The Bachelor Finale: My Head Is A Mess

Before I even begin to address the shit show that was last night’s season finale of The Bachelor, I have a bone to pick with all of you. For weeks, all I have been hearing is unfounded confirmation that Caila was in line to be the next Bachelorette.  Assuming all you dumb dumbs knew what you were talking about, I spent two weeks writing down jokes about what an odd choice Caila was and how weird it would be to have our first half human-half Muppet Bachelorette.  But what happens last night? Ol’ Chris Harrison goes and announces Chesty JoJo as the next Bachelorette overlord. Are you shitting me? What am I supposed to do with two full pages of Muppet/Hapa jokes? Answer me!

I didn't even want her. Why did I do all this?

With that bit of rage out of my system, let’s transition into a completely different type of anger and discuss last night’s finale episode of The Bachelor.

Chris Harrison is in the studio again tonight to introduce the show/fill time. His presence prior to After The Final Rose is as unwelcome as it is unnecessary, but this is The Bachelor, so it is also unfortunately expected. Keeping with his usual though process of, “Hey, wouldn’t if be terrible if (fill in the blank),” Chris has decided to pressure Ben into getting married tonight. In order to show just how serious he is, he’s even invited the families of both contestants, jeweler Neil Lane, and Ben’s hometown pastor. I have no idea what kind of pastor accepts an invitation to bring together in holy matrimony two people on a polyamorous reality TV show, but my guess is a shitty pastor.

Stop reading that book! You already know what's in there!

In any case, Ben and the ladies are back in Jamaica for this final week. During the first of what must have been 12 montages detailing their final hours of fame, the contestants reflected on their time on the show. Both women stress how much they love Ben and would be devastated were he to not choose them. Ben is also conflicted, albeit in an incredibly stupid way. “My head is a mess,” Ben says, “I can’t help how I feel.” True, Ben can’t help how he feels, but he can help how he acts. I have a lot of feelings about a lot of people but I don’t share them with everyone. If I did, I would be in jail, or at the very least unemployable.

As one does before getting engaged, Ben is now tasked with introducing the women to his parents. Ben’s mom immediately becomes my favorite person when she describes the entire situation as, “really disturbing to me.” God bless you, Amy Higgins. God bless you.

The Bachelorette 2017

Both women’s parental meetings went as smoothly as one could expect. Lauren tells both of Ben’s parents she is ready to be engaged, which they are able to fake smile through. JoJo, on the other hand, stresses how safe Ben makes her feel to his father. David (Ben’s father) really likes JoJo, though he can’t quite articulate why. Gee, I wonder what reason (boobs) David could have (boobs) for being so interested (boobs) in JoJo. The mystery lives on.

Next came Lauren’s final date with Ben as confused as ever. The two made out on a boat for some time before Lauren realized that he seemed conflicted. “He’s thinking about something, but I don’t know what,” she said, completely forgetting everything that had happened to her in the last two months. Eventually, Ben confessed to her that he was nervous because nothing bad had happened yet in their relationship. This is a completely valid reason to be trepidatious about any relationship. Lauren continues to not understand his concerns, however, saying, “I didn’t overthink it as much as I thought I would!” Good for you, Lauren, but overthinking things was never really your problem, was it?

The fourth stooge.

After leaving a confident (if not slightly clueless) Lauren, Ben goes on his final date with JoJo. In a last ditch effort by The Bachelor producers to put JoJo in another swimsuit, she and Ben go for some swimming and general groping in a local lagoon. JoJo, who turns every TV into a 3D TV, tells Ben she is concerned about the distance between their hometowns. Ben reacts as if he just realized that Dallas and Denver were nowhere near each other. Because it is a mantra for the contestants on this show to never be controversial in any way, JoJo immediately walks back her concerns by telling Ben she would move anywhere for him and avoids a painful geography lesson.

Later in the night, JoJo and Ben retreat to her room for drinks. She admits that she is nervous about their relationship, saying, “I’ve only been scared a few times in my life.” Seriously? You’ve only been scared “a few times” in your life? What world do you live in where scary things happen so infrequently? As a single woman in America, you would be justified in being scared every single day.

Ben tries to reassure JoJo that their relationship is perfect and he wouldn’t change a thing. She doesn’t completely buy it and locks herself in the bathroom with Ben to avoid the producers. Behind closed doors, she asks if he also loves Lauren, to which he responds, “Yes.” After some halfhearted consoling from Ben, JoJo ends the night crying alone in her room.

Don't feel too bad. This is how we met her.

Finished with the final dates, Ben sits down with the tacky jeweler himself, Neil Lane. Neil asks Ben if he knows who he has chosen yet, which gives Ben pause. After a brief moment to collect his thoughts, Ben says that he has. As we would later find out, Ben asked himself, “Which woman can I not live without?” to make his decision. Excuse me for a moment while I have a quick aside with Ben.

Ben, what the fuck have you been doing for the last two months? That is the only question you are supposed to be asking during this entire competition and you just now realized it on the last day of filming? There is literally nothing else you have to worry about, except finding a woman you cannot live without. That is your one job. You don’t have to set up the dates or even pay for them. Hell, you barely have to be interesting. All you have to do is find a woman to propose to, and you forgot about it until the very last night. I’m not disappointed in you, Ben. I’m actually mad.

Who could have known this guy would turn out to be kind of stupid?

At the final rose ceremony, JoJo is the first to arrive. As we all know, this means she will be eliminated from competition. After a long walk to Ben and a lengthy speech, Ben finally tells JoJo, “I found love with you, but I found it with someone else more.” For being someone Ben claimed to love, he sure let JoJo get a long way into the ceremony before dumping her. Call me crazy, but if I loved someone I wouldn’t drag out our breakup  on national TV in the name of entertainment. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a human being with feelings and empathy.

Ben sheds a brief tear over JoJo before picking up the phone to call Lauren’s dad to ask for his blessing. Given that it would probably not look great for him to say no and call Ben a creep in primetime, Mr. B relents.

With her father’s blessing, Ben proposes to Lauren. She of course says yes, and the two are whisked out of sight, hopefully forever.

Goodnight, and good riddance.

I wish After the Final Rose was more interesting than it really was. Ben says that the show was difficult, but worth it. He and JoJo have a completely civil conversation about their breakup and each speaks highly of the other. Ben and Lauren come out for the first time as a couple and do couple shit in front of everyone. Chris Harrison tried to convince them to get married in the remaining ten minutes of airtime, but they refused. There was a brief moment of surprise when Jimmy Kimmel interrupted to ask Ben how sex worked and if he was having it, but it blended in with the rest of the monotony. All in all, it was time filling for time filling’s sake.

A sincere thank you is due to everyone who read these dumb thoughts all season. I genuinely don’t know if I will do this again for The Bachelorette. If I do, I’ll see you all at the end of May for JoJo’s season. If not, goodbye forever.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor: Women Tell All

How do I keep fooling myself like this? Every year I get it in my head that The Bachelor: Women Tell All is some lascivious expose about life on the show. I expect a grand spectacle on par with the Roman Senate; I expect grand speeches, personal attacks, and maybe even a stabbing or two. Instead what we are left with much more closely resembled the American Senate as opposed to the Roman one. Women thanked the troops, defended the heroic nature of all mothers, and were generally ignorant of racial and misogynist comments they were making. I'm actually surprised The Bachelor doesn't air on CSPAN.

Who has smaller hands? Donald Trump? Or this guy?

The show opens with Chris Harrison and Bachelor Ben crashing The Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles. It is frankly amazing that neither Chris nor Ben were shot considering what they were doing is just a filmed version of a B&E. This is America, after all. You can't look at someone the wrong way without giving them probable cause.

Watching women after women squeal at the very idea of Ben being in the same room gave me a sudden realization; they never do this shit with The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn and Andi never had to pile into a van with Chris Harrison and surprise local viewers. I suspect this is because viewers wouldn't scream with glee for Kaitlyn as much as they would judge her outfit. Women! Am I right?

I'm sorry, has some terrible comedian already covered that point before?

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduces the women of season 20. Among the contestants were Lace (the human disaster), Olivia (the psychotic), Jubilee (the complicated human), as well as several other women I don’t remember seeing at any point during the show. Also present was “chicken enthusiast” Tiara, with her chicken, Sheila. I’d call this a ploy for attention, but Tiara didn’t actually say anything and seemed perfectly content to sit there with a chicken in her lap. Congratulations to you and your cock, Tiara.

I've never seen a woman hold a cock so comfortably on national TV before.

Chris then opens the floor to the women to discuss their time on the show. Olivia begins lamenting her pariah status before being interrupted by Sheila the chicken, squawking and generally making a ruckus. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time a cock distracted a woman… Actually I’m not going to finish that thought.

Leah takes advantage of the cock-straction and tries to defend herself against the idea that she plotted against Lauren B. “I didn’t intentionally lie,” she says, apparently forgetting that there is video footage of her doing exactly that. Unfortunately for her, no one buys this excuse, and Leah fades back into obscurity before our very eyes.

Seizing upon Leah’s non-momentum, Jubilee jumps in to say she feels misunderstood by the other women in the house. According to her, no one ever said they had a problem with her, and she was unaware of how she was being perceived in the house. In response, both Jami and Amber (who are both mixed race) accused Jubilee of saying, “She would be the first black woman to go far on the show.” After flip-flopping on whether or not she actually made the comment, Jubilee eventually would offer a somewhat half-hearted apology. The show moved on from there, but the fact that this discussion was afforded a grand total of six minutes was a huge disappointment.

Keeping in mind that I am neither black nor a woman, I’m going to do the white male thing and comment on this anyway. I have no idea what it is like to be black, mixed race, or a woman. Barring any shocking developments, I will probably never know what their lives are like. That being said, there is something sinister about two sets of traditionally disenfranchised people being pitted against each other in front of a predominately white audience and white male host. The easier, and frankly more fruitful, conversation to have would be, “What role did race play in your lives and on the show?” Instead we were treated to a parade of, “Who is more black?”

Sam Jackson is more black. Always.

After the most unfulfilling conversation in the world wraps up, Lace joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat. She is immediately treated to a near Jackass level series of clips detailing her drunken bad decisions. Lace responds to this public humiliation by saying that she is currently working to better and love herself to avoid these mistakes in the future. She then agrees to go on Bachelor in Paradise, proving that she hasn’t actually bettered herself at all.

Also, some staged idiot from the audience surprisingly interrupts the show to show her the fake tattoo he got of her face. Men of the world, please remember that if you do this in real life you will be arrested for stalking.

We can all pretend this isn't Sharpie right?

Olivia was next in the hot seat and boy was it a doozy. Chris treats her to yet another video package designed to highlight her “craziness.” Olivia says that the video was, “brutal to watch” (So close!) and that she isn’t proud of who she was on the show.  She also claims to have been unaware about how she was viewed by the other women on the show, a point that is quickly pounced upon by several women.

The twins, Emily and Hayley, had the most to say about Olivia’s perceived faux-sincerity. They recount the time Olivia referred to fellow contestant Amanda as a “Teen Mom,” and the numerous times they felt slut shamed by her. Olivia responds by saying she felt bullied by them as well, and if she came across as aggressive it was only because they were mean to her. The twins claim that their rudeness is beside the point and Olivia is the real bully. In reality, this entire problem could have been solved if both parties had just announced, “We are all terrible people!” and let it go.

Not one to take my advice, Olivia presses on. Jennifer (a woman whom I honestly don’t remember being on the show) accuses Olivia of being elitist while claiming, “We like to talk smart things too!” Several other women jump on this bandwagon repeating Olivia’s now infamous phrase, “Talk smart things,” back at her. As a staunch proponent for female empowerment, it completely shattered my heart to see these women repeating the dumbest statement I have ever heard in an attempt to make their point.

I expect nothing and I'm still disappointed.

Olivia ended her time in the hot seat by claiming she had never been bullied this badly since grade school. Considering the level of dialogue on The Women Tell All, that is an entirely believable point except for one thing. Not even grade school children are so grammatically inept to say they, “also like to talk smart things.”

Caila is the final woman of the evening to join Chris Harrison in the hot seat. Unlike the hyper and smiley Caila we have seen to date, Caila tonight was a calm, measured, anti-Muppet. She claims to have never seen the breakup coming and was devastated by the entire affair. I would have had a lot more emotional attachment to her entire appearance if it weren’t so obvious that she was being set up to be the next Bachelorette.

Finally, after much ado about quite literally nothing, Ben Higgins comes to the hot seat. Chris Harrison shows yet another video package which I would like to make a joke about, but seeing as there have been upwards of five video packages tonight alone, will refrain from. No one enjoys hearing the same joke over and over, save for Jeff Foxworthy fans.

Immediately after sitting down, Ben is “confronted” by Amanda and Caila. Amanda reinforces the Bachelor narrative by thanking Ben for his time with her and commending his time with her children. Caila also says she was appreciative of her time with Ben, presumably because if she didn’t she would lose her shot at being the next Bachelorette. Ben then thanks Caila for her time and reminisces about their time together in the Bahamas, saying, “We just explored life to a level I never experienced.” I can only assume this means Caila put her finger in Ben’s butt.

Happy International Women's Day!

As the night came to a close, Ben spoke with several other Bachelor women. His main goal seemed to be assuring them that they were not solely at fault for the failed relationship. Nice though that thought might be, it would have been a lot nicer if he weren’t the person with all the power in each of their respective relationships.

Chris Harrison ends the show with a blooper reel, introduced by the phrase, “I’ve got bloopers!” I’d be lying if I didn’t initially think he was announcing that he shit his pants on national TV.

There’s one disaster of an episode left, everyone. I hope you’ll join me next week to see Ben Higgins absolutely devastate a grown woman in prime time.

The Bachelor Episode 9: Like A Little Kid

Not that it should come as a surprise to anyone, but I was a little saltier than normal while watching this week's episode of The Bachelor. I’m sure it was in large part due to increasing responsibilities outside of This Is Brutal, but it was at least partially due to the current presidential race. The fact that a reality TV star has gotten this far in the Republican nomination and it isn’t Chris Harrison is a travesty. Think about it. Chris is used to being on TV, has perfect hair, and, most importantly, is a white male. That screams Republican nominee if I’ve ever heard it.

#MakeAmericaDateAgain

This week, The Bachelor gang packs up their bikinis and V-neck shirts and travels to Jamaica. Upon their arrival, Ben says, "This place is a paradise!" This is true so long as you don't go more than 500 yards inland, where gang warfare, sex trafficking, and extreme poverty are the norm. Other than that, it is a very pretty country. Ben also said that Jamaica seems like, "a great place to fall in love." I know this is basically a catch phrase of the show but it makes no sense. If you're only just now falling in love, what have you been doing for the past eight weeks?

Ben then recaps each of the women in case you are just watching this show for the first time or are a goldfish.

Like I said, saltier than normal.

Basically me, only with accomplishments.

During the commercial break, Manwich ran an absolutely incomprehensible ad using Bachelor contestants’ quotes to sell canned “meat”. Dumb as it may be, the ad makes sense. Both brands treat their products like pieces of meat, while simultaneously not selling meat at all

Ben's first date was with Caila, a woman who grows tinier and more adorable with each passing week. I am genuinely concerned that if this trend continues, Caila will have turned into a Pixar character within the year.

But I digress. Ben and Caila's date consisted mostly of sitting in silence on a Cast Away style raft floating down a Jamaican river. I wish I could say more happened on the date, but that would be a lie. It was just a man and a woman slowly and quietly floating down a river together. The whole date seemed like how the rafting trip in Deliverance was supposed to go.

Fun with friends!

The date’s silence was a pleasant break for my sanity, but apparently it was a bit awkward for both Caila and Ben. Caila is nervous about the two other women Ben is simultaneously dating, while Ben is nervous that Caila is stressed because, “If Caila is too in her own head tonight it will affect our relationship.” You know what will also affect your relationship, Ben? Not asking your girlfriend what is wrong when she seems uncomfortable. Seriously, no one expects perfection from you, just a base level of human decency.

As was the apparent theme of their date, nothing else of note happened between Ben and Caila. They ate dinner, swam in the ocean, and enjoyed a night in the fantasy suite.

The next date was Lauren's. On the prospect of her first date in several days, Lauren said, "I'm excited to see Ben and maybe spend the night with him! I'm like a little kid!" Wording, Lauren. Unless children are clamoring to sleep with Ben Higgins, you should really rethink your wording.

That baby looks appropriately terrified.

On their date, Ben and Lauren helped Mel (a local marine biologist) release baby sea turtles into the ocean. “Lauren B and I are helping turtles survive,” Ben triumphantly announced with the confidence and understanding of a 6 year-old. How old is the “I like turtles” video? Is there a chance that the kid in that video is just a young Ben Higgins? I really hope so.

After the couple finished tossing baby turtles into the ocean, Ben tells Lauren about his conversation with her sister. Ben recounts how he cried because Lauren is too good for him. Lauren is then moved to tears because Ben is too good for her. If you’ve ever been a third wheel with a new couple, you know exactly what watching this date was like.

Eventually, Lauren is able to muster up the courage to tell Ben that she loves him. In a surprise move, Ben tells Lauren that he loves her too. For anyone not in the know, the Bachelor is not supposed to say, “I love you” to a contestant because it ruins the outcome of the show and is pretty shitty to the other contestants. Not one to avoid shittiness, Ben says it multiple times throughout the date. Oh, and in case you were wondering, Ben tells Lauren he loves her again in the morning, so he wasn’t just drunk.

The final date of the evening went to JoJo. She and Ben went swimming underneath an absolutely gorgeous set of waterfalls. While swimming, I noticed for the first time that Ben has a tattoo. There was no real way to make out what it said, but it’s safe to assume it was a bible quote. Given the nature of the show he could have gone with Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do the Lord.” He also could have gone with Proverbs 31:10 “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” However, given Ben’s apparent stupidity and probable illiteracy, he probably went with Stone Cold 3:16 “I just whooped your ass.”

The Bachelor 2017

In a near mirror image of a previous date, JoJo finally tells Ben that she loves him and Ben responds with, “I love you too.” JoJo responds somewhat hilariously with a shocked, “What?!” as she either knew Ben wasn’t supposed to say that or was really hoping he wouldn’t reciprocate. At this point, The Bachelor is basically a glorified marketing platform, so I really have no idea which one it was.

JoJo would later go on to accept the fantasy suite date. In what was the most perfectly redundant Bachelor thing I have ever seen, they traveled to their suite in a helicopter and then soaked in a hot tub. The hot tub I understand; dating multiple women is stressful and sometimes you need to relax. But why so much air travel? Is Ben just trying to earn frequent flyer miles?

Gee, I wonder who is going home this week?

The morning after their fantasy suite date, JoJo says about Ben leaving, “I wish he wasn’t leaving. That is brutal!” So close, JoJo. So Close.

Once Ben is on his own, he reveals that he doesn’t feel the same way about Caila that he does about Lauren and JoJo. “At the rose ceremony I’ll be breaking a woman’s heart.” You know, Ben, you could just save her the embarrassment and do it now. That would be the normal thing to do for a person with feelings and a sense of decency. No? Your plan is to wait until the rose ceremony? Ok, I understand. That’s pretty in line with every other shitty thing you’ve done this season.

As if the producers heard my angry yells, Caila is prompted to make a surprise visit to Ben’s suite. She sneaks up and surprises him in what had to be the most uncomfortable but deserved surprise since To Catch A Predator went off the air. Ben is visibly uncomfortable and sits Caila down for another awkward conversation.

Chris Hansen, the 90's Chris Harrison

Ben tries to break up with Caila quickly, but she is having none of it. After he tells her, “It’s hard to say goodbye,” Caila fires back with, “That sounds like a line.” She also questions how long he has felt this way, which Ben most certainly has been lying about, but denies. He tries to justify his actions towards Caila, but his Bachelor sense kicks in and he ends up just recapping the show. Well done, Bachelor producers. You have taught Ben well.

Caila hugs Ben goodbye saying, “I really did love you,” as she cries adorable tears out of her adorable face. For the first time all season I feel a twinge of emotion and my heart grew three sizes.

Caila, while leaving,

The show ends with a rose ceremony, because even the producers knew that there wasn’t enough material to fill two hours without it. Both Lauren and JoJo get a rose, each unaware that Ben has said, “I love you” to the other. How I wish someone on the production staff has slipped them a note with that information so they could have left Ben alone in his Jamaican “paradise.”

Next week is the “Women Tell All” episode and I couldn’t be more excited. Mostly I just want to see Lace sober (ish) for the first time in months. If she’s not the next Bachelorette I will complain online.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel