Bachelor in Paradise: I Just Wanted Everything To Be Easy

I fear Bachelor in Paradise may have reached peak insanity. To be clear, I don't mean the usual "Isn't it weird that all of these people are real humans?" thoughts that I have on a weekly basis. I mean full-fledged, Upside-Down alternate reality insanity. How weird was last night's episode? For a brief moment Evan was a hero. Let that sink in. The sniveling twerp who doesn't seem to understand the concept of "No" and whose ex-wife called him a "deadbeat dad" managed to be a hero for several very confusing minutes. Honestly, I could write five pages on Evan alone, but in the interest of both yours and my own mental health, I'll just stick to Bachelor in Paradise instead.

Were you planning on sleeping tonight? I hope not.

Evan (GOD DAMNIT HE'S ALREADY BACK) opens the show by interrupting Amanda and Josh's never ending make out session to ask Amanda on a date. Shockingly, Josh doesn't murder Evan on the spot, instead allowing Amanda to go on a mini-date with him. She tells Evan that she initially was interested in him, though it’s too late now. Seeing his chance to reprise his role as a creepy cartoon villain, Evan tells Amanda that he has, "been watching you from afar…" because it's never too early in a relationship to let someone know that you're an oddly formal stalker.

Amanda makes it clear that in no uncertain terms is she interested in dating him and that she will be giving her rose to Josh. Evan takes this rejection in stride saying, "I was expecting a glimmer of hope… and I think I got that." No, Evan. What you got was a woman telling you she's not interested while being too polite to openly say, "fuck off."

High on the idea that he wasn't just rejected, Evan doubles down and decides to interrupt Josh and Amanda again during the Rose Ceremony. He again tells Amanda about Andi Dorfman's tell-all book (which Evan hasn't actually read) in which she called Josh an "emotional abuser." Amanda acts as if this is the first time anyone has ever mentioned that Josh Murray might be an asshole, even though Lace, Nick, and even Josh himself have all brought this up before. Look, Amanda. You can pretend like this is news to you, but at a certain point you either don't give a shit that you're dating an asshole, or you really are too stupid to remember what others said five minutes ago.

At this point I honestly don't know which it is.

Eventually, Josh overhears Lace loudly talking slurring about everything Evan said. He grabs Evan for a quick chat though, judging by his body language, it would have been a brutal murder were it not for the cameras. Josh immediately lays into him with a barrage of clichés including, "No need to explain myself," "You're being disrespectful," and for some reason "Only God knows the truth" repeated ad nauseam. It may be true that only God knows the truth, Josh, but seeing as how I don't and you can't seem to give a straight answer, I'm just going to continue thinking you're a colossal asshole.

In the midst of the word vomit, Evan interrupts to ask why, if what she wrote was false, didn’t Josh sue Andi for libel. Josh looks shocked because he obviously has been lying this entire time and now has to invent yet another lie to cover his tracks. After several seconds of nervous laughter and stammering, Josh says that he doesn’t need to dignify Evan with a response. Everything he says is somehow a veiled admission of guilt and simultaneously completely meaningless.

Josh would then run off to Amanda and tell her that anyone talking shit about him was a coward and that the whole world was against their relationship. Everything Josh said suggested that if Amanda wanted to be in a safe relationship, she simply could not do it without Josh. If that sounds unhealthy, that’s because it is. Making people think you are their only source of comfort in the world is emotionally manipulative and what cult leaders do. Coincidentally, I’d love to hear more from Josh about how he isn’t the emotionally abusive asshole everyone claims.

"Only God and the neighbors who could hear our screaming through the walls knows the truth."

Even if it was only for the five minutes, Evan was a hero. It’s weird to type those words, or even think them without feeling like I’m having a stroke, but it’s true. Evan stood up to a bully, didn’t white knight anyone, and made his own point eloquently. Call me gullible, but for a moment I genuinely thought Evan could turn the corner and be the hero this show so badly needs.

But later at the Rose Ceremony, Evan said, “I’ve taken a self-imposed protector role… Maybe I should just find love instead?” No shit, it’s called Bachelor in Paradise not Single Dads in Paradise. Stop treating these women like they are your daughters in need of protection and start treating them like… you know… women. God, it’s been only two minutes and I already hate Evan again.

Here's another look that doesn't work for Evan.

When it came time to hand out the roses, things went from weird to insane. Lace chose Grant, and Izzy chose Vinny, both of which were expected. Emily gave her rose to Jared, which everyone seemed to think was normal, but caught me well off guard. Amanda picked Josh, because how can she really know that he is emotionally abusive until he abuses her? Sarah picked goofy Daniel over smiley Christian. Carly, in a bit of a difficult situation with no one to give her rose to, chooses Evan, presumably because one of the producers thought it would be funny and paid her $100. Finally, Haley picks Nick because her previous date, Brandon, couldn’t tell the difference between her and her identical sister.

After the Rose Ceremony is complete, Evan delights in his newfound opportunity, saying “I haven’t closed the door on Carly. She may have closed the door on me, but she forgot to lock it.” Can we just arrest Evan now? That is the closest anyone has ever gotten to openly saying, “I’m gonna rape her if I get the chance!” Lock the door, Carly.

You'd think someone who looks like Evan would be used to hearing the word "No" by now.

The next morning, after the hangovers cleared, Caila arrives as the newest resident of Paradise. She immediately takes a liking to Jared and the two agree to go on a date together. Emily is especially distraught by this news not only because Jared gave her a rose last week, but also because, “Caila has beautiful hair!” Personally I don’t know what she’s talking about. How great could one person’s hair…

HOLY SHIT IT'S AMAZING!

Caila and Jared’s date was nice, if not very short. They rode horses along the beach and reminisced about their pasts on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Aside from one very confusing moment wherein Jared tried to ride his horse into the ocean, it was a surprisingly nice date.

Back in Paradise, Lace and Izzy receive the first ever double date card. As the only two in a legitimate (and I use that word very loosely) relationship, they obviously bring their boyfriends, Grant and Vinny. The four go out for a brief dinner before enjoying a night of dancing at the most authentic Mexican bar they can find, Senor Frogs. Sigh. I didn’t expect them to go to an authentic Mexican bar, but Senor Frogs is just insulting. Going to a Senor Frogs in Mexico is like going to a Sbarro in Italy. There’s nothing stopping you from doing it, but you’re definitely a huge asshole if you do.

All four grind and make out during a foam party before rushing the stage so the guys can perform a strip tease for the enjoyment of the ladies and everyone else in the bar. Late into the night, Lace says, “I’m lying on my back in a bar with a dude’s crotch in my face. It’s just like high school.” Suddenly, everything about Lace makes sense to me.

"Oh... That's why Lace is... well, Lace."

Meanwhile, Carly and Sarah are depressed and decide to make a double date night of their own. Armed with an irresponsible amount of booze, they invite the only two single guys they know, Evan and Daniel, to join them for a party. Throughout the night, Evan drinks and not-so-subtly hits on Carly while Daniel cheers him on. Carly calls Evan out at every turn, telling him not to be weird for once in his life. Seeing his options fading before him, Evan tries to kiss Carly as they leave for the night, only to receive an awkward hug and plea of “Please don’t kiss me,” from Carly. I’d cringe, but since I hate Evan I think I’ll cheer instead.

Evan walks dejectedly (and very drunkenly) to his room before passing out on a bed. Because they are legally required to care about the safety of all Paradise’s idiots, a producer checks on Evan and finds him unresponsive. They immediately call for a doctor (and Carly for some reason) to check his vitals. No sooner does the doctor arrive with Carly by her side, than Evan immediately wakes up looking alert, if not slightly confused. He claims that he is fine, but needs someone to stay the night with him. Bullshit, right? I mean who could be so dumb as to fall for the same trick children use when they’re scared of the dark?

Pictured: That dumb.

As it turns out, Carly is that stupid. She climbs into bed with Evan and tells him he is “not allowed to hit on me,” before grabbing his face to make out. If you heard a faint but violent scream somewhere off in the distance, that was me cursing Evan’s happiness.

XOXO,

Gossip Squirrel.

The Bachelor Episode 5: Como Se Dice?

Why I ever expect anything different from this show is beyond me. Every season The Bachelor has a small handful of compelling individuals who are (often) unceremoniously kicked out halfway through the season, leaving me with nothing to cheer for beyond the end of the show. Ben Higgins has left me in the same predictable quagmire in which I so often find myself. That is, with no one to cheer for. I’m not surprised or upset even, just familiarly disappointed.

How I feel every week after this dumb show.

This week’s episode of The Bachelor opens in Mexico City. Ben is particularly excited about his trip, saying, “The people here are always friendly.” Olivia, on the other hand, is excited to discover the bidet in her hotel suite. In both cases, they are excited for the nation of Mexico to deal with their shit.

Amanda receives the first date card, which reads “Lets put all our eggs in one basket.” She reacts with all the stone-faced excitement a 25-year-old Botox user can muster, by vaguely parting her mouth. Hope it was worth it, Amanda. You may not be able to express basic human emotion, but at least you still look 25.

Pictured: Amanda smiling... or angry... or maybe horny?

The date begins at 4:20 AM as Ben breaks into the women’s suites in search of Amanda. Apparently, waking every contestant from a deep sleep was somehow integral to the date. Ben uses the opportunity to tell each of the disoriented women that they look beautiful despite the fact that no one really seemed to know what was going on. No one wakes up at 4:20 AM unless a fire alarm is going off or your stoner roommate got morning and night confused again.

In keeping with Ben’s obsession with air travel, he and Amanda take a hot air balloon tour of Mexico City. At this point, it is hard to imagine Ben is more interested in any of these women than he is the concept of air travel. Would it be completely surprising if his final rose went to a prop plane at this point? Ben has at least been inside of the plane, which is more than he can say for any of the women to this point.

At least I think I'm funny.

During the date, Amanda tells Ben more about her daughters and how her ex-husband cheated on her. Ben says that he can’t understand how anyone would ever cheat on a woman like Amanda, despite the fact that he is onThe Bachelor. It takes some real balls to tell a woman that you would never cheat on her and then go on dates with 10 other women.

The group date was next and saw nine of the women attend a Spanish language class before cooking a meal. Ostensibly the Spanish lesson was meant to help the contestants shop for food in a local market. However the contestants only learned romantic phrases like, “I’m falling in love with you,” and “I want to kiss you.” Unless they planned to trade hand jobs for vegetables, the Spanish lessons were pretty pointless.

Somehow the women managed to find their ingredients and began cooking. Olivia decides to put crickets on her dish because, “they (Mexicans) all like crickets!” I’d be inclined to call her racist if she wasn’t so incredibly stupid, not that those two things are in any way exclusive. Meanwhile, Jojo makes a misshapen lump of tortilla and calls it a taco. Specifically she says, “I know my taco is delicious… Ben already tasted my taco and loved it.” Slow down, JoJo. The fantasy suite dates aren’t for several weeks. There will be plenty of time for Ben to taste your taco then.

"You get it right? The double entendre? How taco has two meanings? I am very clever and gross."

If the women were bad, our bachelor was worse. Shortly after declaring himself “The Spatulor,” Ben burns bread in a skillet. The fact that none of the contestants saw this double dose of ineptitude and left the show is a testament to both their cluelessness and their low standards.

Later that night, the group reconvened for a miniature cocktail party. Olivia ruffled a few feathers when she again jumped at the opportunity to speak to Ben before anyone else, however it was Jubilee who really stole the show.  Once Jubilee and Ben had a few moments together, she admitted to being uncomfortable as one of 10 women dating the same guy. Ben then took the opportunity to chastise Jubilee for not wanting to hold his hand and kicked her off the show. Apparently there is no clause in The Bachelor contract to keep you from being an asshole.

The final date of the evening went to Lauren H. She and Ben went to fashion week in Mexico City, and even had a chance to model some clothes during a show. If we’re being honest, I hardly watched this segment and took even fewer notes. All I wrote down about Lauren H is, “goofy,” and “has a shitty ex.” At least I think that was about Lauren H. Realistically, it could be about anyone on this show.

It's like Where's Waldo if everyone was Waldo and had a shitty ex.

After Lauren H’s date came the final cocktail party. Olivia managed to put her foot in her mouth (figuratively, though I believe she could actually do it) when she mocked Amanda for having children. “I’m not sure why he’d want to date her, “ she said “I’ve got my shit together.” No you don’t, Olivia. That’s why you’re on this show. If you had your shit together you wouldn’t be starting fights in primetime over a man you don’t actually know.

Olivia also told Amanda that her life was like an episode of Teen Mom. When an awkward silence ensued, Olivia then tried to explain what Teen Mom was, as if that was the problem with what she said. Most of the women looked shocked that Olivia would say something so thoughtless. Amanda decided instead to stare at her with a stone face, because that was the only option available to her.

Outraged by Olivia, the women each pull Ben aside to tell him about how Olivia is a bully and get her kicked off the show, apparently not seeing the irony of the situation.  Ben thinks about what each of the women says before asking Olivia to talk before the ensuing rose ceremony. To be continued…

I know, Ben. I know.

Well, it wouldn’t be a season of The Bachelor if they actually stuck to the format of the show. If anything, I’m surprised it took them this long to miss a rose ceremony. Not that any of this matters, mind you. As soon as this show lost both Jubilee and Lace, my interest went completely out the window. Oh well, only a few episodes left.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel