The Bachelor: Women Tell All

How do I keep fooling myself like this? Every year I get it in my head that The Bachelor: Women Tell All is some lascivious expose about life on the show. I expect a grand spectacle on par with the Roman Senate; I expect grand speeches, personal attacks, and maybe even a stabbing or two. Instead what we are left with much more closely resembled the American Senate as opposed to the Roman one. Women thanked the troops, defended the heroic nature of all mothers, and were generally ignorant of racial and misogynist comments they were making. I'm actually surprised The Bachelor doesn't air on CSPAN.

Who has smaller hands? Donald Trump? Or this guy?

The show opens with Chris Harrison and Bachelor Ben crashing The Bachelor viewing parties around Los Angeles. It is frankly amazing that neither Chris nor Ben were shot considering what they were doing is just a filmed version of a B&E. This is America, after all. You can't look at someone the wrong way without giving them probable cause.

Watching women after women squeal at the very idea of Ben being in the same room gave me a sudden realization; they never do this shit with The Bachelorette. Kaitlyn and Andi never had to pile into a van with Chris Harrison and surprise local viewers. I suspect this is because viewers wouldn't scream with glee for Kaitlyn as much as they would judge her outfit. Women! Am I right?

I'm sorry, has some terrible comedian already covered that point before?

Back in the studio, Chris Harrison introduces the women of season 20. Among the contestants were Lace (the human disaster), Olivia (the psychotic), Jubilee (the complicated human), as well as several other women I don’t remember seeing at any point during the show. Also present was “chicken enthusiast” Tiara, with her chicken, Sheila. I’d call this a ploy for attention, but Tiara didn’t actually say anything and seemed perfectly content to sit there with a chicken in her lap. Congratulations to you and your cock, Tiara.

I've never seen a woman hold a cock so comfortably on national TV before.

Chris then opens the floor to the women to discuss their time on the show. Olivia begins lamenting her pariah status before being interrupted by Sheila the chicken, squawking and generally making a ruckus. Boy, if I had a nickel for every time a cock distracted a woman… Actually I’m not going to finish that thought.

Leah takes advantage of the cock-straction and tries to defend herself against the idea that she plotted against Lauren B. “I didn’t intentionally lie,” she says, apparently forgetting that there is video footage of her doing exactly that. Unfortunately for her, no one buys this excuse, and Leah fades back into obscurity before our very eyes.

Seizing upon Leah’s non-momentum, Jubilee jumps in to say she feels misunderstood by the other women in the house. According to her, no one ever said they had a problem with her, and she was unaware of how she was being perceived in the house. In response, both Jami and Amber (who are both mixed race) accused Jubilee of saying, “She would be the first black woman to go far on the show.” After flip-flopping on whether or not she actually made the comment, Jubilee eventually would offer a somewhat half-hearted apology. The show moved on from there, but the fact that this discussion was afforded a grand total of six minutes was a huge disappointment.

Keeping in mind that I am neither black nor a woman, I’m going to do the white male thing and comment on this anyway. I have no idea what it is like to be black, mixed race, or a woman. Barring any shocking developments, I will probably never know what their lives are like. That being said, there is something sinister about two sets of traditionally disenfranchised people being pitted against each other in front of a predominately white audience and white male host. The easier, and frankly more fruitful, conversation to have would be, “What role did race play in your lives and on the show?” Instead we were treated to a parade of, “Who is more black?”

Sam Jackson is more black. Always.

After the most unfulfilling conversation in the world wraps up, Lace joins Chris Harrison in the hot seat. She is immediately treated to a near Jackass level series of clips detailing her drunken bad decisions. Lace responds to this public humiliation by saying that she is currently working to better and love herself to avoid these mistakes in the future. She then agrees to go on Bachelor in Paradise, proving that she hasn’t actually bettered herself at all.

Also, some staged idiot from the audience surprisingly interrupts the show to show her the fake tattoo he got of her face. Men of the world, please remember that if you do this in real life you will be arrested for stalking.

We can all pretend this isn't Sharpie right?

Olivia was next in the hot seat and boy was it a doozy. Chris treats her to yet another video package designed to highlight her “craziness.” Olivia says that the video was, “brutal to watch” (So close!) and that she isn’t proud of who she was on the show.  She also claims to have been unaware about how she was viewed by the other women on the show, a point that is quickly pounced upon by several women.

The twins, Emily and Hayley, had the most to say about Olivia’s perceived faux-sincerity. They recount the time Olivia referred to fellow contestant Amanda as a “Teen Mom,” and the numerous times they felt slut shamed by her. Olivia responds by saying she felt bullied by them as well, and if she came across as aggressive it was only because they were mean to her. The twins claim that their rudeness is beside the point and Olivia is the real bully. In reality, this entire problem could have been solved if both parties had just announced, “We are all terrible people!” and let it go.

Not one to take my advice, Olivia presses on. Jennifer (a woman whom I honestly don’t remember being on the show) accuses Olivia of being elitist while claiming, “We like to talk smart things too!” Several other women jump on this bandwagon repeating Olivia’s now infamous phrase, “Talk smart things,” back at her. As a staunch proponent for female empowerment, it completely shattered my heart to see these women repeating the dumbest statement I have ever heard in an attempt to make their point.

I expect nothing and I'm still disappointed.

Olivia ended her time in the hot seat by claiming she had never been bullied this badly since grade school. Considering the level of dialogue on The Women Tell All, that is an entirely believable point except for one thing. Not even grade school children are so grammatically inept to say they, “also like to talk smart things.”

Caila is the final woman of the evening to join Chris Harrison in the hot seat. Unlike the hyper and smiley Caila we have seen to date, Caila tonight was a calm, measured, anti-Muppet. She claims to have never seen the breakup coming and was devastated by the entire affair. I would have had a lot more emotional attachment to her entire appearance if it weren’t so obvious that she was being set up to be the next Bachelorette.

Finally, after much ado about quite literally nothing, Ben Higgins comes to the hot seat. Chris Harrison shows yet another video package which I would like to make a joke about, but seeing as there have been upwards of five video packages tonight alone, will refrain from. No one enjoys hearing the same joke over and over, save for Jeff Foxworthy fans.

Immediately after sitting down, Ben is “confronted” by Amanda and Caila. Amanda reinforces the Bachelor narrative by thanking Ben for his time with her and commending his time with her children. Caila also says she was appreciative of her time with Ben, presumably because if she didn’t she would lose her shot at being the next Bachelorette. Ben then thanks Caila for her time and reminisces about their time together in the Bahamas, saying, “We just explored life to a level I never experienced.” I can only assume this means Caila put her finger in Ben’s butt.

Happy International Women's Day!

As the night came to a close, Ben spoke with several other Bachelor women. His main goal seemed to be assuring them that they were not solely at fault for the failed relationship. Nice though that thought might be, it would have been a lot nicer if he weren’t the person with all the power in each of their respective relationships.

Chris Harrison ends the show with a blooper reel, introduced by the phrase, “I’ve got bloopers!” I’d be lying if I didn’t initially think he was announcing that he shit his pants on national TV.

There’s one disaster of an episode left, everyone. I hope you’ll join me next week to see Ben Higgins absolutely devastate a grown woman in prime time.

The Bachelor Episode 8: Am I That Evil?

I know I’ve said it before, but given the nature of the quote I’m fine with repeating the quote: “Time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do we’re gonna do over and over again.” That felt especially true during tonight’s hometown date episode of The Bachelor. We watched Ben go on four identical dates with four nearly identical women. At a certain point, it’s impossible to not feel like you’ve gone completely insane. So with that in mind, I present to you This Is Brutal: Am I That Evil?

You're not evil, Ben. This man is evil.

The hometown dates begin swiftly and mercilessly with Amanda who greets Ben wearing the same shoulder-less shirt she's been wearing all season. Does Amanda own other clothes besides shoulder-less shirts? I know being a single mom is hard, but unless she's using that missing shoulder material to clothe her daughters, there is no excuse for a wardrobe to be so consistently devoid of shoulders.

Eventually, the shoulder-less, Botox-using, single-mother (I know more than I thought about Amanda) and Ben (…) meet Kingsley and Charlie, Amanda's daughters. Ben tries to win the daughters over and is moderately successful with the older of the two, Kingsley. However the younger daughter, Charlie, may be the only woman from this season to not be completely infatuated with Ben. She refuses to answer any of his questions and barely acknowledges Ben's existence even after he picks her up. Her disdain was not reserved solely for Ben, either. This was Charlie's face after noticing the cameras for the first time.

I wouldn't touch that hand either.

After a short morning of forced fun, Ben and Amanda pack the children up and return to Amanda’s house. Charlie screams and cries the entire way back and why wouldn’t she? She’s being forced to leave the beach and spend time with a strange man who is trying to fuck her mom. That’s terrible by anyone’s account. I get that fussy when I have to go to a job where I get paid and no strangers are even trying to fuck my mom.

Once the children are put to bed, Ben has a short moment of reprieve before he is assailed again by more people he must pretend to like. Both of Amanda's parents question Ben's readiness to be a parent.  It's a fair question, since he had not met the children before today, and has only known their mother for a month. Ben responds to their fears by saying he hadn't even thought about kids before meeting Amanda. He now had been considering the option for almost a full month now. Wow, almost a full month huh? And you've never cared full time for a child before? Tell me, Ben, are there any other clueless, borderline insulting things you would like to say to the other three parents in the room?

The night ends with Amanda chickening out on confessing her love to Ben. So far he is 0/1 on confessions of love.

Is there something about the attractiveness of shoulders that I'm missing?

Next, Ben travels to Portland, Oregon to meet Lauren B. He and Lauren walk around downtown Portland before eating at a local food truck. After enjoying a variety of gasoline infused foods, Ben and Lauren make a quick stop at a nearby "whiskey library" (which Lauren hilariously pronounces “libary”), which is exactly as Portland as it sounds. Several ounces of liquid courage later, Ben was ready to meet Lauren's family.

Continuing tonight’s theme of skeptical families, Lauren’s sister expressed her concerns for Ben’s feelings. “How do we know you love her?” she asked, after pointing out that there are three other women remaining in this competition. Ben takes a long pause and says, “If I propose, I’ll love her,” before tearing up. Lauren’s sister inexplicably took this as an appropriate response, despite the fact that all Ben really said was, “I suppose you don’t know if I love her, but if I start crying maybe you’ll stop harassing me.” To his credit, it worked.

"Is crying all it takes? Please! I'll do anything!"

With the sister’s concerns quelled, the rest of the night went relatively easily for Ben. Lauren’s father went mildly insane when he said, “You’ve talked with three other fathers.” Is Lauren’s father jealous that Ben is seeing other dads? I was unaware it was possible to cheat on your fake-girlfriend’s father, but given Mr. B’s reaction, it apparently is. Sensing trouble, Ben pulls out a classic line, saying, “If I’m down on one knee, it’s because it’s real.” Apparently that line works on anyone. The next time I’m late on an assignment at work I’ll have to try that out.

The date ends with Lauren trying to tell Ben that she loves him, but never manages to say the words. In case you are keeping track, that’s 0/2 on the night.

"Please don't ever cheat on my dad."

Ben next traveled to Hudson, Ohio, a suburb of Cleveland, for a date with Caila. In a desperate attempt to make Ohio seem interesting, Ben and Caila walk by a local school and even sit on a bench. My God, Ohio is a boring state.

After sitting on a bench, Ben and Caila visit her father’s toy factory where they design a playhouse together. Honestly, I’m just surprised the factory was open. This brings the total number of things I know about Ohio up to an astonishing 2. I now know they have benches and factories. Unfortunately the list of things that actually interest me about Ohio remains at a solid 0. Better luck next time, you boring, flat, flyover.

Ohio: A state so boring only this guy could govern it.

Where was I? Oh right, the toy factory. Ben and Caila’s date consisted of mostly manual labor when they built a playhouse together in Caila’s father’s factory. Ben manages not to do what most couples do when assembling complex furniture and call Caila a “bitch,” so at least he accomplished that. In fact, the date went so well Ben carried Caila out of the factory to the sounds of sarcastic applause from the underpaid employees.

Ben meeting Caila’s father may be the funniest thing that happened in the entire episode. Three minutes after Ben walks in the front door, Caila’s dad (a white man married to a Filipino woman) asks, “Have you ever met a Filipino before?” I was genuinely surprised that the next words out of his mouth weren’t, “No? Well, check out this shit! I’ve got a Filipino wife!”

Apparently forgetting that he’s known Caila for a over month now, Ben says, “I don’t know if I’ve ever met a Filipino person before.” Jesus Christ, Ben. She’s standing right next to you.

Really, Ben? You've never met a single Filipino person?

The rest of the date went relatively smoothly. Ben tells Caila’s parents about all the reasons he likes their daughter, while Caila tells her parents about all the reasons she likes Ben. While talking to her mother, Caila asks if she thinks Ben loves her. Her mother responds that yes, she does think Ben loves Caila. While that may seem like an impossible question for Caila’s mother to answer, given that she’s only spent three hours with Ben, Caila has only spent about 12 hours total with Ben. It’s not like there is some great discrepancy here.

As Ben goes to leave for the night, Caila tries to tell him that she loves him but can’t seem to get the words out. 0/3.

It's like disappointing a puppy.

The final date of the night took Ben to Dallas, where he met JoJo and her family. Minutes before Ben arrives, JoJo receives a dozen roses and a handwritten letter that she mistakenly assumes is from Ben. In reality, the letter is from her ex-boyfriend Chad, who is trying to win back her heart. “That’s really fucked up,” yells JoJo angrily before calling Chad to tell him off. She’s right too. Roses and letters aren’t how you win back an ex. You win back an ex by getting drunk and texting, “U up?” at 3AM followed by a picture of your penis. Get it together, Chad.

Ben arrives shortly after JoJo finishes yelling at Chad. JoJo tells him everything, including the fact that she’s only upset because she feels so confident in her relationship with Ben. Wow. Chad must be a real piece of shit if she feels more for a guy dating three other women than his lonely ass. That is harsh.

What I imagine Chad looks like.

After Ben and JoJo finish trashing her ex, they go to JoJo’s parent’s house. Immediately her two brothers are skeptical of Ben and his motives. They question JoJo about how she can possibly be in love with a man she has only been on two real dates with. The brothers also declare that they are just protective of JoJo because she got hurt in her last relationship. Keep in mind that JoJo is still an adult woman capable of making her own decisions, not a child. While I may agree with the brothers’ views, their devotion towards their sister creeps me out.

The brothers finally hit their breaking point when they tell Ben he has brainwashed these women into thinking they love him by making them compete over him. You know that feeling you get when someone you hate makes a really good point? That’s how I felt here. For as obnoxious as these two are, they just described this show perfectly.

I'm not even mad. That's amazing.

Ben tries to defend himself by saying, “I care about JoJo a lot,” and saying if he proposed to her it would all be real. Seriously, Ben? You’re Marco Rubio-ing out there. Stop saying the same thing over and over. Apparently sensing Ben’s robotic commitment to a single idea, the brothers accuse Ben of being coached in his answers. Ben says he is not, but then repeats everything he has already said about JoJo and the three other women on the show. Somebody find his off switch.

As JoJo says goodbye Ben, she considers telling him she is in love, but cannot. That’s 0/4 everyone. Literally every date tonight had a skeptical family, Ben’s avoiding questions of his intentions, and failed confessions of love. And you all wonder why this season is slowly driving me insane…

Every. Fucking. Week.

Finally, we come to the rose ceremony. The contestants all arrive and Ben declares this the toughest week yet. In the end this tough decision sees Amanda go home. Apparently Charlie’s stink eye finally got to him. Thank goodness. At least one woman was able to stand up to his nonsense.

XOXO

Gossip Squirrel