Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Episode 7: Going Deep

A pair of apologies before we begin. First, I'm sorry for the lateness of this post. A last minute change in my work plans required me to be awake at 5:30 this morning, and the prospect trudging through today on four hours of sleep was too much to handle. Second, inclement weather in my area resulted in multiple breaks in programming for tornado warnings from the local ABC affiliate. Because of this, I missed several climaxes of the show, including a literal climax between Kaitlyn and Nick. I filled in the gaps as best I could, but I apologize if I missed anything.

The episode opens in San Antonio with Ian confronting Kaitlyn about his lack of interest in both her (as a woman) and his fellow contestants (as human beings.) Yes, we saw this last week, and yes, there was no reason to split this over two episodes. We all know that, and yet, here we are. Long story short, Ian talks about how much "deeper" and more intellectual he is than anyone else on The Bachelorette. He calls Kaitlyn shallow and accuses her of wanting nothing more than to make out with a bunch of guys. Then he leaves, never hesitating to plug his his time at Princeton and desire to be the next Bachelor. Quick tip for anyone trying to become a reality TV protagonist: try to avoid calling the only woman on the show a slut and then talking about how smart you are. Best case scenario, you'll get a look like this...

This is overacting even by The Bachelorette standards.

After Ian's departure, Kaitlyn sits alone, obviously upset by his accusations. The only guy who goes to check on her is Nick, who is still supposedly a "bad guy." That's right, he's a bad guy who consoles women who have just been verbally slandered. Can someone explain again how Nick is evil? So far, the most evil thing he has done is wear excessively tight pants. 

Nick's conversation with Kaitlyn seemed to serve as foreshadowing for the rest of the episode. The two made out for what felt like an eternity, while Nick's voice over included phrases like "I want to know her inside and out" and "I want her to open up to me." Given the events of this episode, it's a real Checkov's gun scenario.

What about my gun?

Both Joshua and Justin were sent home in the rose ceremony, I assume because Kaitlyn couldn't stand looking at their terrible choices in hairstyles any longer. Joshua inexplicably chose to keep the accidental "half-mohawk" from last week, while Justin continued a long trend of ever-changing, yet always appalling, hair based decisions. We have seen Justin's hair in a side part, middle part, and even slicked back, all of which made me think he probably has no friends or family. Surely someone would have told him how stupid he looks, right?

(For more on my feelings about Justin's hair, see Kaitlyn's expression at the top of the blog.)

Post-roses, the group finds out they will be traveling to Dublin, Ireland. As a fan of Irish things (i.e. beer, whiskey, and gay marriage) I was excited to hear this. Jared was excited too, saying "Dublin has everything from pubs to cathedrals." While that is true of Dublin, it is also true of almost every major city on earth. If all Jared needs for a good time is Jesus and wine, he should check out a Catholic Mass. There's all the Jesus you can handle and free wine!

"Better turn this water into wine, Jared is coming over later."

Much to the chagrin of the others, Nick gets the first one on one date in Dublin. He and Kaitlyn walk the streets alternating between disgusting viewers with their constant groping and disgusting the Irish population with terrible step dancing. How the Irish citizens managed to refrain from going full "Easter Rising" on these two is beyond me. I suppose it was a small grace to see Kaitlyn so terrified of Irish pigeons, after thoroughly mocking their culture.

Hey! Irish Pigeons! New band name!

(For more on my feelings about Kaitlyn and Nick's interactions with the Irish, see Kaitlyn's expression at the top of the blog.)

Kaitlyn and Nick eventually meet for dinner in an old church, where even the presence of Catholic Jesus (widely considered to be the most disapproving Jesus) cannot belay their lust. The two grope each other and whisper about their "struggle to hold back." Their struggle was short lived, as Kaitlyn eventually invited Nick back to her room.

Why? Why must I be omnipresent and see these things?

The two make out in her room, in front of what I have to think is the unluckiest cameraman in the world, before retiring to her bedroom and locking the door. It was at this point, shortly after the first sounds of sex, that my cable cut to a weather update. Having not actually seen what happened, I'm forced to guess how the show depicted their evening. Piecing together clues from the night, I can only assume that Chris Harrison immediately kicked in the bedroom door, yelling "I've waited long enough! Lets make this a three way!" I also assume that ABC showed said events in graphic detail. There was no evidence in what I saw to suggest that this didn't happen.

After this (assumed) disgusting threesome, the show cuts to the morning after. Sharp eyed viewers will have noticed the footage of both birds and bees, which I was actually impressed with. Well done, ABC. Well done. Kaitlyn talks about how guilty she feels for having fucked one of her numerous boyfriends and hopes Nick will keep it a secret. He does, at least for the time being, keep Kaitlyn's secret. 

Which is impressive, given his history.

Immediately following this debacle was the group date. As host, and department store mannequin come to life, Chris Harrison put it, the group date would be an Irish wake for the very much alive Kaitlyn. The guys eulogize her in turn, ranging from rhythymless limericks to atonal parodies of "Danny Boy." With the exception of Ben Z's emotional speech in the wake of his mother's own death, these were pretty uninteresting. After some lame jokes and digs at Nick, Jared was awarded the rose.

(For more on my feelings about the eulogies, see Kaitlyn's expression at the top of the blog.)

As a reward for his functionally acceptable eulogy, Kaitlyn took Jared to yet another church to watch her favorite band play a private concert. The Cranberries. That's right, Kaitlyn Bristowe's favorite band is The Cranberries. Wait... What?

No one's favorite band is The Cranberries. I mean that literally. Dolores O'Riordan's favorite band isn't even The Cranberries, and you don't get that joke because you didn't know that Dolores O'Riordan is the lead singer of The Cranberries because no one's favorite band is The Cranberries.

A real Zombie of a band.

Not everyone is happy about Jared receiving a rose, however. Shawn pulls a producer aside to complain about the lack of attention he is receiving from Kaitlyn. It is unacceptable to his egocentric brain for anyone else to succeed but him. The show ends with Shawn entering Kaitlyn's room, saying "I can't do this anymore."

This ending would be a cliffhanger if you like Shawn, however, I do not. Outside of looking like a Semitic Ryan Gossling (you know what I mean,) Shawn brings absolutely nothing of interest to the table. If I wanted to watch a good looking, soft spoken, egomaniac talk about love, I'd go watch the actual Ryan Gossling in the first hour of The Notebook. At least that movie isn't constantly interrupted by severe weather updates.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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