The Bachelor: My Vagine Is Platinum

Before we begin, I'd like to extend heartfelt congratulations to Rachel Lindsay on being announced as our next Bachelorette. I genuinely did not know if I would live to see a black bachelorette in my lifetime, which is saying something considering both modern medicine and the fact that I'm still in my 20s. Regardless, congratulations to Rachel on her new crown. May she wear it well.

On the flip side, I'd also like to extend a hearty "go fuck yourself" to Bachelor/ette Executive Producer and human turd, Mike Fleiss, for delighting in his long overdue designation of a black person as a lead on his show.  For the unaware, Fleiss has spent the last week tweeting out poorly written "clues" about who the next Bachelorette will be including, "This history-making, historic announcement could be the most history in the history of #thebachelor." You'd think a man who has a combined 33 seasons of The Bachelor/ette to his name would be somewhat ashamed that it took so long to have a black protagonist. Instead, Fleiss is spending his time self-congratulating and pretending the show has overcome something that isn't his own racist tendencies.

Yep. It's going to be one of those kind of posts.

"It's historic because she's black, and I've never let those people on my shows." - Probably Mike Fleiss

Lets move on from the blatant racism of The Bachelor producers to the casual racism of the show itself. Last night’s episode began on the morning following Nick’s emotional breakdown. Through a series of dramatic pauses, Nick confesses to Chris Harrison that he is nervous that none of these relationships will work out. Oh Nick, you don’t have to be nervous about these relationships not working out. This is The Bachelor; these relationships definitely won’t work out.

Nick returns to the women and tells them that although he is incredibly nervous about whether this show will actually result in a long-term relationship for him, he feels confident about their relationships and will continue on the show. The women are relieved and take this for the compliment that it absolutely is not.

Already having put the women through a stressful night and a bullshit excuse the next morning, Nick decided to show a rare bit of good decision making and canceled the upcoming Rose Ceremony. He then announced that the show would be traveling to Bimini. The women were all beyond excited, unlike myself who hastily Googled “where is Bimini?” during the upcoming commercial break.

I Google image searched Bimini. Is this it?

Once in Bimini, Nick grabs Vanessa for the first one on one date of the evening. The two hop onto a yacht where Vanessa immediately tries to make Nick apologize for his antics last week. Both spout off clichés and meaningless metaphors until neither is mad anymore. Granted, neither is mad because they have been talking in circles for over an hour, but at least they are not mad.

Later at dinner, Vanessa tells Nick that she is falling in love with him. Nick responds by immediately breaking eye contact and mumbling something about how he only wants to say, “I love you” to one person. I’m not sure what kind of mental math Nick is working with here, but he needs to show his work. I’ve personally blogged about him saying, “I love you” to at least two women. However he is explaining this sudden inability to express love, it is lost on me.

Next came the group date between Corinne, Kristina, and Raven. Because Bimini is small and there isn’t much to actually do, Nick takes the three women back out on the same boat he and Vanessa were just on. The four date goers go snorkeling with sharks before Kristina suddenly realizes that sharks can eat people and hurriedly swims back to the boat. Nick swims after her leaving Corinne and Raven alone in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Somehow this qualifies as a “good date.”

Nick, back on the boat.

Later that evening, Nick pulls each of the women aside individually. First is Kristina to whom he apologizes for his recent emotional outbursts. Kristina comforts him by shrugging and making out with him. Somehow I can’t help but feel like Nick got the better end of the deal in this exchange.

Meaningless though Nick’s conversation with Kristina was, his conversations with Raven and Corinne were downright pointless. Raven told Nick that her dad used to have lung cancer but is fine now, which led to a well-deserved awkward silence. Then Corinne told him she was upset to have never received a one on one date. It was a fair criticism that Nick countered by saying, “but our relationship is good!” This non-sequitor calmed Corinne long enough for Nick to run away and give the date rose to Raven. What a complete waste of time.

Danielle M’s date came next. She and Nick rode bikes, visited local shops, and got schooled in basketball by some local youths, because again, there isn’t much to do on Bimini. I don’t know if it was the weeks of nonstop drinking, or the lack of glamorous activities, but Nick and Danielle’s date fell completely flat. The two spent a majority of their time asking close-ended questions and staring into the middle distance hoping something noteworthy would happen.

It never did.

Hard to imagine the guy chugging foam wouldn't be a stunning conversationalist.

Later that night, Danielle would attempt to save her relationship by telling Nick, “You’re fun to have fun with” before confessing her love. Nick on the other hand grimaced so hard it was hard to imagine he wasn’t already planning to break up with her. Nick goes on to give his standard rambling monologue about how “great you are,” and how, “I can’t love you like I need to,” before finally dumping Danielle. He has used the same speech for nearly every break up to this point, but damn if it isn’t effective.

Danielle returns to the house to pack her belongings crying all along the way. At one point, Danielle stopped and stared at the door, wishing for Nick to come through and take her back. This hits way too close to home. May the road rise to meet you, Danielle.

No matter what, we'll always have whatever this is.

Seeing Danielle leave and realizing that she could be next, Corinne takes it upon herself to chug a liter of wine before storming off to sexually assault Nick. She meanders through the resort before stumbling upon Nick’s room and sweet-talking her way inside. There, after half a drink, Corinne pulls Nick into the bedroom and attempts to play sexy games with him. Nick puts a stop to this almost immediately out of respect for the other women, but also because even he isn’t drunk enough for this shit. Corinne, on the other hand, leaves humiliated.

The final date of the evening went to Rachel and I honestly can’t think of a more pointless date this season. Rachel was great, of course, but the recent news of her being named the next Bachelorette renders everything that happens in the coming weeks completely pointless. At this point, I’m just riding out the weeks until Rachel’s season.

"Look how black she is! I'm a hero!" - Mike Fleiss

The episode ends with Nick arriving at the women’s house and asking to speak to Kristina. He pulls her outside and tells her that he has love for her, but isn’t in love with her. Despite her insistence to remain, Nick does not want to drag Kristina along unnecessarily and without reason. The two share a tearful goodbye as the episode ends.

That’s all until next week.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel

The Bachelor Episode 7: A Virgin Sacrifice

For a show that portrays itself as a beacon of true love, The Bachelor became a miserable slog throughout last night's episode.  Each of the remaining women was moved to tears at least once during the episode, usually as the result of another woman's happiness. This process continued in circular fashion until the contestants were too emotionally drained to put forth any further objection. Well done, Ben. You've made a group of teary-eyed zombie wives. Also, I'd like to claim "Teary Eyed Zombie Wives" for my next band's name.

Speaking of teary-eyed, where was this angel when we needed her?

In what was the first of many disappointments for the women this week, The Bachelor moves from The Bahamas to Ben's hometown of Warsaw, Indiana. The only situation where leaving The Bahamas for Indiana isn't tragic is if you're a Bahamian basketball player who has just been drafted by the Pacers. Even then, someone is paying you millions of dollars just to offset the fact that you have to live in Indiana.

After briefly pausing to toss leaves at each other (as all good friends do), the women are greeted by Ben Higgins slowly approaching on a pontoon boat. That's right, a pontoon boat. You know, the boat that provides all the transportation options of a speedboat but without any of the fun or speed. Apparently after blowing this season’s budget on hot tubs and unnecessary air travel, Ben is now reduced to the Indiana equivalent of “caulking the wagon” in The Oregon Trail.

How I feel watching this show.

Once Captain Ben and the Bachelorettes (another great band name) disembark, Ben reveals that he will be taking Lauren B on a date. Upon hearing this, the other women immediately become jealous of Lauren and her good luck. As much as I'd like to poke fun at this, it happens literally for the rest of the episode and I don't want to tire myself out.

Lauren and Ben travel to a nearby youth club where Ben used to volunteer and play games with some of the local kids. While on the date, a bet is made that if Ronnie (a youth center regular) can make a half-court shot, Lauren has to kiss Ben. Ronnie nails the shot and then, while Lauren is kissing Ben, nails two more in a row. For some reason, the focus of the show continues to be on Ben and Lauren instead of Ronnie, who clearly just established himself as the greatest basketball player of all time. Hell, two Indiana Pacers (Paul George and George Hill) show up halfway through the date, and all I want to see is Ronnie shoot from half court.

Give me more Ronnie and less of this.

After leaving the youth center, Ben and Lauren had drinks and talked about their feelings. I don’t need or want to explain this too much, but needless to say they are now very happy. In celebration of their renewed happiness, Ben takes Lauren to the local dive bar, though it just as easily could have been a barn with thirty drunks inside. Warsaw is truly a terrible place.

JoJo received the next date card, much to the chagrin of literally everyone in the house. Becca, Caila, Amanda, and Emily are upset because they have not received a one on one date this week. Lauren B is upset because she just had a one on one date with Ben but now it’s someone else’s turn. Even JoJo is upset that she received the date card because Lauren B received a date card before her. There is literally no winning.

For their date, Ben and Lauren travel to Wrigley Field where they take batting practice and generally desecrate America’s pastime. It actually makes sense that The Bachelor would shoot at the home of the Chicago Cubs. Both franchises have had about three successful seasons over the last 20 years, and only one season in the last 108 years that resulted in a ring. Plus, years of cheering for the Cubs have prepared Ben for dealing with depressed, emotionally unstable drunks. I, for one, would like The Bachelor to return to Wrigley Field every year if for no other reason that to watch Cubs fans collectively lose their shit.

When Ben takes his turn at hitting, JoJo says, “Ben is definitely the cutest baseball player ever.” Being the huge baseball fan that I am makes me want to disagree with her, however the fact that Gary Gaetti existed makes that pretty much impossible.

No joke, his nickname was "The Rat."

Later, Ben and JoJo discuss their relationship while spooning in the outfield. Ben says, “JoJo has loved the qualities of me that are more me than anything else.” If this means anything, I cannot figure out what. Much like his beloved Chicago Cubs, Ben gets to the end and coughs up something incredibly stupid.

While Ben and JoJo were making Cubs fans fear another 100 years of cursed baseball, a group date card arrived at the house. Caila, Amanda, and Becca will be going on the date, which leaves Emily with the final one on one date. True to form, all three of the group date attendees are sad to not receive a one on one date. Emily, who did receive a one on one date immediately starts crying, because apparently this is the episode of The Bachelor where everyone is sad all of the time.

I love this gif so much.

The group date is largely pointless, and served only to remind us that Indiana is a boring state. All three women met Ben for some quaint farm activities including row boating and kite flying. Most of the date consisted of all three women being upset because they were on a group date. It took a lot not to fall asleep during this part.

Apparently sensing they needed to change things up, the women try to find new reasons to be sad. Amanda misses her kids and can’t wait to introduce Ben to them. Caila has never had a steady home and is worried that she doesn’t have an interesting enough past for Ben. Becca can’t come up with anything new to be sad about and continues to complain about having to be on a group date. Keep in mind that Becca has outlasted 22 other women to this point. That means Ben Higgins has looked at 22 other women and thought, “No, Becca is less obnoxious than.” How that is even possible is beyond me.

After no deliberation, Ben gives the group date rose to expressionless Amanda, sending Caila and Becca back to the house and giving them yet another reason to be angry. In an apparent attempt to make sure everyone is annoyed with him, Ben then takes Amanda to McDonalds for some terrible product placement and an even more terrible date. I truly believe that Ben’s strategy is now, “Lets see who sticks around after I crush their dreams for 10 straight weeks.”

The only man in America who can get away with taking his date to McDonalds

At McDonalds the pair choked down the all day breakfast, which I can only assume exists because leftovers are a real problem in the fast food industry. In a moment of planned spontaneity, Ben asks if he and Amanda can work at the drive through. He and Amanda enjoy living the hellish life of a McDonalds employee before doing the one thing most employees never get to do: leave.

After their product placement date, Ben and Amanda go to a town carnival where they are greeted by the mayor. All of Warsaw seems to have come out to see these two non-celebrities enjoy shoddily built rides and rigged games. The couple can’t go more than three feet without being harassed by locals taking pictures and trying to grab Ben. Several rides and games later, the date ends with children beating Ben with inflatable bats. I have never wanted to be a child again so badly in my life.

Walking to their deaths by children.

The final date of the evening is Emily’s. She and Ben float around the aforementioned lake his aforementioned pontoon boat before meeting Ben’s parents. Emily is nervous and rightfully so. Surprising your date with your parents after two dates can never go well.

As predicted, the date does not go well. Emily rambles at Ben’s mother for minutes at a time. At one point, Emily says, “I think I would be an above average wife.” To be fair to Emily, an above average wife would be the greatest contestant in the show’s history. Regardless, Ben’s mom disagrees with Emily’s assessment of herself. She tells Ben that Emily is not ready to be a wife yet, a message which he takes to heart. After awkwardly sailing back across the lake, Ben dumps Emily. He then turns his boat around and sails away.

Not actually Emily, but you get the idea.

At the house, the women are all distraught to hear that Emily has been kicked off the show. It is official. Anything will make these women cry.

Finally the time for the rose ceremony comes. After a shocking number of tears (even by The Bachelor standards) it can’t come a moment too soon. Ben sits down with Chris Harrison to ask for advice. Devoid of any real insight, Chris Harrison asks Ben what he wants to do. “I dunno, what do you wanna do,” isn’t acceptable when making weekend plans, Chris. You’re the host of the show. You have to offer him more than that.

In the end, Ben decides to eliminate Becca. Keep in mind that earlier this episode Becca had asked Ben not to “blindside” her. Ben does exactly that and then claims that it’s not his fault because even he didn’t know what he wanted to do until it came down to his final rose. That’s not so much an excuse as it is an explanation of exactly how Ben blindsided Becca. Mark it down everyone. Another woman disappointed by Ben.

WE PICKED THE WRONG ONE

This episode was hard to watch for a variety of reasons, chief among them being the innumerable amount of tears shed for no real reason. I do understand that this is a stressful process for all involved, but at a certain point it felt like watching seven people slowly lose their minds and crack under the pressure of having to pretend to like everyone around them. Ben was no help either, continuing his hapless reign of terror as this season’s bachelor. There were a number of times he could have stepped in and reassured the women who were obviously upset. Instead, we were left with a show which felt more like a documentary about sad people in a sad situation than a dating show.

Or I could just blame it all on Indiana being a garbage state. Let’s do that instead.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel 

The Bachelor Episode 6: I Wanna Talk Smart Things

If you’ve ever watched an episode of The Bachelor and wondered how many things could go wrong in one two hour block of television, last night provided the answer.  As it turns out, literally everything can go wrong and the show is just as much of a train wreck as ever. With that in mind, lets get into Monday’s absolute disaster of an episode.

Last night's episode began with Ben asking Olivia to explain why every woman in the house thinks she's a terrible bitch. To recap, last week Olivia made a joke about fellow contestant and mother, Amanda, comparing her to the show Teen Mom. All of the bachelorettes are appalled by the joke, including Emily who says, "That was the most offensive joke I have ever heard," because she has apparently never heard of Jeff Dunham. Olivia, whose face seems to grow shinier with every passing week, tries to dismiss the complaints as the other women being intimidated by her. In Olivia's own words, "These women like painting their toes…I like reading books and thinking…I wanna talk smart things." I, too, want to "talk smart things," Olivia. But instead, I'm stuck here writing about you.

Have you seen her TED talk on cankles?

At least temporarily placated, Ben returned to the rose ceremony and eliminated a brunette woman I have never seen or heard from before now. In fact, I only found out her name was Jennifer when Chris Harrison announced it was time for her to leave. Oh well. Itwas nice not knowing you, Jennifer.

The show continues its North American reign of terror when it moves from Mexico City to The Bahamas. No sooner do the women arrive, than a one on one date card is produced and awarded to Caila. While a majority of the women are able to feign happiness for Caila, Leah was despondent to have not yet received a one on one date with Ben. She wailed on about how she feels stupid to be the only woman without a one on one date, how stupid Ben is for not wanting her, how the universe is cruel, and how you can save more on car insurance by switching to All State. At least I think that's what she said. It's hard to pay attention sometimes.

Leah should not have been worried, however, as Caila's date was one of the least sexy things imaginable. She and Ben went deep-sea fishing, which combines all the lurid passion of regular fishing with slightly larger fish. What's that, you say? You need more proof about how sexy deep-sea fishing can be? Well look no further than the giant harness Caila had to wear in order to pull fish larger than her out of the sea. If that doesn't scream sexiness, I don't know what does.

Take notes, Maxim.

After catching a fish on the high seas, Caila and Ben sit down for dinner and some serious conversation. Ben notes to Caila that she, "smiles a lot," and wants to know if she is the kind of person who always smiles, or if she can also be sad with him. I don't know what kind of high school emo bullshit Ben is trying to pull here, but luckily Caila is having none of it. "I feel like you're putting me on the spot," she says, "I'm not going to cry on your shoulder."

Faced with his own stupidity, Ben was forced to backpedal and settle for Caila saying she likes him, but is afraid she might break his heart. Well done, Ben. You began the dinner by demanding unnecessary emotional honesty and ended it by giving Caila a rose just so she wouldn’t leave.

How I feel when I see a woman actually stand up for herself on this show.

In keeping with Ben’s apparent theme of unromantic dates, Ben next took the women on a boat ride to a nearby island. The card for the group date read, “Love is unpredictable,” so the women were of course taking turns trying to predict the impossible. Becca took a real shot in the dark with her prediction, saying, “You know what is unpredictable? Sharks.” Did I miss some front-page news about sharks in the last few months? Last time I checked they pretty much just stayed in the water and ate occasional scuba divers. Unless they recently began to grow legs or started flying around in tornadoes, I don’t think you can describe them as being particularly “unpredictable.”

Luckily for the women, there were no sharks to be seen. Instead their boat was greeted by a literal bay of pigs. It was Ben’s smart idea to have the women relax on the beach and feed a drove of pigs because he’s from Indiana and this was definitely all he could think of. On the other hand, the women are not from Indiana and spend most of the date shrieking and running away from their swine pursuers. Ben tries to put a positive spin on it by telling the home audience the women are all having fun, all while JoJo is nearly mounted by a pig in the background. In Ben’s defense, fighting off sexual assault from feral pigs is the official pastime of Indiana.

Saturday night in Warsaw.

The rest of the date fared no better, as Ben spent the majority of his time talking with Lauren B and ignoring the other women. Everyone is understandably upset with Ben, though he cannot figure out why. Even after wading through the water to ask every woman what the problem was, Ben was still no closer to an answer. Considering how desperate he was, I’m surprised he never sat down with a pig to get its opinion. At least the pigs eventually stopped torturing the women.

As the date dragged on and the group reconvened for a group cocktail party, Ben was still no closer to finding out what he had done to anger the women. Because there are four weeks left and Ben can’t just leave with Lauren B now, he decided to pull each of the women aside individually and ask them what was wrong. Inevitably, every woman told him they felt uncomfortable about how close he already is with Lauren B. Ben then took the opportunity to tell each woman that he knows the show is awkward and they need to remain the same woman he likes if they want to stay on the show. How no one called this out as the threat that it is, is beyond me.

"Oh no... She's thinking for herself again..."

Throughout the group date, Leah continued to feel neglected by Ben and decided to take matters into her own hands. During her time with Ben, Leah told him that some people thought Lauren B was disingenuous when she was around Ben. Apparently Leah’s thought process was, “Lauren B is the frontrunner. If I can get Ben to dump her maybe he’ll let me stay on the show for another week!” Not only did this strategy backfire during the date when Leah did not receive the rose, it backfired again the next day when she visited Ben in his hotel room. After trying to convince him of Lauren B’s non-existent deviousness, Leah was let go by Ben for not having enough in common with him. We can add her departure to the long list of things that seemingly went wrong this episode.

Next came the two on one date, featuring Olivia and Emily. Olivia was as confident as ever going into the date. She talks ad nauseum about how, “intellectual things are my jam.” Keep in mind that this is the same woman who made a reference to watching Teen Mom and mocks Emily for being too young despite being the same age. No matter what her definition of the word “intellectual” is, there is no way it includes exploiting child mothers and misunderstanding time.

Ben takes both Olivia and Emily to a secluded beach where he sits in the rain with each one and they talk about their relationship. After some brief time with each, Ben picks up the single rose and asks Olivia to walk with him. Once they are alone, Ben tells her that he appreciates her honesty, but he can’t give her a rose because he doesn’t feel the same way. That is some cold shit, Ben. Why would you take the rose with you when you’re about to dump a person? Was your entire goal to see how badly you could devastate a human being? If so, then congratulations. You did a great job.

That is one sad person.

Eventually, Ben returned to Emily and awarded her the rose. The two left Olivia on the island to be washed away like the human driftwood that she is.

Finally comes the rose ceremony. Ben prepares for his difficult decision by doing his best impression of a Danielle Steel book cover. That is no exaggeration either.

A Man in Want of Roses

Once Ben finishes his conversation with the sea, he begins the rose ceremony. Lauren H was the unfortunate odd woman out and consequently left the show. If you haven’t seen it yet, check out her crying face. It’s absolutely amazing.

I'm actually really going to miss her.

With Olivia and Leah both gone in the same episode, The Bachelor now enters the same boring, villain-less phase it enters every year. Hopefully the final four weeks will not consist of six women politely competing for the heart of Ben Higgins, but based on past seasons I cannot see a future where that happens. Buckle up, everyone. We’re in for eight more hours of the worst love story you’ve seen since last season.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel