a woman 12-years his junior, or will it stupidly be with a woman with whom he shares no beliefs, values, or citizenship? I’d say I can’t wait to find out, but I’m pretty sure no matter what happens, I’ll leave disappointed.

Keep an eye out tomorrow evening for the Women Tell All recap!

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: They Can Tell Me With A Ring

When I first saw Andi Dorfman on the screen of last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I briefly thought it was 2014. It could have been forgetfulness, repression, or years of alcohol abuse, but for a brief moment I lived in a world where the last three years hadn’t happened. Obama was still president, 2016 hadn’t killed everyone we loved, and Bill Cosby’s mere existence wasn’t constantly bumming me out. It was a simpler time.

Remember when he was just an asshole, and not an asshole rapist?

Andi’s arrival on the show was teased as a moment that would test Nick’s relationship with the women. After a week of hemming and hawing about what the return of Nick’s ex-girlfriend could mean for the show, the answer became disappointingly obvious. Chris Harrison was obviously busy filming Who Wants to be a Millionaire and sent Andi Dorfman in his place to ask Nick leading questions about the women he was dating. This was a significant bummer.

After hinting that he might not choose anyone (which is 100% not true), Nick asks Andi if he should accept fantasy suite dates with the women. Andi thinks about what a weird question this is to ask your ex, before telling Nick that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and that he had earned fantasy suite time with these women. She then punctuated her answer by saying, “That’s my feminist rant.” I am not sure of many things in this world, but I am positive that telling your ex-boyfriend he has earned the right to fuck multiple women is not a feminist rant.

Gloria Steinem she is not.

Empowered by Andi’s own brand of feminism, Nick heads outside to the rose ceremony where four women have been waiting in frigid temperatures while he reminisced with his ex–girlfriend. I can only imagine that every woman would have walked off the show if they knew what he was doing inside.

The rose ceremony ended with Corinne being sent home. After weeks of near eliminations, Corinne finally said her tearful goodbyes. As Nick walked her out, Corinne uttered a particularly pathetic, “I’m sorry If I ever did anything to make you upset.” I genuinely felt bad for Corinne in this moment.

But like a phoenix from the ashes (or any good hero), Corinne rises and finds a new truth in the wake of her destruction. “I’m trying to say things that men think are appropriate,” she said through tears. “And you know what? I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them. I need that. So if someone feels that way about me they can come and tell me.” Now there’s your feminist rant, Andi.

Sadly the best feminist on ABC today.

Nick and the final three women then travel to Finland for the fantasy suite dates. The first and only date of the night goes to Raven, who repeatedly claims that she’s never said, “I love you,” to Nick, despite saying it twice in his hometown of Waukesha. Clearly Raven drank too much swamp water last week and is suffering memory loss because of it.

Eventually Raven is able to confess her love for Nick in a rather beautiful, if not lengthy, speech over dinner. Nick is moved nearly to the point of tears, saying, “That was one of the most meaningful moments of my life.” As someone who has watched the last three years of Nick’s life on TV, I have to agree with him on that.

"Next to my bracelet, your confession of love was the most meaningful thing in my life."

Raven tries to seize on this momentum by further telling Nick that not only has she only slept with one person before now, she has also never had an orgasm from said person. Nick does his best to pretend like Raven didn’t just put a huge amount of pressure on him, as she drags him to the fantasy suite. The episode ends with an excitable Raven and a grimacing Nick lying in bed, looking at the northern lights.

Next week’s three hour episode should provide some interesting insight on Women Tell All, the remaining fantasy suite dates, and whether or not Raven finally came. I honestly don’t want more information on any of those subjects.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: So... You Are A White

When I say last night’s episode of The Bachelor had it all, I mean it had it all. Where else could you see sexy swamp make outs, a semi-substantive conversation on race in America, a ludicrously expensive shopping spree, as well as a woman grossly confused about what show she was on, all in two hours? Nowhere, that’s where.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank you Chris Harrison.

For all the insanity it possessed, last night's episode actually began in a shockingly sweet way. With Kristina now departed (not dead, just gone), Nick opted to hold a private rose ceremony for the remaining women. He handed out roses to each of the four women before telling them how much they all mean to him and reassuring them before hometown dates. It was the first time all season I’ve actually liked Nick and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

The first hometown date sent Nick to meet Raven in rural Arkansas, though to be fair, all of Arkansas is rural Arkansas. To prove this point, Nick and Raven strap on helmets and go four-wheeling through a swamp before climbing to the top of a nearby grain silo. It's actually a miracle that no one died on this date. Four-wheeling with a helmet provides no real protection beyond the ability to have an open casket funeral and grain silos are so dangerous they actually have their own Wikipedia page.

Big steel killing machines.

Luckily a local police officer showed up before anyone died in the silo and immediately began scolding the couple for trespassing. At first, I thought it was odd for a local Arkansas cop to be patrolling random dirt roads, but then I remembered that Arkansas is basically one big dirt road. As it turns out, the cop was actually Raven's older brother pranking Nick. I'm not sure if the prank was, "Haha you thought you were going to get arrested!" or "Haha Raven's older brother is a cop who could make your life a living hell,if not end it all together, so make sure you never do anything to upset her." Either way, Nick was obviously uncomfortable.

Once Johnny Law left, Nick and Raven briefly returned to four-wheeling before deciding to strip down and make out in the swamp. The two grope each other in ankle deep muddy water before leaving the swamp, I assume, with leeches in their butts.

After cleaning themselves off (and hopefully taking care of the butt-leeches), Nick goes to visit Raven's family. The entire family was in a good mood due to Raven's father being recently declared cancer free, so there wasn't much Nick could do to ruin the date. After a brief meeting with both parents, Nick receives an ominous blessing from Raven's father, saying, "Alright, but I don't want no surprises." I’m not sure, but I think this was a threat for Nick to not get his daughter pregnant. Boy is he going to be upset when the fantasy suite rolls around next week.

Don't worry. The swamp water will prevent the pregnancy.

Putting Arkansas behind him, Nick travels to Dallas for his hometown date with Rachel. Not one to play games, Rachel immediately takes Nick to her predominately black church for a mid-day service. The logic here seems to be if he can hack it in a black church, he can hack it with a black girlfriend. To his credit, Nick actually does pretty well, although he looks like the Dave Chappelle version of a white guy the entire time.

After church, Rachel and Nick debrief about his experience and for the first time all season, Rachel brings up the fact that they are an interracial couple. I’m not saying the issue should have been brought up immediately, but the final week before she is likely sent home seems grossly late to have this discussion.

Then again, Nick responds by saying, “Well duh, I’m not colorblind,” while looking proud of himself. Maybe they weren’t ready to have this conversation after all.

"I understand the concept of race. What more could I possibly do?"

Nick then goes to meet Rachel’s family. Rachel’s sister, Constance, (who is also in an interracial relationship) pulls them aside to talk. Constance wants to ensure that both Nick and Rachel are ready for the inherent societal difficulties that come with being in an interracial relationship. Before she can speak, however, Constance’s white husband points at Nick and says, “So… you’re a white.” I’ll be honest, I didn’t hear the next minute of the show because I was laughing so hard.

Eventually, after I was able to calm down a little, Nick went on to speak to Rachel’s mom. Like the rest of the family, she expressed concern over neither Nick nor Rachel having seriously dated like this before. Nick tells her not to worry because he and Rachel haven’t even talked about it before today. After all, how big of a deal could it be if they haven’t even thought about it yet?

I’m not sure if it was a mother’s love or just general world weariness, but Rachel’s mom gave Nick her blessing to ask for her daughter’s hand in marriage.

"Fine. Take my blessing. At least Rachel won't be doing this shit ever again..."

Nick next rounded off his tour of terrible places in America by flying to Miami for a hometown date with Corinne. No sooner had he landed than Corinne dragged him off to a high-end retailer for a day of shopping. Nick was less than excited until he realized they were shopping for him and his eyes lit up. He tried on a handful of outfits before deciding on $3,000 worth of clothes he already has.

Oh, he also bought $800 sweatpants.

I cannot believe this is the same man who was worshiping in a black church mere hours ago and four-wheeling in a swamp hours before that. Nick is either a sociopath or the last true Renaissance Man. Take your pick.

Probably sociopath.

That evening, Nick met Corinne’s family and nanny Raquel. After an uneventful dinner, Corinne and her father go into a bedroom to talk. The two lay on a bed drinking wine and talking about boys, which is something no father and daughter have ever done, should do, or will ever do again in the future. Good lord that was awkward to watch.

Meanwhile, Nick talks to the woman who raised Corinne. No, not her mother, but Raquel the nanny. Raquel had nothing but good things to say about Corinne, though to be fair, her employment depended on it.

Nick then talks to Corinne’s dad who has some concerns about Nick’s ability to make money. Specifically, he wonders if Nick would be ok not being the breadwinner in the relationship. Nick is taken aback by this, not only because it’s 2017 and of course it’s fine for a woman to be the breadwinner in a relationship, but also because Corinne’s dad is drinking 15 year old, single malt scotch with fucking ice in it. Seriously, both of these are making me mad and I’m not sure which is more infuriating.

The date ends with Corinne’s family watching her and Nick leave from the window of their high-rise condo while Raquel clears the table by herself. Wow, Corinne was right. Raquel is just like a mom.

I'm positive this woman will qualify for sainthood.

Finally we come to the final date of the season with Vanessa’s family in Montreal. They visit Vanessa’s school and adult special education class. The students are all ecstatic to see Vanessa but maintain a healthy skepticism of Nick. Me too, guys. Me too.

After receiving a scrapbook made by her students, Vanessa takes Nick to meet her parents. Because her parents are divorced, Nick is forced to meet them individually. First they head to Vanessa’s mom’s house for dinner with 15 of her closest friends and family. Vanessa warns Nick that this is a big Italian dinner and it could be a little intense. Luckily for Nick, the family is Italian-Canadian, so they’re loud but also incredibly polite.

Vanessa’s older sister did most of the talking during the dinner, repeatedly saying that she was concerned Vanessa and Nick haven’t thought this through. “Where are you going to live?” she asks, “What is he going to do after the show?” In what would become a running theme of the date, Vanessa says she hadn’t actually thought about that yet.

"Wait. We have to keep dating after this show?"

The couple then heads to Vanessa’s father’s house. After some awkward small talk, Nick asks for her father’s blessing and is immediately denied. Vanessa’s father refuses to give his blessing if Nick has also asked for blessings from the other women’s fathers, which he has. Nick is obviously taken aback by this and conversationally flails about saying that he really cares for Vanessa and that The Bachelor can be a confusing place. It made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.

It must have made some sense to Vanessa’s father, however, who immediately recants and gives Nick his blessing. What the shit was that? Is there some unspoken Canadian law that disallows you from saying no more than once? Some clip must have been left on the editing room floor, because that turn of events made no sense at all.

Vanessa is initially ecstatic when her father tells her that he gave Nick his blessing. That fades quickly, however, when Vanessa finds out that Nick has also received blessings from the other fathers on the show. In fact, Vanessa is so upset she no longer knows if she wants to be with Nick if he’s simultaneously dating other women. I’m not sure if Vanessa lacks object permanence and forgot about the other women once they were no longer sharing a house, or if she never really understood how the show worked in the first place. Either way, Vanessa’s reaction is deeply confusing.

Even Vanessa doesn't understand her own reactions.

With the final hometown date completed, Nick returns to New York City for the final Rose Ceremony. As he finishes preparing, he answers a knock at his hotel room door to find none other than former Bachelorette and love interest, Andi Dorfman. Smart money says that Andi is there to give Nick advice before the ceremony. I, however, am hoping against hope that she’s there to remind him of his past failures on the show, and to harass him by graphically describing Josh Murray’s penis.

Here’s hoping.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel