Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Episode 8: She's a Mess

Let's get this out of the way before doing anything else. Tonight's episode of The Bachelorette was terrible. If you haven't seen it yet, don't bother. Episodes like these are like Jane Austen novels. People talk in circles about their feelings until I find myself not paying attention for minutes at a time. In both cases, I pretend to know a lot more about what happens than I actually do.

If Keira Knightly can star in an adaptation of your work, it can't be too complicated.

Tonight's episode, as it is wont to do these days, opened with Shawn confronting Kaitlyn. He point blank asks if she loves him, which even a Bachelorette newcomer like myself knows she can't answer. Kaitlyn says that she is "falling in love" with Shawn. Apparently, using the word "falling" to qualify your feelings makes them more acceptable now? Let me give it a shot. I am falling into hatred of this show. Was that right?

Kaitlyn reassures Shawn for what feels like an hour, but in actuality was maybe ten minutes. He left, either happy or just placated. It was hard to tell. Regardless, Shawn was definitely drunk.

The first actual date of the evening was a two on one including Joe and JJ. For those unfamiliar with the concept of a two on one date, why are you getting your Bachelorette information from me? This blog is a terrible source of information. If you really want to know what is going on in the show, just go watch it, or better yet, don't. If you're determined to learn thing from me, a two on one date basically mandates that at least one of the contestants is going home during the date. If it sounds kind of harsh, that's because it is.

Kaitlyn, Joe, and JJ all travel to a small island for a romantic picnic. While on the date, Joe tells Kaitlyn he is falling in love with her. JJ, on the other hand, tells Kaitlyn about the time he cheated on his wife and destroyed his marriage so his time was a little more interesting. Kaitlyn doesn't seem to judge JJ too harshly for this, possibly because of how genuinely remorseful he seemed. Of course, that could be because Kaitlyn herself cheated on seven of her boyfriends the week before when she fucked Nick.

"It's amazing what you can get away with when you're on TV."

At the end of the date, Kaitlyn gave a confusing speech shitting on both Joe and JJ. She doesn't feel strongly enough about Joe, and JJ shouldn't be away from his daughter for longer than necessary. Apparently, Joe's shittiness was less shitty than JJ's shittiness because JJ was left on the island. Initially, it appeared that Joe's shittiness was enough to keep him from getting a rose as well. After leaving the date rose-less, Joe arrives back at the house with a rose. Now this is how the show should be run. Don't make me watch the boring relationship-y stuff. Keep that off the screen, tell me who got a rose, and move on.

Once back, Kaitlyn is immediately confronted by Shawn. He wants her to know what a difficult process this is for him, especially having to watch her go on dates with other guys and… wait. Didn't we just see this exact conversation? Shawn is wearing a different shirt and seems less drunk, so it must be a different day. But they're saying exactly the same things. How is this happening? Did I fall and hit my head?

From what I could tell, this déjà vu inducing conversation differed from its predecessor only in Kaitlyn finally choosing to call Shawn out on being a baby. She admits that she may have reassured him too much, and that he isn't handling the show well. Kaitlyn isn't wrong either. Not only is Shawn insufferably complaining about the structure of a show he signed up for, most of the guys this season have been equally obnoxious. Seemingly every week another guy decides to reveal that he, too, is a whiney asshole. It's like 12 Angry Men, except instead of overcoming racism, the contestants are overcoming their own sense of decency.

Raise your hand if you plan on becoming a douche this season.

Next came the cocktail party. Kaitlyn and the guys toast to how stressed out she is, which seems like more of a grievance than a toast. Taking this as a suggestion to inflict further frustration, Ben H pulls Kaitlyn aside to talk about his feelings. However, he didn't so much "talk about his feelings" as he "rambled aimlessly for several minutes while Kaitlyn smiled and nodded." Watching Ben H grasp for words and make incoherent arguments felt like the second half of Flowers for Algernon.

Nick's conversation with Kaitlyn was no better. She reminded him not to talk about their sexual history, while he stammered, touched his own face, cried, and touched her face. If you told me this guy was actually 13 years old I would believe it.

Kaitlyn also talked to Shawn. Again. He apologized for making her week harder and agreed to take the relationship slower in the future. I honestly didn't listen to much of this conversation, because I'm willing to bet it was exactly the same as everything else we've heard this episode. If I'm wrong about this I'm sorry, but I'm only willing to watch the same thing happen so many times in a row.

Or maybe there was a glitch in the matrix.

There were no roses for Ben Z or Tanner this week. Ben Z surprised me because he has been one of the few not-terrible contestants this season. Given that he fits the equation for a bachelor (hunky-ness plus likability times whiteness squared) I wouldn't be surprised to see a lot more of him later this year. Tanner, on the other hand, disappeared immediately after saying goodbye to Kaitlyn. Hopefully he shows up on Bachelor in Paradise. I liked Tanner.

After the ceremony, Jared and Kaitlyn took a road trip to Killarney while the rest of the guys had to take a bus. The date was cute enough, but Dublin to Killarney is only a three hour drive, hardly a road trip. Along the way, Jared and Kaitlyn stopped and kissed the Blarney Stone for "good luck." That's not why you kiss the Blarney Stone. You kiss the Blarney Stone to achieve the gift of gab. You'd think they would be more eloquent in their explanation given the experience.

After arriving at Kaitlyn's hotel, she says "It's not a legit road trip unless you end it with a cocktail." I don't think that has ever been true, but if I had to guess "end it with a cocktail" is something of a personal motto for Kaitlyn.

Also not a legit road trip unless it begins with a cocktail.

Once she has settled in, Kaitlyn says "Nothing could go wrong" which of course summons the part time Bachelorette host and full time creep, Chris Harrison to prove her wrong. He informs Kaitlyn that hometown dates will be coming up soon and she may need some "off camera time" with some of the guys in order to "get the relationships up to speed." This of course is all code for "you need to fuck more guys so they won't be jealous that you fucked Nick." Not only is this bad advice, it turns Chris Harrison into the most mild mannered pimp imaginable.

The final date of the evening couldn't come soon enough. Cupcake Chris receives a date letter from Kaitlyn inviting him to "Take it to the edge." How this didn't turn out to be a date with U2 is beyond me. They're in Ireland and referencing The Edge. How much more specific can you be? Why do I have to do all the work here, ABC?

I would rather be dumped than watch a U2 show.

Instead, the couple goes on a helicopter ride and picnic. During the picnic, Kaitlyn asks Chris what their lives would be like if she picked him. After he avoids the question entirely, Kaitlyn starts crying and breaks up with him using the "It's not you it's me" line. A few teary eyed questions later, and Kaitlyn leaves Chris. Not to be outdone by nearly everyone else who has left the show, Chris immediately shows his true colors by saying "She deserves a lifetime of happiness, but just isn't ready yet," "She doesn't know what she wants," and "She's a mess" as if there was no other reason Kaitlyn could possibly have for breaking up with him.

Good to know that even this guy was secretly an asshole.

I'll see you next time,

Gossip Squirrel

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