The Bachelor: I'm Not One To Hold Grudges

Happy International Women's Day! It seems only fitting that today of all days we discuss both the highs and the lows of the female gender by recapping The Bachelor’s Women Tell All episode. Much like the history of women, Monday’s episode featured far more lows than highs and mostly revolved around their relationship to men.

Is this feminism? I don't even know anymore.

As is tradition, Monday's Women Tell All began with a short montage of Nick and Chris Harrison bursting into homes across LA to surprise Bachelor Nation (and for some reason, the Backstreet Boys) with their mere presence. Reactions to Nick ranged from vague recollection from the Backstreet Boys to sexual assault from upwards of 50 sorority sisters. I’m not kidding about the sexual assault either. Nick was tackled, groped, and prodded so extensively it looked more like an opening to Law & Order: SVU than an episode of The Bachelor.

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduced the audience to Nick's rejected women (great band name by the way) most of which I feel like I'm seeing for the first time. Seconds after Chris Harrison completed his introductions, the women immediately began yelling over each other about this season's villain/entertainment savior, Corinne. For her part, Corinne doesn't engage in the bickering, instead opting to sit back and enjoy the fact that, once again, everyone is talking about her.

She's basically a lady Chad.

Once Chris Harrison regained control of his own show, he brought Liz on stage to talk about her time on the show. Season long viewers may remember Liz as the woman who had fucked Nick at Jade and Tanner's wedding before The Bachelor filming began. On stage, Liz gave an impassioned speech to Chris Harrison and the other women not to define her and other women by their sexual past. It was a bold, moving speech with which I completely agree, but which was undercut by everything Liz has done on the show up until this point.

Since she stepped out of the limo on the first night, Liz has self-defined as "the woman who slept with Nick" in order to get more screen time. She repeatedly mused about whether or not Nick would remember her throughout the first night, and performed a dramatic reading recounting their sexual history during the first group date. If Liz is being defined by her sexual past, it's only because that is the only piece of information she has provided to date. I'm not saying that Liz is wrong about any of this, but she's also not helping the cause.

I would love to talk about something other than Liz's sex life.

Next, Chris Harrison brought Taylor to the hot seat for what felt like more of an execution than an interview. Taylor began by apologizing for not choosing her words more carefully before reiterating that Corinne's words hurt her and she would like an apology. Corinne responds by storming off the set for several seconds, only to return with her signature glass of champagne. The audience absolutely loved this, unlike Taylor and myself who just stared into the middle distance, wondering where our lives had gone wrong.

Corinne is next up in the hot seat, and for an all too brief moment she actually manages to make some lucid points. She says that in an environment like The Bachelor, it can be difficult to stand out, and that her outrageous behavior was simply an extension of her place on the show. I was honestly shocked by Corinne’s honesty and self-awareness. What I was not shocked by was her reversion back to her toddler-esque understanding of the world. “I can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t like me,” Corinne says after refusing to take responsibility for her own obnoxious behavior. Of course you don’t understand, Corinne. That’s the whole problem.

While Corinne continues to be confused by the world around her, Taylor decides to make one last ditch effort to solicit an apology. After making a second apology to Corinne, Taylor pauses before timidly asking, “Do you have anything to say to me?” “No” replied a stone face Corinne. She might as well have said, “No and go fuck yourself,” for how exasperated Taylor looked.

To top it all off, Corinne ended her segment by screaming “Cheese pasta!” at poor Chris Harrison and gave everyone in the audience a small dish of her macaroni and cheese knockoff. I don’t know what kind of low-rent Oprah Winfrey shit Corinne is trying to pull but it is deeply confusing.

"Yes! Eat your cheese pasta you simpletons! Shower me in your adoration!"

Kristina is next in the hot seat. After a brief recap of her time on the show, Kristina reminds everyone that opening up to people is difficult for her because her alcoholic mother abandoned Kristina at the age of six for eating food. Even by Russian standards, that might be the saddest story ever told. Kristina received a standing ovation for her lifetime of sadness, and to be honest I can’t think of a single joke to make about the entire segment. That’s how fucking sad this whole thing is.

From sad back to goofy, Nick finally emerges for his time in the hot seat. No sooner had he sat down than a woman named Lacey who looked so unfamiliar she might as well have been an audience member, asked Nick if she was friend-zoned. Nick, as he always does, mumbled and looked completely caught off guard by the question, and I really can’t blame him. It’s a bold move to call out a bachelor when you couldn’t even make it through the second week.

Kristina confronted Nick next, asking why she was let go when they had such a strong connection. Nick explained that there was nothing wrong with their relationship; he just had stronger connections with other women on the show. He reiterated that he cared for Kristina very much, and that she was a truly wonderful person. Before Kristina can answer him, however, fucking Daniellle L interrupts her to ask Nick why she was sent home. Are you shitting me right now Danielle? You’re going to interrupt a Russian orphan to cry some fake-ass tears at all of us right now? No, that is horseshit and you should feel bad for interrupting Kristina. I’m glad you were sent home. I wish it had been in the first week.

Seeing this face fills me with rage.

Nick’s time in the hot seat finally comes to an end as Chris Harrison announced the next segment by yelling, “I’ve got bloopers!” He says this every year, and every year I think bloopers might be a euphemism for diarrhea.

The final hot seat occupant was our next bachelorette, Rachel. She makes it very clear from the beginning that while she is proud to be the first African-American bachelorette, she does not want her race to define her tenure on the show. Nice try, Rachel. This is America. You’ll be lucky if you make it halfway through the first episode without someone asking to touch your hair.

That was everything from Women Tell All. Only one episode stands between myself and two months of Bachelor-less freedom. I figuratively cannot wait.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: They Can Tell Me With A Ring

When I first saw Andi Dorfman on the screen of last night’s episode of The Bachelor, I briefly thought it was 2014. It could have been forgetfulness, repression, or years of alcohol abuse, but for a brief moment I lived in a world where the last three years hadn’t happened. Obama was still president, 2016 hadn’t killed everyone we loved, and Bill Cosby’s mere existence wasn’t constantly bumming me out. It was a simpler time.

Remember when he was just an asshole, and not an asshole rapist?

Andi’s arrival on the show was teased as a moment that would test Nick’s relationship with the women. After a week of hemming and hawing about what the return of Nick’s ex-girlfriend could mean for the show, the answer became disappointingly obvious. Chris Harrison was obviously busy filming Who Wants to be a Millionaire and sent Andi Dorfman in his place to ask Nick leading questions about the women he was dating. This was a significant bummer.

After hinting that he might not choose anyone (which is 100% not true), Nick asks Andi if he should accept fantasy suite dates with the women. Andi thinks about what a weird question this is to ask your ex, before telling Nick that he was entitled to do whatever he wanted and that he had earned fantasy suite time with these women. She then punctuated her answer by saying, “That’s my feminist rant.” I am not sure of many things in this world, but I am positive that telling your ex-boyfriend he has earned the right to fuck multiple women is not a feminist rant.

Gloria Steinem she is not.

Empowered by Andi’s own brand of feminism, Nick heads outside to the rose ceremony where four women have been waiting in frigid temperatures while he reminisced with his ex–girlfriend. I can only imagine that every woman would have walked off the show if they knew what he was doing inside.

The rose ceremony ended with Corinne being sent home. After weeks of near eliminations, Corinne finally said her tearful goodbyes. As Nick walked her out, Corinne uttered a particularly pathetic, “I’m sorry If I ever did anything to make you upset.” I genuinely felt bad for Corinne in this moment.

But like a phoenix from the ashes (or any good hero), Corinne rises and finds a new truth in the wake of her destruction. “I’m trying to say things that men think are appropriate,” she said through tears. “And you know what? I’m done. Done trying to show my men how much I worship them. I need that. So if someone feels that way about me they can come and tell me.” Now there’s your feminist rant, Andi.

Sadly the best feminist on ABC today.

Nick and the final three women then travel to Finland for the fantasy suite dates. The first and only date of the night goes to Raven, who repeatedly claims that she’s never said, “I love you,” to Nick, despite saying it twice in his hometown of Waukesha. Clearly Raven drank too much swamp water last week and is suffering memory loss because of it.

Eventually Raven is able to confess her love for Nick in a rather beautiful, if not lengthy, speech over dinner. Nick is moved nearly to the point of tears, saying, “That was one of the most meaningful moments of my life.” As someone who has watched the last three years of Nick’s life on TV, I have to agree with him on that.

"Next to my bracelet, your confession of love was the most meaningful thing in my life."

Raven tries to seize on this momentum by further telling Nick that not only has she only slept with one person before now, she has also never had an orgasm from said person. Nick does his best to pretend like Raven didn’t just put a huge amount of pressure on him, as she drags him to the fantasy suite. The episode ends with an excitable Raven and a grimacing Nick lying in bed, looking at the northern lights.

Next week’s three hour episode should provide some interesting insight on Women Tell All, the remaining fantasy suite dates, and whether or not Raven finally came. I honestly don’t want more information on any of those subjects.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Every year I think the same thing, “Ugh, Men Tell All again? I have to take notes on these idiots talking over each other for two hours? Why am I even alive? I wish the apocalypse would come and kill everyone so I don’t have to watch such a stupid, stupid show.” Every year I think this, and every year I am fucking wrong.

Men Tell All is the best thing ever. Where else can you see over twenty idiots fight for airtime only to soberly backpedal over drunken mistakes? Sure, most frat houses… but other than that? Nowhere, that’s where.

Much like a frat house, this show is crumbling from the inside.

Chris Harrison opens the show by introducing the upcoming cast of Bachelor in Paradise, which is absolutely stacked. Not only are previous Paradise all-stars Jared, Carly, and weepy Ashley I returning, a whole new set of human disasters will be joining them including Lace, Daniel, Evan, and “the Chad” himself. To say that I am excited for the new season would be an understatement.

Can we just make this a year round show?

Next, Chris Harrison introduces the eliminated men from this season, most of whom I don’t remember at all. There was one notable contestant left off the list, however. Chad is nowhere to be seen. As it turns out, he is being held in a trailer outside the studio under the watchful eye of a “security guard.” Chad loves this attention, of course, despite the fact that this is basically how we treat zoo animals.

Within seconds after the introductions, the first argument begins. When asked why he and Alex frequently butted heads on the show, Derek diplomatically replies that they are just different people with different values and sometimes those values cause conflict. Not satisfied with his socially acceptable answer, Nick B (who was dressed as Santa Claus for two episodes before being sent home and now expects us all to take him seriously) interrupts Derek and calls Marine veteran Alex a little punk. What the hell, Nick? This is America. Don’t you know how talking to veterans works? You thank them for their service, put them on a pedestal they didn’t ask to be on, and then ignore any need for mental health care that may arise. That’s how we do it in the good old US-of-A.

"If you could stop having night terrors for two seconds, I'd like to tell you thank you for your service."

Finally Wells, the lone voice of reason in a sea of insanity, steps in to calm everyone down. He suggests that Alex might be prone to confrontation because of his background in the Military and that maybe everyone should chill the fuck out before calling him a pussy-ass-bitch all the time. The men agree with Wells on this point, mostly because he was the only one who actually thought before he spoke. Considering the show, that is both high praise and incredibly depressing.

After the argument ends, Chris Harrison senses a disturbing lack of conflict and brings out Chad. Within seconds, Chad says that he was the only “real guy” on the show, and that then brags about dating both Grant and Robbie’s exes. I’m not sure what Chad’s definition of a “real guy” is, but it apparently includes trying to be Eskimo brothers with as many men as possible.

"Real men share dick space... am I right?"

After promoting his own sexual prowess/stalking skills, Chad begins making un-falsifiable claims about everyone besides him being there to further their own careers. Able to stand it no more, former Santa and current nobody Nick B pulls off his jacket and challenges Chad to a fight in front of God and Bachelor Nation. Obviously, Chad wants no part of this and says he can’t fight because, “We’re both in dress shoes dude. Do you want us to look stupid?” Let’s be honest, Chad. It’s not the dress shoes that would make you look stupid.

For some reason (scripted) Nick B accepts this logic and retreats back to his chair. With one foe vanquished, Chad turns his attention to unfortunate haver-of-face-pubes, Evan. Readers may remember that Chad previously ripped Evan’s shirt for committing the offense of bumping into him. While this may seem like an insane reason to justify attacking another person, Chris Harrison does not agree and forces everyone to watch slow motion footage of the shirt-attack. As bad as Evan’s physical defense from Chad was, his verbal defense is even worse. The “Erectile Dysfunction Specialist” shrivels into a flaccid mess when confronted by Chad’s stiff attack and makes a real boner of the situation.

Penis.

Eventually Wells steps in to save the ever-pathetic Evan. He tells Chad that he is sad not only for the guys Chad stole the spotlight from, but for Chad himself. Wells goes on to say that if Chad would listen to reason and stop being a colossal douche (my words) he would certainly be forgiven by the viewing audience because America loves a redemption story. Chad scoffs at this and says, “sometimes you choose apples when you should have chose pickles.” I genuinely have no idea what Chad is talking about when he says this, but in his defense, three syllable words are hard to understand and sometimes yelling crazy shit makes you feel a lot better.

I could easily write another 1,200 words on Chad, his gorilla brain, and their time on Men Tell All, but that would require two hours and a psychology degree, neither of which I currently have. Instead, lets move on to Luke, who was kicked off last night for not saying, “I love you.” He tells Chris Harrison that he, “should have said those words,” and, “is still in love with JoJo.” The audience then audibly “aww’s” when Luke says he still wants the opportunity to find love, as if he wasn’t obviously being set up as the next Bachelor.

Ugh... get ready for months of vacant stares, America.

Chase followed Luke, but honestly he isn’t even worth talking about. He says he doesn’t regret his time on the show, but wishes JoJo hadn’t sent him home (all of which you could have guessed) and then tries his best to look sad for several minutes. Men Tell All was still awesome, but in spite of Chase.

With the men’s feelings aired, Chris Harrison brings out the woman of the hour, JoJo. Desperate to avoid making enemies, JoJo tells all of the men she still has feelings for them (which seems empirically impossible), but is very happy with her decision to eliminate them (which is definitely impossible). She goes on to tell both Luke and Chase that she loved them, she just loved Jordan and Robbie more. For some reason, this makes both men feel better and not like total pieces of shit.

The remaining guys offer words of redemption to JoJo with varying degrees of success. Alex apologizes for not being more open with her, both James Taylor and Nick B say it was just good to see her face again. Derek (insecurely) pleads for her to tell everyone that he was never insecure in their relationship, and that he’s a big boy who wears big boy pants. The segment ends with the mother of former contestant Vinny, rising up from the crowd to yell at JoJo for not keeping her son on the show. The entire studio audience laughed at this, though I don’t think Vinny’s mother was in on the joke.

As has become tradition with the Men Tell All episodes, Chris Harrison introduces the season’s blooper reel by saying, “We’ve got bloopers!” I don’t care what anyone says, it still sounds like Chris Harrison is shitting his pants.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: Women Tell All

How do I keep fooling myself like this? Every year I get it in my head that The Bachelor: Women Tell All is some lascivious expose about life on the show. I expect a grand spectacle on par with the Roman Senate; I expect grand speeches, personal attacks, and maybe even a stabbing or two. Instead what we are left with much more closely resembled the American Senate as opposed to the Roman one. Women thanked the troops, defended the heroic nature of all mothers, and were generally ignorant of racial and misogynist comments they were making. I'm actually surprised The Bachelor doesn't air on CSPAN.

Who has smaller hands? Donald Trump? Or this guy?

The show opens with Chris Harrison and Bachelor Ben crashing The Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles. It is frankly amazing that neither Chris nor Ben were shot considering what they were doing is just a filmed version of a B&E. This is America, after all. You can't look at someone the wrong way without giving them probable cause.

Watching women after women squeal at the very idea of Ben being in the same room gave me a sudden realization; they never do this shit with The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn and Andi never had to pile into a van with Chris Harrison and surprise local viewers. I suspect this is because viewers wouldn't scream with glee for Kaitlyn as much as they would judge her outfit. Women! Am I right?

I'm sorry, has some terrible comedian already covered that point before?

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduces the women of season 20. Among the contestants were Lace (the human disaster), Olivia (the psychotic), Jubilee (the complicated human), as well as several other women I don’t remember seeing at any point during the show. Also present was “chicken enthusiast” Tiara, with her chicken, Sheila. I’d call this a ploy for attention, but Tiara didn’t actually say anything and seemed perfectly content to sit there with a chicken in her lap. Congratulations to you and your cock, Tiara.

I've never seen a woman hold a cock so comfortably on national TV before.

Chris then opens the floor to the women to discuss their time on the show. Olivia begins lamenting her pariah status before being interrupted by Sheila the chicken, squawking and generally making a ruckus. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time a cock distracted a woman… Actually I’m not going to finish that thought.

Leah takes advantage of the cock-straction and tries to defend herself against the idea that she plotted against Lauren B. “I didn’t intentionally lie,” she says, apparently forgetting that there is video footage of her doing exactly that. Unfortunately for her, no one buys this excuse, and Leah fades back into obscurity before our very eyes.

Seizing upon Leah’s non-momentum, Jubilee jumps in to say she feels misunderstood by the other women in the house. According to her, no one ever said they had a problem with her, and she was unaware of how she was being perceived in the house. In response, both Jami and Amber (who are both mixed race) accused Jubilee of saying, “She would be the first black woman to go far on the show.” After flip-flopping on whether or not she actually made the comment, Jubilee eventually would offer a somewhat half-hearted apology. The show moved on from there, but the fact that this discussion was afforded a grand total of six minutes was a huge disappointment.

Keeping in mind that I am neither black nor a woman, I’m going to do the white male thing and comment on this anyway. I have no idea what it is like to be black, mixed race, or a woman. Barring any shocking developments, I will probably never know what their lives are like. That being said, there is something sinister about two sets of traditionally disenfranchised people being pitted against each other in front of a predominately white audience and white male host. The easier, and frankly more fruitful, conversation to have would be, “What role did race play in your lives and on the show?” Instead we were treated to a parade of, “Who is more black?”

Sam Jackson is more black. Always.

After the most unfulfilling conversation in the world wraps up, Lace joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat. She is immediately treated to a near Jackass level series of clips detailing her drunken bad decisions. Lace responds to this public humiliation by saying that she is currently working to better and love herself to avoid these mistakes in the future. She then agrees to go on Bachelor in Paradise, proving that she hasn’t actually bettered herself at all.

Also, some staged idiot from the audience surprisingly interrupts the show to show her the fake tattoo he got of her face. Men of the world, please remember that if you do this in real life you will be arrested for stalking.

We can all pretend this isn't Sharpie right?

Olivia was next in the hot seat and boy was it a doozy. Chris treats her to yet another video package designed to highlight her “craziness.” Olivia says that the video was, “brutal to watch” (So close!) and that she isn’t proud of who she was on the show.  She also claims to have been unaware about how she was viewed by the other women on the show, a point that is quickly pounced upon by several women.

The twins, Emily and Hayley, had the most to say about Olivia’s perceived faux-sincerity. They recount the time Olivia referred to fellow contestant Amanda as a “Teen Mom,” and the numerous times they felt slut shamed by her. Olivia responds by saying she felt bullied by them as well, and if she came across as aggressive it was only because they were mean to her. The twins claim that their rudeness is beside the point and Olivia is the real bully. In reality, this entire problem could have been solved if both parties had just announced, “We are all terrible people!” and let it go.

Not one to take my advice, Olivia presses on. Jennifer (a woman whom I honestly don’t remember being on the show) accuses Olivia of being elitist while claiming, “We like to talk smart things too!” Several other women jump on this bandwagon repeating Olivia’s now infamous phrase, “Talk smart things,” back at her. As a staunch proponent for female empowerment, it completely shattered my heart to see these women repeating the dumbest statement I have ever heard in an attempt to make their point.

I expect nothing and I'm still disappointed.

Olivia ended her time in the hot seat by claiming she had never been bullied this badly since grade school. Considering the level of dialogue on The Women Tell All, that is an entirely believable point except for one thing. Not even grade school children are so grammatically inept to say they, “also like to talk smart things.”

Caila is the final woman of the evening to join Chris Harrison in the hot seat. Unlike the hyper and smiley Caila we have seen to date, Caila tonight was a calm, measured, anti-Muppet. She claims to have never seen the breakup coming and was devastated by the entire affair. I would have had a lot more emotional attachment to her entire appearance if it weren’t so obvious that she was being set up to be the next Bachelorette.

Finally, after much ado about quite literally nothing, Ben Higgins comes to the hot seat. Chris Harrison shows yet another video package which I would like to make a joke about, but seeing as there have been upwards of five video packages tonight alone, will refrain from. No one enjoys hearing the same joke over and over, save for Jeff Foxworthy fans.

Immediately after sitting down, Ben is “confronted” by Amanda and Caila. Amanda reinforces the Bachelor narrative by thanking Ben for his time with her and commending his time with her children. Caila also says she was appreciative of her time with Ben, presumably because if she didn’t she would lose her shot at being the next Bachelorette. Ben then thanks Caila for her time and reminisces about their time together in the Bahamas, saying, “We just explored life to a level I never experienced.” I can only assume this means Caila put her finger in Ben’s butt.

Happy International Women's Day!

As the night came to a close, Ben spoke with several other Bachelor women. His main goal seemed to be assuring them that they were not solely at fault for the failed relationship. Nice though that thought might be, it would have been a lot nicer if he weren’t the person with all the power in each of their respective relationships.

Chris Harrison ends the show with a blooper reel, introduced by the phrase, “I’ve got bloopers!” I’d be lying if I didn’t initially think he was announcing that he shit his pants on national TV.

There’s one disaster of an episode left, everyone. I hope you’ll join me next week to see Ben Higgins absolutely devastate a grown woman in prime time.