Bachelor in Paradise: I'm Gonna Stay For You.

I have been writing (often angrily) about The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise for a little over two years now and it feels like at least one and a half of those years have been devoted to describing the human waterfall that is Ashley I. Despite everything I've written about her in that time, I've secretly always had a bit of a soft spot for Ashley I's delusional antics. There was something about her complete disregard for reality that made her a wild card and kept the shows interesting. Annoying as she may be, Ashley I has always been a welcome source of chaos. That is, until last night…

Also, boogers.

Last night's episode of Bachelor in Paradise begins in the still toxic fall out of the Jared/Caila/Ashley I debacle from last week. Ashley I and Caila agree not to speak to each other anymore, in order not to further humiliate Ashley I. This seemingly amicable agreement predictably ends with Ashley I running to Jared in tears, saying that she doesn't actually hate Caila, she just can't stand to see Jared with anyone else. Jared tells Ashley I that she, "Shouldn't feel stupid," which is blatantly wrong. She absolutely should.

To be fair, why else would she have that shirt?

Ashley I mopes around the beach for a time, eventually explaining to the audience that the reason she is acting out is because her dog recently died. "I know all dogs go to heaven," Ashley I says through tears, "Although she is actually in a jar in my house." Setting aside the fact that a dog actually goes to Hell in that movie, I'm actually surprised Ashley I didn't stuff the dog and bring it with her to Paradise. Anything less than that seems too well adjusted for her.

Wells is the next contestant to arrive in Paradise, and brings with him an optimism that has not been felt in several weeks. Ashley I (and frankly every other contestant who was sick of her shit) quickly became obsessed with the idea of her going on a date with Wells. After being told by no less than 13 people, "Ashley I is single," "I think you'd really like Ashley I," and "Listen here, you skinny bastard. You don't know the Hell I have been through over the last week. If Ashley I does not get your date card, I, Jared, will personally see to it that you wake up in a van headed for the nearest Cartel hideout." Wells accepts his role as a sacrificial lamb and asks Ashley I on a date.

Wells and Ashley I spend a majority of their date eating tacos, which is something he seemed more excited about (both literally and euphemistically) than she did. Ashley I laments her inability to flirt with men whose names don't end in "ared," while Wells tries to see how many tacos he can fit in his mouth at one time. Just as the date reaches peak awkward silence, a street dog wanders up to the table and begins begging for food. Both Wells and Ashley I share their tacos with the dog, which was apparently all the foreplay they needed, because they began aggressively making out immediately after the dog left. If Ashley I does find dogs to be an some sort of aphrodisiac, I suddenly don’t want to know how or why her dog died.

Rest in peace, sex toy puppy.

Later that evening, Wells and Ashley I light and release a sky lantern with a wish written on it and watch it float away. It was a romantic moment to be sure, but it would have been a lot more romantic if the lantern hadn't caught fire within seconds and plunged to the ground almost hitting a camera man. The entire situation was a surprisingly apt metaphor for this stupid show.

Back in Paradise, Lace and Grant are continuing their tradition of getting drunk and yelling at each other. The cause (this time) was Lace's drunken flirting with other guys in front of Grant. The two yell at each other about respect, understanding, and how the other is being a real bitch. As Lace storms off, she yells, "Have fun finding love with someone else," which I hope to God was a line fed to her by the producers.

"Have fun with... with your... LINE!"

Once Grant and Lace are each alone, they share a rare moment of vulnerability. Lace begins crying and wondering why she keeps sabotaging her relationships like this. She acknowledges that she has feelings for Grant and that she tries to destroy the relationship rather than risk getting hurt by him. For his part, Grant questions if the relationship is even worth it if he has to constantly put in so much effort so early on. It was surprising and ultimately refreshing to see a new couple talk about their weaknesses so openly.

But then Grant goes and ruins everything by finding Lace and asking her if she only said those things because she "was emotional." Holy shit, Grant. If there's one thing you never say to an angry person, much less your girlfriend, it's a suggestion that they're just being emotional. Given Lace's resting BAC, that's a quick way to get stabbed.

Despite his stupidity, Grant is almost immediately forgiven by Lace. She apologizes for flirting with other guys, while he apologizes for overreacting. Lace then decides to seal their truce with a shot, which basically ensures that this will all happen again in a matter of hours.

A woman who celebrates waking up every morning with a shot.

As the night wears on, other contestants begin preparing for bed. Exhausted by Josh’s incessant groaning and pizza guzzling, Amanda decides to go to bed alone and offers Nick and Jen her private room. As the two begin heading to Amanda’s room, Josh interrupts them to say that they cannot sleep there because it is his and Amanda’s room. Nick, Jen, a producer, and several contestants all point out that Amanda offered them the room and is sleeping already, but Josh will hear none of it. He wakes up a sleeping Amanda to ask, “Hey, are you sleeping?” as if the answer wasn’t obvious. When a groggy Amanda replies that yes she was sleeping, Josh asks her two more times just to be sure. Josh then storms off, incensed that Amanda would ever go to sleep without his prior knowledge and approval.

Josh’s anger would carry over into the rose ceremony the next night, as well. Once the cocktail party began, he pulled Amanda aside to let her know that he wasn’t mad she went to bed without him. He then makes several uncomfortable jokes about the incident and strongly insinuates that she really shouldn’t do that again before telling Amanda that he is falling in love with her. Apparently saying two shitty things followed by one nice thing is acceptable behavior, because Amanda says that she is also falling in love.

The rest of the cocktail party was relatively normal. Daniel tried to win roses from several women through a series of poorly thought out stunts, including giving them jewelry made from garbage and lamps, which was almost painful to watch. The twins tried to get dirt on Josh in order to convince Amanda to dump him, in a segment that quickly became a rehashing of every Josh-related complaint from this season. Grant and Lace even got in on the action, chugging drinks and un-ironically wondering what it was that caused them to constantly get into fights.

Also, Carly wore this "Lace tube top shorts and sleeves" number.

During the rose ceremony the “usual couples” all paired off. Instead of listing off each pair, I’ll just jump to the end and say that Daniel, Carl, and Ryan were left when the twins turn came to hand out roses.

Rather than hand out roses, Emily and Haley declare that since they have not yet found love in Paradise they will be going home and taking their roses with them. This comes as a shock to the three remaining men who will all now be sent home. It was a little surprising that the twins didn’t hand out roses and then leave Paradise, instead of sending all three guys home unnecessarily. That’s like going to a restaurant and knocking other people’s plates onto the floor because you’re not hungry.

Before the twins leave, however, they make a point of pulling Amanda aside to once again tell her that they are worried about Josh. Amanda (for some reason) is shocked by this and goes off by herself to think. Or at least she tries to go off by herself before Josh comes bounding in to ask what’s wrong. Amanda repeatedly tells him she wants to be alone all while Josh keeps following her and asking, “What’s up?” with the same intonation of a bored toddler.

"I smile and pretend to know things. That's what I do."

Reluctantly, Amanda finally tells Josh what the twins said. He takes a deep breath and calmly says, “Well they’re entitled to their opinion, but I hope it doesn’t change your opinion of me. I care deeply for you and don’t want to see you hurt by this situation. If you’d like we can all sit down together and discuss whatever problems they have with me…”

Just kidding. Josh just fucking screams at everyone.

When I say he screams at everyone, I mean he screams at everyone. Josh literally calls everyone down to the beach where he is and berates them for trying to tear him and Amanda apart. He then screams at Nick specifically for just being Nick. In fact, Josh screams for so long that he never noticed Amanda leave in tears, clearly upset by his meltdown. So much for defending her honor.

Probably his eventual mugshot.

Once Josh finishes yelling at everyone, he packs his bags and prepares to leave Paradise. On his way out he finds Amanda and lets her know of his incredibly immature decision. Amanda is still somewhat in shock from the previous events of the night and doesn’t seem to fully register what he is saying. Eventually, she composes herself enough to say that even though the twins are her best friends, and multiple people have expressed concern for her well being, and Josh completely lost his mind tonight, she “won’t question him anymore.” With that, Josh agrees to stay for Amanda’s sake. Also, I have to actively try to keep from walking in front of a train because no benevolent God would ever let this happen.

The next morning arrives along with Jami, a new entrant into Paradise. She wanders around the beach for a few moments before running into Wells, the only cast member who is actually awake before noon. The two talk for a few moments before Jami asks him on a date, in part because they have a lot in common, but also because he was literally her only option. Wells agrees, with full understanding that this will likely send Ashley I into a psychotic rage.

"In my defense, it's going to be a lot of fun to watch.

Several hours later, Ashley I awakes and the news about Wells’ date is broken to her. She initially pretends to be ok, saying, “That’s fine,” and claiming that nothing bad could possibly happen.  However, with Wells gone, Ashley I quickly returns to her obsession with destroying Jared and Caila’s relationship.

Ashley I tells Caila that she is no longer ok with seeing her around Jared and that she doesn’t believe Caila is actually interested in him. In the midst of being berated by Ashley I for the umpteenth time, Caila finally decides she has had enough and will leave Paradise. As Caila approaches Jared to say her goodbyes, the screen fades to black.

To be continued,

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

Bachelor in Paradise: I Just Wanted Everything To Be Easy

I fear Bachelor in Paradise may have reached peak insanity. To be clear, I don't mean the usual "Isn't it weird that all of these people are real humans?" thoughts that I have on a weekly basis. I mean full-fledged, Upside-Down alternate reality insanity. How weird was last night's episode? For a brief moment Evan was a hero. Let that sink in. The sniveling twerp who doesn't seem to understand the concept of "No" and whose ex-wife called him a "deadbeat dad" managed to be a hero for several very confusing minutes. Honestly, I could write five pages on Evan alone, but in the interest of both yours and my own mental health, I'll just stick to Bachelor in Paradise instead.

Were you planning on sleeping tonight? I hope not.

Evan (GOD DAMNIT HE'S ALREADY BACK) opens the show by interrupting Amanda and Josh's never ending make out session to ask Amanda on a date. Shockingly, Josh doesn't murder Evan on the spot, instead allowing Amanda to go on a mini-date with him. She tells Evan that she initially was interested in him, though it’s too late now. Seeing his chance to reprise his role as a creepy cartoon villain, Evan tells Amanda that he has, "been watching you from afar…" because it's never too early in a relationship to let someone know that you're an oddly formal stalker.

Amanda makes it clear that in no uncertain terms is she interested in dating him and that she will be giving her rose to Josh. Evan takes this rejection in stride saying, "I was expecting a glimmer of hope… and I think I got that." No, Evan. What you got was a woman telling you she's not interested while being too polite to openly say, "fuck off."

High on the idea that he wasn't just rejected, Evan doubles down and decides to interrupt Josh and Amanda again during the Rose Ceremony. He again tells Amanda about Andi Dorfman's tell-all book (which Evan hasn't actually read) in which she called Josh an "emotional abuser." Amanda acts as if this is the first time anyone has ever mentioned that Josh Murray might be an asshole, even though Lace, Nick, and even Josh himself have all brought this up before. Look, Amanda. You can pretend like this is news to you, but at a certain point you either don't give a shit that you're dating an asshole, or you really are too stupid to remember what others said five minutes ago.

At this point I honestly don't know which it is.

Eventually, Josh overhears Lace loudly talking slurring about everything Evan said. He grabs Evan for a quick chat though, judging by his body language, it would have been a brutal murder were it not for the cameras. Josh immediately lays into him with a barrage of clichés including, "No need to explain myself," "You're being disrespectful," and for some reason "Only God knows the truth" repeated ad nauseam. It may be true that only God knows the truth, Josh, but seeing as how I don't and you can't seem to give a straight answer, I'm just going to continue thinking you're a colossal asshole.

In the midst of the word vomit, Evan interrupts to ask why, if what she wrote was false, didn’t Josh sue Andi for libel. Josh looks shocked because he obviously has been lying this entire time and now has to invent yet another lie to cover his tracks. After several seconds of nervous laughter and stammering, Josh says that he doesn’t need to dignify Evan with a response. Everything he says is somehow a veiled admission of guilt and simultaneously completely meaningless.

Josh would then run off to Amanda and tell her that anyone talking shit about him was a coward and that the whole world was against their relationship. Everything Josh said suggested that if Amanda wanted to be in a safe relationship, she simply could not do it without Josh. If that sounds unhealthy, that’s because it is. Making people think you are their only source of comfort in the world is emotionally manipulative and what cult leaders do. Coincidentally, I’d love to hear more from Josh about how he isn’t the emotionally abusive asshole everyone claims.

"Only God and the neighbors who could hear our screaming through the walls knows the truth."

Even if it was only for the five minutes, Evan was a hero. It’s weird to type those words, or even think them without feeling like I’m having a stroke, but it’s true. Evan stood up to a bully, didn’t white knight anyone, and made his own point eloquently. Call me gullible, but for a moment I genuinely thought Evan could turn the corner and be the hero this show so badly needs.

But later at the Rose Ceremony, Evan said, “I’ve taken a self-imposed protector role… Maybe I should just find love instead?” No shit, it’s called Bachelor in Paradise not Single Dads in Paradise. Stop treating these women like they are your daughters in need of protection and start treating them like… you know… women. God, it’s been only two minutes and I already hate Evan again.

Here's another look that doesn't work for Evan.

When it came time to hand out the roses, things went from weird to insane. Lace chose Grant, and Izzy chose Vinny, both of which were expected. Emily gave her rose to Jared, which everyone seemed to think was normal, but caught me well off guard. Amanda picked Josh, because how can she really know that he is emotionally abusive until he abuses her? Sarah picked goofy Daniel over smiley Christian. Carly, in a bit of a difficult situation with no one to give her rose to, chooses Evan, presumably because one of the producers thought it would be funny and paid her $100. Finally, Haley picks Nick because her previous date, Brandon, couldn’t tell the difference between her and her identical sister.

After the Rose Ceremony is complete, Evan delights in his newfound opportunity, saying “I haven’t closed the door on Carly. She may have closed the door on me, but she forgot to lock it.” Can we just arrest Evan now? That is the closest anyone has ever gotten to openly saying, “I’m gonna rape her if I get the chance!” Lock the door, Carly.

You'd think someone who looks like Evan would be used to hearing the word "No" by now.

The next morning, after the hangovers cleared, Caila arrives as the newest resident of Paradise. She immediately takes a liking to Jared and the two agree to go on a date together. Emily is especially distraught by this news not only because Jared gave her a rose last week, but also because, “Caila has beautiful hair!” Personally I don’t know what she’s talking about. How great could one person’s hair…

HOLY SHIT IT'S AMAZING!

Caila and Jared’s date was nice, if not very short. They rode horses along the beach and reminisced about their pasts on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Aside from one very confusing moment wherein Jared tried to ride his horse into the ocean, it was a surprisingly nice date.

Back in Paradise, Lace and Izzy receive the first ever double date card. As the only two in a legitimate (and I use that word very loosely) relationship, they obviously bring their boyfriends, Grant and Vinny. The four go out for a brief dinner before enjoying a night of dancing at the most authentic Mexican bar they can find, Senor Frogs. Sigh. I didn’t expect them to go to an authentic Mexican bar, but Senor Frogs is just insulting. Going to a Senor Frogs in Mexico is like going to a Sbarro in Italy. There’s nothing stopping you from doing it, but you’re definitely a huge asshole if you do.

All four grind and make out during a foam party before rushing the stage so the guys can perform a strip tease for the enjoyment of the ladies and everyone else in the bar. Late into the night, Lace says, “I’m lying on my back in a bar with a dude’s crotch in my face. It’s just like high school.” Suddenly, everything about Lace makes sense to me.

"Oh... That's why Lace is... well, Lace."

Meanwhile, Carly and Sarah are depressed and decide to make a double date night of their own. Armed with an irresponsible amount of booze, they invite the only two single guys they know, Evan and Daniel, to join them for a party. Throughout the night, Evan drinks and not-so-subtly hits on Carly while Daniel cheers him on. Carly calls Evan out at every turn, telling him not to be weird for once in his life. Seeing his options fading before him, Evan tries to kiss Carly as they leave for the night, only to receive an awkward hug and plea of “Please don’t kiss me,” from Carly. I’d cringe, but since I hate Evan I think I’ll cheer instead.

Evan walks dejectedly (and very drunkenly) to his room before passing out on a bed. Because they are legally required to care about the safety of all Paradise’s idiots, a producer checks on Evan and finds him unresponsive. They immediately call for a doctor (and Carly for some reason) to check his vitals. No sooner does the doctor arrive with Carly by her side, than Evan immediately wakes up looking alert, if not slightly confused. He claims that he is fine, but needs someone to stay the night with him. Bullshit, right? I mean who could be so dumb as to fall for the same trick children use when they’re scared of the dark?

Pictured: That dumb.

As it turns out, Carly is that stupid. She climbs into bed with Evan and tells him he is “not allowed to hit on me,” before grabbing his face to make out. If you heard a faint but violent scream somewhere off in the distance, that was me cursing Evan’s happiness.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel.

Bachelor in Paradise: Should I End it Now?

We are only in our second week of Bachelor in Paradise and I’m already a sleep deprived, cranky mess. Granted that isn’t much different from my usual demeanor, but Paradise’s move to two nights a week has really intensified my usual crankiness. And before you say anything, yes I understand that complaining about how much time my completely voluntary blog eats up is really stupid. But complaining is about 95% of this blog, and I’m really starting to get good at it.

What this blog is basically becoming.

For what it’s worth, Daniel was absolutely the star of this shortened episode. He opened the show by repeatedly miscounting his own abs before trying to convince Nick to start a fight with Josh. Daniel also offers to help Evan “be less Evan-ish,” which I think is the polite, Canadian way of saying “less of a sniveling dweeb.” If Daniel isn’t the next Bachelor, I will be severely disappointed.

The women are handing out roses this week which means two new men will be arriving in Paradise. First to arrive is Christian from JoJo’s season. Christian is what I imagine the Cheshire Cat would look like if you shaved it and made it lift weights for three hours a day.

You can't smile like that in your underwear, Christian. People think it's creepy.

Christian pulls the guys aside to ask if there are any preexisting relationships to avoid causing unnecessary drama. Josh immediately claims he and Amanda are in a serious relationship despite having known her for less than 24 hours. Daniel points at Sarah mutters something about a rose to which Christian responds, “Cool cool,” before promptly asking Sarah on a date. I would call this a dick move on Christian’s part but his infectious smiling made everything seem ok. Christian could kick my dog and so long as he kept smiling I’d probably just wave and smile back.

His date with Sarah was also about as perfect as a Bachelor in Paradise date can get. They zip lined, rappelled, and hiked through the Mexican jungle before making out underneath a waterfall. As if he could sense their happiness, Daniel becomes bitter and says, “Looks like the male birds are swooping down to get scraps. I’m an eagle.” Setting aside the weirdness of the term “male birds,” Daniel definitely just called Sarah “scraps”, right? I'd expect that from Chad, but not simple Daniel. Work on your metaphor next time, buddy.

Aww. I can't stay mad at you.

While one relationship is beginning, another is coming to an end. Carly has finally decided to end the non-relationship she had with Evan due to his being a real creep. “I want to be your friend,” she tells a barely-keeping-it-together Evan, “I’m not romantically interested at all.” After holding back his tears for several seconds, Evan finally retreats to his room to cry in solitude. In case you don’t understand just how hard Evan is taking this, at one point he asks “should I end it all now?”  Evan is either talking about leaving the show or filling his pockets with rocks and Virginia Woolf-ing himself all because a girl doesn’t want to kiss him.

With Evan now depressingly pathetic, the producers try to liven things up with a new contestant. Enter, Brandon, a contestant from Desiree’s season who… that’s actually all I know about this guy. It’s also all Chris Harrison claims to know about him as well, asking Brandon, “What would I know you from?” Brandon immediately lets out a deep sigh and realizes that he is going to be the butt of many jokes in the coming days. Man, I really love it when Chris Harrison is a dick to contestants for no good reason.

"The man who has no real power, but wields it like a dictator."

As it turns out, Brandon actually knows Carly’s brother, who was also on Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette. The two briefly talk and Carly quickly becomes enamored with Brandon while not so secretly hoping he will ask her out. Instead, Brandon asks out Haley because it’s weird to date your friend’s sister and if Evan saw Carly leave with another man he might suffer a fatal nosebleed.

Brandon and Haley sit down to dinner but little does he know Haley has a trick up her sleeve. Her twin sister has snuck along on the date for a little “switcheroo” or as I call it, “twincest.” Midway through the date, Haley excuses herself to the bathroom where she meets Emily and the two switch outfits. Emily returns to the date with Brandon none the wiser. I’m not sure what this was supposed to prove other than the fact that they really, really look alike, but they can rest easy knowing they proved it in the creepiest way possible.

Fuck you for not immediately noticing minute details about these two strangers.

Back in Paradise, Evan has stopped feeling sorry for himself just long enough to do something really stupid. He writes, “You deserve love,” in a notebook until he believes it and then marches directly up to Josh and Amanda who are now in hour 9 of making out that day. You see, somehow Evan got it in his head that he needed to ask out Amanda even though she was already romantically linked to two much larger, better looking men. His courage is obviously misplaced, but still impressive. That is exactly the kind of behavior that gets your genes suddenly removed from the evolutionary timeline.

The episode ends before we get to see Evan carry out his stupid plan. I am legitimately excited to see what “tough guy Evan” looks like next week. Tough guy Evan probably drinks coffee, eats steak, and only cries a little when he gets a splinter. Can you even imagine such a cool dude? No, really. Can you? Because I honestly don’t think Evan can.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel.