Not that it should come as a surprise to anyone, but I was a
little saltier than normal while watching this week's episode of The Bachelor.
I’m sure it was in large part due to increasing responsibilities outside of This Is Brutal, but it was at least partially
due to the current presidential race. The fact that a reality TV star has
gotten this far in the Republican nomination and it isn’t Chris Harrison is a travesty. Think about it. Chris is used
to being on TV, has perfect hair, and, most importantly, is a white male. That
screams Republican nominee if I’ve ever heard it.
#MakeAmericaDateAgain
This week, The Bachelor gang packs up their bikinis and V-neck
shirts and travels to Jamaica. Upon their arrival, Ben says, "This place
is a paradise!" This is true so long as you don't go more than 500 yards
inland, where gang warfare, sex trafficking, and extreme poverty are the norm.
Other than that, it is a very pretty country. Ben also said that Jamaica seems
like, "a great place to fall in love." I know this is basically a
catch phrase of the show but it makes no sense. If you're only just now falling
in love, what have you been doing for the past eight weeks?
Ben then recaps each of the women in case you are just watching
this show for the first time or are a goldfish.
Like I said, saltier than normal.
Basically me, only with accomplishments.
During the commercial break, Manwich ran an absolutely
incomprehensible ad using Bachelor contestants’ quotes to sell canned “meat”.
Dumb as it may be, the ad makes sense. Both brands treat their products like
pieces of meat, while simultaneously not selling meat at all
Ben's first date was with Caila, a woman who grows tinier and
more adorable with each passing week. I am genuinely concerned that if this
trend continues, Caila will have turned into a Pixar character within the year.
But I digress. Ben and Caila's date consisted mostly of sitting
in silence on a Cast Away style raft floating down a Jamaican river. I wish I
could say more happened on the date, but that would be a lie. It was just a man
and a woman slowly and quietly floating down a river together. The whole date
seemed like how the rafting trip in Deliverance
was supposed to go.
Fun with friends!
The date’s silence was a pleasant break for my sanity, but
apparently it was a bit awkward for both Caila and Ben. Caila is nervous about
the two other women Ben is simultaneously dating, while Ben is nervous that
Caila is stressed because, “If Caila is too in her own head tonight it will
affect our relationship.” You know what will also affect your relationship,
Ben? Not asking your girlfriend what is wrong when she seems uncomfortable.
Seriously, no one expects perfection from you, just a base level of human
decency.
As was the apparent theme of their date, nothing else of note happened
between Ben and Caila. They ate dinner, swam in the ocean, and enjoyed a night
in the fantasy suite.
The next date was Lauren's. On the prospect of her first date in
several days, Lauren said, "I'm excited to see Ben and maybe spend the
night with him! I'm like a little kid!" Wording, Lauren. Unless children
are clamoring to sleep with Ben Higgins, you should really rethink your
wording.
That baby looks appropriately terrified.
On their date, Ben and Lauren helped Mel (a local marine
biologist) release baby sea turtles into the ocean. “Lauren B and I are helping
turtles survive,” Ben triumphantly announced with the confidence and
understanding of a 6 year-old. How old is the “I like turtles” video? Is there
a chance that the kid in that video is just a young Ben Higgins? I really hope so.
After the couple finished tossing baby turtles into the ocean,
Ben tells Lauren about his conversation with her sister. Ben recounts how he
cried because Lauren is too good for him. Lauren is then moved to tears because
Ben is too good for her. If you’ve ever been a third wheel with a new couple,
you know exactly what watching this date was like.
Eventually, Lauren is able to muster up the courage to tell Ben
that she loves him. In a surprise move, Ben tells Lauren that he loves her too.
For anyone not in the know, the Bachelor is not supposed to say, “I love you”
to a contestant because it ruins the outcome of the show and is pretty shitty
to the other contestants. Not one to avoid shittiness, Ben says it multiple
times throughout the date. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Ben tells Lauren
he loves her again in the morning, so he wasn’t just drunk.
The final date of the evening went to JoJo. She and Ben went
swimming underneath an absolutely gorgeous set of waterfalls. While swimming, I
noticed for the first time that Ben has a tattoo. There was no real way to make
out what it said, but it’s safe to assume it was a bible quote. Given the
nature of the show he could have gone with Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit
yourselves to your own husbands as you do the Lord.” He also could have gone
with Proverbs 31:10 “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far
more than rubies.” However, given Ben’s apparent stupidity and probable
illiteracy, he probably went with Stone Cold 3:16 “I just whooped your ass.”
The Bachelor 2017
In a near mirror image of a previous date, JoJo finally tells
Ben that she loves him and Ben responds with, “I love you too.” JoJo responds
somewhat hilariously with a shocked, “What?!” as she either knew Ben wasn’t
supposed to say that or was really hoping he wouldn’t reciprocate. At this
point, The Bachelor is basically a
glorified marketing platform, so I really have no idea which one it was.
JoJo would later go on to accept the fantasy suite date. In what
was the most perfectly redundant Bachelor
thing I have ever seen, they traveled to their suite in a helicopter and then
soaked in a hot tub. The hot tub I understand; dating multiple women is
stressful and sometimes you need to relax. But why so much air travel? Is Ben just
trying to earn frequent flyer miles?
Gee, I wonder who is going home this week?
The morning after their fantasy suite date, JoJo says about Ben
leaving, “I wish he wasn’t leaving. That is brutal!” So close, JoJo. So Close.
Once Ben is on his own, he reveals that he doesn’t feel the same
way about Caila that he does about Lauren and JoJo. “At the rose ceremony I’ll
be breaking a woman’s heart.” You know, Ben, you could just save her the
embarrassment and do it now. That would be the normal thing to do for a person
with feelings and a sense of decency. No? Your plan is to wait until the rose
ceremony? Ok, I understand. That’s pretty in line with every other shitty thing
you’ve done this season.
As if the producers heard my angry yells, Caila is prompted to
make a surprise visit to Ben’s suite. She sneaks up and surprises him in what
had to be the most uncomfortable but deserved surprise since To Catch A Predator went off the air.
Ben is visibly uncomfortable and sits Caila down for another awkward
conversation.
Chris Hansen, the 90's Chris Harrison
Ben tries to break up with Caila quickly, but she is having none
of it. After he tells her, “It’s hard to say goodbye,” Caila fires back with,
“That sounds like a line.” She also questions how long he has felt this way,
which Ben most certainly has been lying about, but denies. He tries to justify
his actions towards Caila, but his Bachelor
sense kicks in and he ends up just recapping the show. Well done, Bachelor producers. You have taught Ben
well.
Caila hugs Ben goodbye saying, “I really did love you,” as she
cries adorable tears out of her adorable face. For the first time all season I
feel a twinge of emotion and my heart grew three sizes.
Caila, while leaving,
The show ends with a rose ceremony, because even the producers
knew that there wasn’t enough material to fill two hours without it. Both
Lauren and JoJo get a rose, each unaware that Ben has said, “I love you” to the
other. How I wish someone on the production staff has slipped them a note with
that information so they could have left Ben alone in his Jamaican “paradise.”
Next week is the “Women Tell All” episode and I couldn’t be more
excited. Mostly I just want to see Lace sober (ish) for the first time in
months. If she’s not the next Bachelorette I will complain online.
XOXO
Gossip Squirrel
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